I did something terrible - guilt is killing me (rightly so)

I can't quite believe I'm writing such a desperate post, but the guilt is becoming too much to handle.

Since I am still too ashamed to reveal exactly what I did, I want to clarify what I DIDN'T do. This is important, because I'm aware in some people's eyes, some crimes are unforgivable. If I HAD done any of the below crimes, I would not be posting on a forum - granted I would be turning myself in to the authorities.

1) I did not, nor did I intend to kill someone.

2) I did not commit a sex-related crime.

3) I am the only person who knows of the crime. This may sound strange (how could I possibly know that?) but I am 100% confident the only person who will feel any repercussions from this (if I keep it to myself) is myself. In a way, I am thankful that I at least didn't ruin someone's life in the process. I am clinging on to that as SOME kind of redeeming factor. But it does not make what I did any less repugnant. It does not extinguish the guilt and the shame.

It happened 3 years ago. I keep telling myself I was a different person. That's how I compartmentalize it. I simply wasn't "who I am" when I did it. That might sound as though I am shirking responsibility - I am not, I know I am responsible for my actions, both past and present.

But there was a monster inside me. That's the only way I can explain it. I don't know why it happened then, but it did and it was the most out of character thing I've ever done. That is, in part, why I am so terrified to tell anyone. I have shocked and betrayed myself, I cannot imagine how aghast my friends and family would be.

I have no excuses. My childhood was privileged compared to many kids. I was taken care of. My mum and dad are wonderful, tolerant, loving people.

Something wasn't right in me. I am still confused about what exactly caused me to do what I did then but I did it and for a while I didn't give it a second thought. I went back to being the normal me - loving, tolerant... just like my parents brought me up to be.

Then, about a week and a half ago - BAM - it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ever since I have not held any other thought in the front of my mind for more than mere seconds before reverting back to what I did.

I now feel completely isolated from the world and other people.

Every time I go to the shops, I look at people and think "bet they haven't done what I did" or "I wonder what the worst thing they've done is".

When I watch something on TV that incriminates someone, I think "at least they didn't do what I did".

I look at people and know they would spit on me, and some worse, if I told them what I did.

Every time I eat something nice I think "I shouldn't be enjoying this".

Every time I sit or lay down to relax I think "I don't deserve this".

Every time I work I think "I don't deserve to make a living for myself" (it sounds crazy but it's just getting obsessive)

Every time I pick up my guitar to play something or listen to once beautiful music, it pierces my heart like a knife.

I can't enjoy anything without feeling ashamed or guilty.

If someone punched me (this is not what I did btw) I would not retaliate. I would let them beat me senseless. I deserve it. At the same time, I am scared of the shear rage and visceral hate that I see in other people when the subject of crime and punishment comes up.

Oh the "hang em, flog em" brigade would have a field day with me.

I read about crimes other people have committed and think "at least I didn't do THAT" or "at least I didn't cause long term damage like THEY did" (you see? I'm constantly trying to justify it - selfish).

I don't want to be hated. If I could plead for people to "judge me for who I am NOW and who I was BEFORE" but alas they would not. They would take what I did and define my entire being with it. Part of me understands that, but the pain of knowing how utterly out of character and unlike me it was will surely haunt me till death.

I KNOW I could never EVER do what I did again. I keep telling myself "I am not THAT person". There is no ######6 CHANCE I could ever consider doing it again. I have never felt so damn sure of anything.

I am one of the most forgiving people I know. I have always said that even murderers and rapists should be given a second chance IF (and it's a big if) they show sincere and complete remorse and do something that will help others. I believe people can change, but they have to show the change to be true.

So why can't I forgive myself for a lesser crime?

There is nobody I can apologize to, because doing so will cause more suffering. I don't want to do that for the sake of relieving my own guilt. And it probably wouldn't anyway.

It is trapped in my own mind till I die and, if I wasn't too scared to commit suicide, I would even have to think twice about revealing it on my leaving note, for the guilt would surely be passed on.

I'm so sorry for the long, melodramatic post. I have started trying to focus on the present and the future. But an ugly moment of my past just won't go away, even though it is only in my mind and nobody else's.

If anyone else knew what I did, there would be more suffering, not less. That is why, if any memory of what happened must exist, it must exist only in my mind - the person responsible.

Thanks for reading. I wish everyone (and I mean everyone) nothing but peace, love and happiness.

Hi,

Don't be sorry about length post and it's not melodramatic if you are suffering as you are. I am replying because the same situation has been a burden to me for the last few years, and it was something I did as a kid!

