Masturbated to my sleeping sister & feel so ashamed...(trig?

I am a 25 year old male. I have never said this to anyone, or even written it, for fear that *somehow*, it might be discovered and the shame is overwhelming. I even created a new email just for this website, that is how paranoid I am that someone could find out.

When I was younger (13,14,15,16), I would masturbate while groping my older sister, who is 4 years older than me. I don't remember how it started, or what inspired me, but we didn't have a great relationship as kids. I always felt distant from her. She was a really heavy sleeper and snored loudly, so I always knew there was low probability of getting caught. I must have done this 20,30+ times over those years. I even did it to my younger cousin (She would have been 12/13), my sisters friend and even my mom once; even writing this disgusts me.

What is disturbing is that sometimes at night it would literally wake me. It would be 3 in the morning and I would awaken, my heart racing, knowing that my sister would be asleep. I would go to where she was sleeping, call her name and pretend that I needed something, and make sure she was sleeping heavily. I would grope and massage her breasts, as she never wore a bra when she slept, and feel her ass/body. It would take me very little time to orgasm as I was so turned on, sometimes less than 20 seconds. (that has never happened to me with anyhting before or anything since)

I am sickened by this behavior, and evne more so that now, I get turned on when I watch videos of "sleep assault" and sometimes, in my darker moments, even masturbate to the thought of playing with her breasts while she is unconscious. I have read that our first sexual experience "imprints" our psyche, and I have found this true; I find girls with similar breasts extremely attractive, and sometimes play with my gfs breasts while she is asleep.

Everyone knows me as a loving, funny, charming person, and I really do try to be a good person. I am spiritual, and try to live my life the best I can, by doing the best I can, but I always feel dirty and ashamed of that dark secret. I feel like if people knew what I did, or what I have thought, they would be sickened by me and call me a pervert.

The worst part is, I think that my sister knows about it. One night, around 14 probably, I was so daring and manipulative I actually shut off her fan while she was asleep, knowing she would get hot and remove her blanket. She did. She was wearing booty shorts and no underwear, and I got a flashlight and pulled them back, masturbating to the sight of her vagina, and also the first vagina I had ever seen. She stirred a little bit so I moved away quickly and hid in the kitchen. In a few minutes she was up and she walked downstairs, looking at me as she did. I have always felt that she "knew", and it terrifies me.

The lasting, negative effect of this is that I always feel anxious around my sister. I find myself swallowing a lot (she is the ONLY person that I get that way around), and feel like I can't be myself when it is just her and I. Maybe it is because I know that at any moment, she could destroy me with her words and disgrace me (she would never do that though, she is an amazing woman, but that thought is there).She is a really perceptive person, too, so I know she is aware something is up. I love her, and I feel like I ###$ up our dynamic and the only way to move past it is confess everything. At the same time, I am terrified of doing that because maybe she DOESNT know, and maybe it will sicken her, and she will never look at me the same, tell people, etc.

I have a feeling this is deeply affecting me on a subconscious level. I have even had a dream where I was in a car crash or something with my sister, and I confessed everything to her, even telling her "well, we are going to die anyway, so I have to get this off my chest". (I am so paranoid that when I wrote the dream down, I changed names and details so that if anyone read it they would have no idea what I wrote)

I try and rationalize it by saying that I was young and sexually curious. I was also pretty obese as a kid and had no female attention, and one time my mom asked me if I had a girlfriend or had ever been with a girl the day after we all slept over at her place and I masturbated to my sister... so she might know too.

Anyway, not sure if anyone can relate, but it feels good to just write this out for the first time. I really want to talk to someone, a therapist or something, and get over these feelings of guilt and shame (I am even ashamed at the idea of saying this to a therapist!). My first instinct is always to run away, to travel, to move to a new place, and I struggle with my weight. I also feel unworthy often, of love, or of forgiveness.I feel like my soul is "stained" someway, like I am a pervert. I would never do anything like this now, though I still do feel very deviant in my fetishes and overall sexuality (aggressive porn, ######6, rape fantasy, degrading $#%^).

I know a lot of those feelings of guilt and shame are blown out of proportion by my own psyche, and I also know that I never wanted to hurt her, and that sexual curiosity is fairly natural in kids. But I wonder why I was inspired to do that and that it didnt bother me that it was my sister? How can I get over these feelings of shame and guilt? Part of me thinks the only way I could ever TRULY be free of this burden is to confess to my sister. I don't feel the need to with my cousin or mom, as they were isolated and I don't feel that same anxiety around them. It's just with my sister, who I feel I totally breached trust, invaded her privacy and acting in a shameful way.

Thanks for reading my long winded post... any advice on anyone who has overcome such feelings of guilt/shame would be more than welcome and very appreciated.

I am moving this to the Remorse Forum as that is a better fit for it

Cracked

Hi,

First, I do not believe you are a bad person. I do believe, though, such a confession may have an impact on your sister, though, so if you do choose to tell her, I would recommend telling a therapist first. Once you tell him or her, he or she can invite your sister to come to a session, and you can talk to her in a safe environment, and she can hear what you have to say in a safe environment as well. Therapy can be tough, but you might be surprised how much of a weight you'll have lifted off your chest by having someone know, and help you move past it.

