Remorse and regret to die for

Hello. I'm unsure where to post as this could belong in AvoidantPD or relationships. I have a beautiful family and I have tried to do the best for them over the years. On the surface it looks pretty utopian; happy, high achieving kids, nice house etc. Along the way however I have had some very low episodes where my fear of screwing up and low self esteem led me to do some disloyal and I believe narcissistic things. I am a child of a narcissist mother and had no father to balance this and although I would once have strenuously denied it, I'm pretty damaged.

I emotionally cheated on my wife many years ago at a time of great personal stress. I was on a business trip. It wasn't sexual but it changed me and my wife must have sensed it. We went through episodes where she wanted to get rid of me and hook up with an old infatuation. Somehow I hung on, unable to bear losing the kids. The started an awful pattern of peaks and troughs for us which involved further betrayal.

It's painful to think about let alone talk about. She has recently learned about some stuff that happened years ago and can't get past it, saying we could never have a proper relationship now and that I should get out. I need an operation soon for a long standing health issue so the timing isn't great. That aside, without my family and our family home, I feel empty and worthless. My remorse and confusion over how or why I ruined it all is overwhelming. My clear preference is to die. I fantisize about my surgery going wrong as I don't want my kids to know the stigma of their father commiting
suicide. If they learn everything that's happened they will be devastated and probably hateful forever. I can't live with that.

I just want to sleep most of the time now. Oh for that sleep to last forever. I don't know what I'm asking really. I wonder if grown up children and teenagers are more likely to make their judgements based on their own relationship and history with you or the damning things that they hear? Do they deserve to know all the gory details?

Thanks for any comments.

Sounds like you are really giving yourself a tough time about everything. From what you have said I also wonder if your mood is a bit off and wonder if you should have a chat to your Dr about that as it could be affecting how you are and your thought processes. No matter what you have done you dont deserve to die imo. Is all of this something your could talk about with your wife in couples' therapy? Even if it i not I think the first thing that needs addressing is feeling suicidal. I hope that you can and if you want to talk about it more here you are welcome to

Cracked

I agree, you do sound depressed. And I think you need support first and foremost. My father committed suicide when I was 8 and it drastically changed the course of our lives....so try and make a commitment to living, no matter what. You are stronger than you think, and you deserve happiness.