I did something terrible - guilt is killing me (rightly so)

I went to see a therapist and gave him a partial insight into what happened and now I think there is an investigation coming up. The authorities know and it could absolutely ruin me. I have hit rock bottom.

How could I have done something so out of character...3 years on and it's effected me so much I had to tell someone

I am just waiting for them to commence the whole thing.

I deserve it all so at least that's the upside

FML

Hi downinlondon

Sorry to hear that things are not good for you. If you have not already you might want to make your own thread about this - feel free to

Even when things are bad- they can get better.

Cracked

downinlondon wrote:I went to see a therapist and gave him a partial insight into what happened and now I think there is an investigation coming up. The authorities know and it could absolutely ruin me. I have hit rock bottom.

Are you sure your therapist told the authorities? Usually they only do this when you are seen as an imminent risk to yourself or others. Also, they should at least tell you when they intend to alert the authorities.

I've read therapists admit that they wouldn't even report a murder, as long as they felt the patient was no longer a risk.

I realize this thread is a few months old, but I just came across it and your post hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried reading through the entire thing. I feel pretty much exactly like you do. I obsessively google "I did something terrible" (or variations thereof) to see what other people are posting about, get disappointed when most are about cheating on their significant other or something. I mean yes, that's awful, but not exactly in the realm of what I did. If I see people posting about hurting someone/something I find some relief in knowing that at least I didn't do that (I didn't physically hurt anyone). I also constantly wonder what the worst thing people I randomly see in the street have done. Thinking of what I did and the consequences makes me often physically ill. My stomach churns, I can't sleep.. I would die if people in my life found out. This happened about 6 months ago when I lived in a city across the country where I studied. After it happened I could barely go outside because I was scared to death I'd run into people I worked with who knew about it (I got fired because of it). I stayed inside for months. I had to move back to my hometown with my mother and I'm now waiting for a letter from the police to see what happens with my case and I'm terrified that she'll see it and ask me what it's about (I'm thinking of all possible reasons to explain to her why the police would send me a letter).

One of the worst things about this is that it will definitely hinder my future career... as I am a law student of all things. Can you believe it? It's like I would know better, but I was desperate. And now I'll definitely be cut off from several fields of work. And it is nothing less than I deserve. To be honest, the idea of working as a jurist (I won't be allowed to be a lawyer, you have to have a clean record for that) and using my law degree kind of makes me sick now. What a hypocrite I'll be.

There is a kind of strange solace in seeing other people on this forum struggle with extreme remorse too.. And at least I can know that me feeling this way makes me human and I would be a way more terrible person if I didn't.

Hello mylian. I'm sorry you're going through these intense feelings of guilt.

You made an important point about feeling remorse being better than not feeling anything. But it's always harder to forgive yourself (impossible in my opinion) than it is to forgive others.

Even before I violated my moral principles, I always thought I could forgive anyone for anything as long as they showed genuine remorse. Remorse IS important. More important than our justice system recognises. Remorse leads to the desire to make amends - tangible good that society can benefit from.

On a human level, we need to allow amends to be made and good to come from bad.

On a universal level, there is no good and bad, just actions and consequences.

I have come a long way since I made that rather embarrassing (but heartfelt at the time) post. There are still days where I feel like my life is over and feel so vulnerable, isolated. Others where I see the bigger picture of life and just accept my negative feelings as a product of a deluded ego that seeks to constantly self-punish.

I could have turned to religion to make myself feel better (e.g. catholic confession!). But instead, a deeper look into science (neuroscience specifically) and nondualism has reaffirmed the silliness of this self-punishment, indeed the very illusion of self and free will as I thought I understood it.

There is a lot of conditioning to "undo" before these illusions can be fully shattered (just as it took time for people to accept the earth is spherical). But they will in time, and once that happens I will be free to use my remorse productively, instead of beating myself up for the rest of my life, which does nobody any good.

Be reassured that what you're feeling now is not who you are. What you did in the past is not who you are now. Detach your identity from your past. Feel the remorse and the responsibility to do good, but don't sink yourself into that unhelpful spiral of shame and self-punishment.

Feel free to PM me and talk it over if you need.

-- Tue May 13, 2014 1:50 am --

mylian, I'd just like to address a few more points from your post.

1) Stop the Googlin'! It becomes obsessive. It will not make you feel better. It is a waste of your time. And yes, most articles and posts about guilt you'll come across will be talking about the kind of guilt that you and I (and many on this forum) could only wish we could exchange for our own. That leads on nicely to the next point...

2) Stop comparing your misdeed to other people's. There will be people who have done worse and people who are squeaky clean. See people how you wish them to see you - presently, without judgement, without ego, with compassion and empathy.

3) Let go of what you can't have. If it's gone, it's gone. Everything goes eventually. Everything turns to dust. You have just lost something sooner than you anticipated. Look closer and you'll realise there is absolutely nothing to fear about that. Besides, fear is futile if all is lost anyway.

4) Life finds a way of sorting $#%^ out by itself. Humans have a way of adapting to less than favourable conditions. Life will take on a new meaning for you once the dust has settled on all this. Live in the moment knowing that things come and go. This too shall pass and you will re-find your place within the chaos we call life.