Just keep in mind that our mistakes don't define us. You do seem to understand that your actions were inappropriate, and you are definitely aware of the effects, and what other behaviors tie in to the original one. That's a start. It will take a lot for you to move past this, but that is a very, very good start. I hope you can make peace with yourself.

Good luck.

I'm probably going to get in trouble for this, but I think you're right about everything; you're a pretty gross person who violated your sister as well as others. There's nothing you can do to justify that or lessen the blow (i.e "sexually curious" "a child"). It's horrible, and I hate those excuses. But you can't go back in time and change what you did either, so there's no point in torturing yourself with all these negative thoughts and no point in letting anything stop you from becoming a better person than you were when you did those things. That's what I would focus on - doing what I could to become a better person.

I don't think you're a hundred percent bad, though, because a lot of abusers don't feel any remorse or guilt over what they've done. You get points on that. The only thing they feel is the anxiety over getting caught.

I don't only see this in black and white tho. I think there is undeniably good and bad in you, just like there is in everybody, but you can't truly say that you're either or.

If I were you, I would do what someone else mention and tell a therapist about this and see how they think you should tell your sister/if you should. I would want to make things right, but is telling her about all of these bad things really going to make things better for her? I don't know, and that's the problem.

I wish I could say something to help with your guilt, but I can't - I've got nothing.

Thanks for both of the replies, and I don't take offense to you calling that rationalization #######4. Rationalizations tend to be alternate realities formed to make ourselves feel better/more at ease, so thats the purpose it served.

That being said, I don't beleive I am a bad person. I have done perverted things, and still feel sexually deviant at times, but I would never do anything like that again, nor do I feel it is right.

I also do not think I will tell her. She is almost 30, beautiful, well adjusted and in a loving relationship. I am very close to her bfs kids and have lots of fun playing with them, and I hang out with her often and for the most part, we have a stable, normal relationship. Its just that nagging remorse and guilt that I am worried may be affecting me at a deeply unconscious level. And, like I said, I sometimes get nervous around her when it is just her and I, and I feel slightly ill at ease. (I am not trying to downplay this, as I recognize it to be quite neurotic, but I do also rarely see her these days as she lives far away).

She is not "affected" by this, and there was really only one time that she even woke up, and when she did I was nowhere near her, though she might have noticed her shorts were a little off and that the blanket was down. She may have suspicions or doubts, but there was no momenet where she or anyone else caught me in the act.

I regret it deeply, and wish I had never done that so I could have a pure, innocent relationship with my sister. I do find her attractive, and have fantastized about her years ago, but never anymore.

I will eventually go to therapy I think just so I can unload all of this to another living person. My life is pretty good and I feel generally happy, so there is no gnawing reason for me to do this, more of a *spiritual* goal of purifying my soul, releasing all negative karma and facing life with 100% honesty and integrity (if I do end up confessing to her, it will be the very last wrong I right on my long journey home, so to speak). It would be something I do for myself and for my own peace of mind, not something I think would help her in any way. I told my cousin once around the time that it happened that I touched her boobs once while she was asleep, and he said "thats incest", and nothing really came of that. We are both very close as well. I think the reason I don't feel as horrible as some people maybe think I should is that it did not technically *hurt* anyone (besides myself), as no one ever knew about it. Also she was 4 years older than me and around 17-19, not my 6 year old sister. Doesnt make my invasion of privacy and molestation right or justified in any way, but I feel better knowing that there was never any overt coercion or confrontations.

Probably the biggest question in my mind is why I did that in the first place, what would inspire that kind of deviancy. I was not abused to my knowledge when I was young, nor was there anything abnormal about our relationship. There are pictures of us bathing together as kids (me 5/6 and her 10/11), but it all seemed innocenct. It actually felt like there was a "demon" inside of me those nights that I did that to her, especially when it woke me up in the middle of the night wide awake with adrenaline pumping. I am not religious in the traditional sense, but I even toyed with the idea that a spirit possessed me of sorts. I beleive no theories with absolute certainty though, was just going over all possible reasons that would cause a young, unconscious me to succumb to such perversion and betrayel of trust.

Thanks again for the replies, this was highly therapeutic just to write. Obviously I still have a lot of shame and guilt about it, but am learning to move past that and forgive myself. Guilt doesn't make my life better or serve me in any way, so loving myself and accepting myself for who I am - good and bad - is the path I strive for.

I think that the key here absolutly is talking aboutt his in therapy to try to work more on how to process it and also about whether or not talking to your sister is something you want to do. You are not a bad person but what you did was quite extreme and you need to talk to someone professional about that in my opinion.

Cracked

I agree what you did was too extreme but you are not bad person.At least you are showing regret and remorse.