I'm not a psychologist so I can't really speak to why these things happen. For me, I think it was because I became a much more moral and humane person in the past ten years (I'm 48). I was pretty good in my morality and my humanity as it was, but something happened and became extremely sensitive to the suffering of all things; humans, animals, all living things. And it wasn't projection, it was a deep connection with things. Maybe I was just getting old and my mortality exposed these things.

At any rate, like you I suddenly remembered something I did as a boy. I made something suffer. When it hit me the first time a few years ago, it was like a darkness enveloped me and I thought I would never come out of it. At the time the only solace I took was that I would one day die and and give pay back. It was awful, so I know how you feel.

This “something” that I made suffer is long gone. At some point in my despair I realized I could not go on this way or I would burn up. That is when I made a commitment to better serve others - human, animal, all living things. But I knew at that time I didn't want to embark on this as punishment. Even in my pain I knew that although I could DO things to repent, it to have a better reason. The spirit of things needed to change. I needed to find a way to forgive myself. I knew that helping others would be good, but I knew that it also had to be done in the spirit of redemption, forgiveness and regeneration.

Now a few years down the road, that is what I have found. I will always carry the deed of what I did, but I choose to be a positive force of change in the lives others, AND FEEL that positive force. Remorse, forgiveness and goodness can all exist at the same time. It’s human.

And I wish you, peace, love and happiness.

Otter.

Thank you otter. I'm glad you've been able to lift yourself out of the blackness.

However, I am ashamed and saddened to say that I was not a kid when I did this reprehensible thing. I was in my mid twenties. A "kid" to someone in their 80s perhaps, but a grown adult nonetheless who should have had his moral principles firmly set in stone. I thought I had.

If I had have done this thing when I was a boy, I don't think I would be giving myself such a hard time over it.

I am constantly comparing what I did to other people's crimes and misdeeds. I deliberately search the web for articles about heinous crimes just so I can feel that sense of "I'm not THAT bad". It's just so unproductive and, well, a little crazy.

Your comment about being a positive force for change resonated with me. I have just set up a substantial monthly donation to a charity. I am trying to think of ways I can make other people's lives better.

But I'm still holding out for that "memory removal" technology, because frankly I just want it zapped, obliterated, gone. As I said, I'm the only one holding that memory and if I can make helping others a lifelong habit, the memory of the horrible event and the guilt it carries will be of no more use to me.

Hi

Sounds like you are really really being tough on yourself. I have done bad things- I think it is part of the human condition and whilst I think it is admirable you are taking responsibility for what you did I think you are being very hard on yourself. You do not sound like a bad person, despite having done a bad thing. I think it is really important you look for ways to forgive yourself about this. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but it is a way of healing and moving forward. Would you consider talking to a therapist about this?

Please be kind to yourself - no matter what you think you do deserve that

Cracked

Cheers Cracked. Your empathy soothes me. Thank you for seeing the good in me.

A big part of me wants society to forgive me. I pretend that I don't care what other people think, but it's taken an event like this to realize, actually, I do care. I know, from what I have experienced from society's attitudes towards people like me, that they would sooner see my face smashed against the pavement. That's what I'm terrified of. That's why I can't tell anyone.

I reassure myself that any suffering I did cause was momentary and nobody/nothing died. If "an eye for an eye" was to be the punishment I would gladly take much more than that and still feel like I have gotten off lightly. I think the time will eventually come where my desire to be punished (without causing anyone else suffering) will require that someone hurt me. I want to be hurt, betrayed.

Unfortunately I cannot talk to a therapist as openly as I would have liked about this. They would have to break confidentiality and this would lead to more suffering (for other people). I am completely trapped.

No reassurance of how I've changed things for the better and actually improved lives since then can give me a licence to openly discuss this. I wouldn't get passed the first few sentences before the judgement is made.

To society: I am so sorry. Please forgive me and judge me on who I AM.

Hi

You really do sound like you are in a difficult place. I am sorry to hear that therapy is not an option for you. What do you think about trying to find some books on forgiveness to read- they might be of use to you. I know they have helped me in the past.

Take good care

Hugs

Cracked

Thanks I will look at what's available out there. Therapy might be an option as long as the councellor doesn't feel my not revealing everything as counter-productive. xx

epiphany55 wrote:Thanks I will look at what's available out there. Therapy might be an option as long as the councellor doesn't feel my not revealing everything as counter-productive. xx

Do look into things - there might be options to help you. All is not lost and you do not have to live like this for the rest of your life - you are punishing yourself plenty

Hugs

Cracked

Sorry you are suffering so.You need to find through either soul searching/meditation,a way to free yourself of yhour past.It is called the past because it iis just that,past.Probably 98% of us have done things in life we wish we didnt.Starting with minor,to uncomprehensible,depending on the person and situation.Take something positive out of the situation,make a promise to yourself to never do harm again,and promis yourself from here on to be the best and kindest person you can be.Tormenting yourself with the past will be of no help to humanity or in your journey to a higher better self.You infact will hindder yourself,somewhat like a residual ghost,repeating in your mind,that same act over and over again.Great personal growths come from our wrongs in life.Would you judge someone else so harshly if they told you something they did?I doubt it..so dont judge yourself.Time to accept..forgive..and free yourself.Maybe write an apology letter..then burn it.And so be it,the end.XX

epiphany55 wrote:I now feel completely isolated from the world and other people.