Acceptance is key. If you can't change or walk away from something, it is madness to try and resist it. What is done is done. You must now just let life flow through you, let it do its thing, until you once again find you have some control over events. Then you can look at your situation with calmness and clarity and continue moving forward, albeit in a new direction.

I had to post here because I've been looking for a forum and thread like this for quite some time. When I read the OP's first post I couldn't believe that I found it. Then, when mylian posted some time later I felt as if he/she was in my mind and wrote what I was thinking. This is my first post and I guess the reason why I'm doing it is because I feel like finding this thread was like finding a lifeline. I find myself feeling like I'm dying a little bit each day from my self-hate and knowing I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did. I've done enough research to know that I need to forgive myself but have had zero breakthroughs in two years. Finding this forum and this thread is a bit of a breakthrough for me. I'm so very thankful that it's continued and I so sincerely appreciate all of the input found throughout the thread from various posters. I will be coming back to read more and post more but for now, I simply felt compelled to post and say thank you to those of you involved in this thread.

Hello, sweet heart.
First off, I want you to know every person who has a sense of right and wrong has felt exactly how you are feeling right now, and if a person says they haven't, they are in self-denial.
We are ALL born with a sinful nature. All of us. No one is exempt, it doesn't matter how we are raised. We all have done something that is horrible and wrong. It doesn't excuse what is done and cannot change it. What done is done. The act may be inexcusable, but guess what dear? The person CAN be forgiven.
I don't know what you did, but you are obviously not the same person. Ask Jesus for forgiveness, and it's yours. Find someone that you can be transparent with. It's damaging to our souls to keep things in darkness and not bring it to the light. If you bring it to the light, the devil can't keep tormenting you with it.
That doesn't mean you have to tell the whole world what you have done, but find someone you can share this with. It will bring healing.
I have done things I have regretted and buried it for years, and it ended up blowing in my face. I grew overly anxious, depressed and suicidal. I hated myself and felt like I needed to be in jail and murdered. I opened up and talked to my parents, and they said I was over-exaggerating the situation. I'm not going to lie, thoughts still try to slip in saying "What if you actually did something worse and you don't remember..." or..."If they knew ALL of your thoughts you were being tempted with EVERYONE would hate you..."...the devil tries to keep us trapped and not fulfill the call of God has for us.
Sweet heart, let it go. Get healing. We are all flawed to the core with out Jesus, and that is the honest truth.
I say this from personal experience, Jesus is the one that has healed me and is currently healing me. He is giving me peace in my storm, and is walking me through my destiny. I don't know you, but Jesus does. God knows everything and sees everything. He can tell what your heart is going through better than even you. He is close to the brokenhearted and those humble in spirit.
Don't give up, please!!!

Hello everyone,

I know this post is old, but I figure maybe someone else may stumble onto this site looking for an answer and hopefully I can help!

I too did something I'm really not proud of two years ago. I had mainly forgiven myself. Then, today, I realized I would be in the same state with the other guilty party and reached out to him. It brought back all the horrible feelings. The guilt then lead me through a series of articles and posts, one of which was this. I've decided that I'm not going to feel guilty for what I did two years ago again. Here is why (and why you shouldn't feel guilty anymore either!)

1.I feel true remorse for what I did. I examined why I did it and admit that the reasons were ugly. (This is one of the challenges, if you look at what other people have done and compare and try to say what you did isn't as bad, that will make you feel worse. It's a trap!)
2. I forgive others. I should also forgive myself. Life is hard enough without fighting myself.
3. By letting go of the negative, I will have more room for positive. I can share my positive with other people.
4. I'm never going to make that mistake again.
5. The fact that it is taking such an effort forgiving myself means I obviously understand the severity and have a conscience. I'm a sensitive person. But feeling the guilt once is enough, I don't have to keep holding onto it to prove to myself I'm sensitive.
6. I'm a good person. I've done and will continue to do good things with my life. This was an action I did. This is not who I am.

Now folks read those out loud! Believe you deserve to be happy, I know you do! Don't worry about what other people would think of you if they knew your terrible secret. I have told some friends who have said "that's it?" others who have said, "yeah that wasn't good, but you need to move on," and others who have considered not being my friend anymore. The point is that it's all subjective and it gets very confusing. I thought "confessing" to everyone would alleviate the guilt. I don't think that works. Confess to yourself (re-read number 1), assess your values, reaffirm your values, take some deep breaths, and LOVE YOURSELF! You don't deserve this pain. You deserve a second chance that only you can give yourself.

Good luck everyone! I am rooting for you

Bottom line is, you will never be free of your guilt until your "crime" is confessed. It just wont happen. If you truly desire to be accountable confessing is the only way to redeem yourself.

meyepsychpl8ce wrote:Bottom line is, you will never be free of your guilt until your "crime" is confessed. It just wont happen. If you truly desire to be accountable confessing is the only way to redeem yourself.

This is a very old thread to revive, thought I appreciate that the OP is sometimes still around.

I think there can be a conflict of interest when the victim doesn't want a crime to be confessed or when there are cultural/ legalistic differences so that the police in one's own country decline to arrest.