You will need to connect with your sister at one point, probably through the therapist. I found it hard to believe that she had not been aware. You were younger, she was older and more mature. The incidents took place continously for complete 4 years. I believe she could have been awake and aware at certain stage. The therapist may help both of you to go deeply into the matter.
All the best.

Hi,

I would say don't tell your sister. But, correct yourself. That's the best thing to do.
Suppose your sister doesn't know what you did, if you tell her, she might get upset and sad. If she knows already (which is absolutely unlikely because she is not upset with you), she is still not reacting. so, in that case also you don't have to bother.

It is whether your behaviour was wrong or not that matters. Not, what other people think about it.
People believe it is wrong because it is said so in the religions.I personally believe incest is bad because it could lead to genetically deformed offspring. In that case not having actual sex is not a problem (I mean your fantasizing your sister). But, our knowledge based on reasoning can be incomplete. So, to keep your mind free from guilt, just stop doing what you did. If you can't control yourself, just give some reason and live away from home. May be a hostel. Try to be celibate for a while and that will make your mind clear and strong. Keep yourself engaged in some good activities or even games, so that your mind doesn't go into those past things.

Sexual urges are natural and difficult to avoid. So, let them out in a socially acceptable way. Go, find a girl-friend and be faithful to her. Sex is attractive so long as you starve of it. Once you had some real sex, you will gradually lose interest.
Don't tell about you past mistakes to anyone. Just forget them and be happy. I believe we are souls, not bodies, and are not touched by sin. Sin is for the bodily world. There is no heaven or hell (It's all imagination). Sin is something that hurts others or yourself. So, If you sin, just take the consequences. Give it up, but don't repent about it.

Excessive sex is not good and spiritually degrades you. There can be no spiritual experience without absolute chastity. There is a state of mind beyond the waked state (They call it super-conscious). The state of dream feels real, but you come to know it is not real, when you wake up. Just like that, when you reach that super-conscious state, you will find this world as unreal and know yourself as the soul.

Mohan2014 wrote:Hi,

I would say don't tell your sister. But, correct yourself. That's the best thing to do.
Suppose your sister doesn't know what you did, if you tell her, she might get upset and sad. If she knows already (which is absolutely unlikely because she is not upset with you), she is still not reacting. so, in that case also you don't have to bother.

It is whether your behaviour was wrong or not that matters. Not, what other people think about it.
People believe it is wrong because it is said so in the religions.I personally believe incest is bad because it could lead to genetically deformed offspring. In that case not having actual sex is not a problem (I mean your fantasizing your sister). But, our knowledge based on reasoning can be incomplete. So, to keep your mind free from guilt, just stop doing what you did. If you can't control yourself, just give some reason and live away from home. May be a hostel. Try to be celibate for a while and that will make your mind clear and strong. Keep yourself engaged in some good activities or even games, so that your mind doesn't go into those past things.

Sexual urges are natural and difficult to avoid. So, let them out in a socially acceptable way. Go, find a girl-friend and be faithful to her. Sex is attractive so long as you starve of it. Once you had some real sex, you will gradually lose interest.
Don't tell about you past mistakes to anyone. Just forget them and be happy. I believe we are souls, not bodies, and are not touched by sin. Sin is for the bodily world. There is no heaven or hell (It's all imagination). Sin is something that hurts others or yourself. So, If you sin, just take the consequences. Give it up, but don't repent about it.

Excessive sex is not good and spiritually degrades you. There can be no spiritual experience without absolute chastity. There is a state of mind beyond the waked state (They call it super-conscious). The state of dream feels real, but you come to know it is not real, when you wake up. Just like that, when you reach that super-conscious state, you will find this world as unreal and know yourself as the soul.

This is so confusing.
This post is the first for the new member. So, it was reviewed by a moderator and approved. That is how and why I feel uncomfortable. There have been new members who jump to this forum from time to time to promote certain ideas. While the goal of the forum is to support the victims of incest, those sporadic members are simply saying "do not worry. Incest is not bad as long as no babies are produced... incest is just wrong idea of people and community because of religious reasons". Can we really agree with that hidden agenda and promotion?

Hi Abraham2

Abraham2 wrote:This is so confusing.
This post is the first for the new member. So, it was reviewed by a moderator and approved. That is how and why I feel uncomfortable. There have been new members who jump to this forum from time to time to promote certain ideas. While the goal of the forum is to support the victims of incest, those sporadic members are simply saying "do not worry. Incest is not bad as long as no babies are produced... incest is just wrong idea of people and community because of religious reasons". Can we really agree with that hidden agenda and promotion?

The goal of this particular forum (Remorse) is to support those who have done things they have remorse over. The goal of the Sexual Abuse & Incest forum is to supoprt those who are survivors of incest. They are two separate forums for the very important reason that the members are posting about things which need to be kept separate for the good of all concerned. In the Remorse forum ppl need to be allowed to explore their thoughts wrt what happened and whether or not mods agree with that it needs to be allowed in order for the person to work on what they did and how to move forward from it. The Remorse forum exists so these conversations do not go on in the abuse forums.

Cracked