Every time I go to the shops, I look at people and think "bet they haven't done what I did" or "I wonder what the worst thing they've done is".

When I watch something on TV that incriminates someone, I think "at least they didn't do what I did".

I look at people and know they would spit on me, and some worse, if I told them what I did.

Every time I eat something nice I think "I shouldn't be enjoying this".

Every time I sit or lay down to relax I think "I don't deserve this".

Every time I work I think "I don't deserve to make a living for myself" (it sounds crazy but it's just getting obsessive)

Every time I pick up my guitar to play something or listen to once beautiful music, it pierces my heart like a knife.

I can't enjoy anything without feeling ashamed or guilty.

If someone punched me (this is not what I did btw) I would not retaliate. I would let them beat me senseless. I deserve it. At the same time, I am scared of the shear rage and visceral hate that I see in other people when the subject of crime and punishment comes up.

Aw mate, I'm sure you will have already gathered from reading my thread to which you very kindly replied, that I can relate to every word above.

I don't know what the solution is. I guess, perhaps you can take comfort that you haven't committed a sexually related crime or killed someone, as I really do think that those are the crimes society finds most unforgivable. Perhaps certain cases of torture and arson also fit within that category. Basically, you will have seen many people on television and read many cases on here (including mine) that are likely more morally reprehensible than your own or, at the very least, considered more irredeemable.

I don't know if I have the authority to say this, but you certainly come across as redeemable to me - very compassionate and sincere. I certainly get a great sense of positive feelings about you from just reading your words (obvs you can't really know another person fully through the Internet, but assuming that you are writing sincerely, which I believe you are, you seem totally contrite and self-reflective).

At the very least, a site like this can show you that you aren't alone in the world. There are other human beings who feel the same or who have done the same or worse. This means you have some communality with other human beings, meaning that you are definitely a human by definition, even if some people judge or would judge you badly. Also, I do think that a lot of people have done serious bad things (for instance, studies by Lisak and McWhorter - forget the dates - have suggested that somewhere in the region of 6.3% - 13% of rape are forcible rapists). If you add to that the number of people who have committed statutory rape; looked at images of children under 18; committed hate crime against a disabled person or someone of another minority; killed someone; bullied someone to the point of suicide; there are likely many worse people than you.

Maybe this video featuring Maria Bamford might raise a smile and some comfort:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFJ9bkcyBWs

-- Sat Feb 15, 2014 3:03 am --

epiphany55 wrote:I think the time will eventually come where my desire to be punished (without causing anyone else suffering) will require that someone hurt me. I want to be hurt, betrayed.

I really strongly relate to this too. It's odd because I know that the person I abused has long since moved past it, made this clear and told me explicitly to move on. In a way though I want them to punish me even while I want them to be happy. If I could go to prison without giving them the bother/ upset of being forced to testify I would do it in an instant.

It also means that I react in a really messed up way when I am hurt. I seem to get street harassment more than some other guys (maybe it's that I walk with my head down or maybe it's that I look eccentric) but when it happens I almost feel glad in a sick way because I feel I deserve it and that being treated badly might make me a better person. It's not healthy. Today, for instance, walking home late, a drunk man groped my behind, saying "Hello sexy", while his others two friends laughed at me. My thought process was basically "Ah! I'm scared and uncomfortable and want to get out of the situation or say something witty and cutting so they'll leave me alone and feel less smug" but this was very quickly replaced me "But I deserve to be groped or harassed because of my own past behaviour. Who am I to even dare of thinking that I didn't deserve that treatment?? How dare I feel such self-pity??" I don't know if you can relate to that too.

The fact is punishing yourself likely won't help anyone though. Also, it's hard to know whether most people really care about justice or just like to see others fail or be punished. Also, those very same people might have done bad things themselves and either be keeping quiet about it, or even worse, be utterly self-reflective and not realise the seriousness of their own immoral behaviour - like, I don't think what happened to me was so bad, but I also can't imagine that those men even reflected upon it for five minutes after the fact.