I am an abuser....I need help

I realised today that everything I do isn't right. I've had several fights with my partner, including throwing objects, verbal abuse and pushing her. Everytime I told my self I was justified but today I realised. I am not normal. She took me away for my birthday and we were having a lovely time until an argument broke out. I threw her to the floor and at that point a statue in our hotel toppled and gave her an injury to her head. I may as well of picked it up and hit her myself because at the end of the day it was my fault. I was drunk at the time but I know that doesn't matter, I choose to drink not her. I know I've already lost her and I don't want to get help as a tool to get her back. I want help so I feel safe with myself being in a relationship. There's nothing worse that knowing what I am and what I'm capable of. I feel isolated because let's face it, no one enjoys being in the company of an abuser. I loved/love her and I've ruined everything, she's scared to say anything or do anything. And she's never wronged me.... I just want to be normal.