Trying to feel remorse

Hi guys I am currently in a two year relationship with my girlfriend. The problem is that all of my life I have never felt any significant guilt, only fear of getting caught and punishment. This isn't going over too well with my girlfriend as she will be disgusted at the things I do sometimes. Shes gotten pretty tired about how I never take responsibility for my actions. To get her to shut up I start complimenting her and saying that I respect her opinions and that I will change. But then I forget everything the next day.

My question is how do you guys portray remorse or feel it. I understand that remorse can be a valuable feeling to develop as a person and become a man. I believe that most of the mistakes that I have made in my life: cheating on my last girlfriend, cheating on tests and breaking laws, are costing me too much time and money. I know that I am not a sociopath. When people take advantage of me when I was a child I felt like I put up this shell and became a survivor. But I believe with enough Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and medication I can put down that shell and become a better person. What are your opinions on this guys?

I think sometimes if someone has a lot of trauma in their lives it may affect how they feel about things like remorse and even empathy. I think this is something to take to a therapist to see if they can help you. Is this something you would consider?

Cracked

Thanks cracked, I believe it's just the physical and emotional trauma of living in a low income family. My parents had to work all day leaving me without any mentor figures which I could mirror off of. My dad would be emotionally abusive to me and my mom but I understand that it was not his fault since that's what happens when you work in labor. My lack of remorse and empathy probably stems from the anger and jealousy that I feel for others since I believe their problems are inferior to mine. I am currently working with a therapist to undo years of contempt and entitlement towards others. It just sucks when you have to take student loans, apply for financial aid and work part time but that's probably the life of most college students.

-- Sat Jan 11, 2014 6:58 pm --

Thanks cracked, I believe it's just the physical and emotional trauma of living in a low income family. My parents had to work all day leaving me without any mentor figures which I could mirror off of. My dad would be emotionally abusive to me and my mom but I understand that it was not his fault since that's what happens when you work in labor. My lack of remorse and empathy probably stems from the anger and jealousy that I feel for others since I believe their problems are inferior to mine. I am currently working with a therapist to undo years of contempt and entitlement towards others. It just sucks when you have to take student loans, apply for financial aid and work part time but that's probably the life of most college students.

Boy I can relate to this. For a lot of my life I didn't really feel remorse the way people are supposed to - just really wanted to be in everybody's "good books", and toy with remorse a bit because it made me feel better about myself as a human being, I love Philip Larkin line for that "A swilltub of finer feelings" so I actually came off as a really nice guy to some. Only more recently am I learning, through therapy, to develop real remorse and unfortunately its taken me doing real damage to people I care about for me to get to that stage. And now that remorse is overwhelming - some of the people I've hurt and some of the boundaries I've crossed. But its still interspersed with periods of anger and entitlement. It's a slow process but I believe it is worth it.

Gerontion wrote:Only more recently am I learning, through therapy, to develop real remorse and unfortunately its taken me doing real damage to people I care about for me to get to that stage.

It often takes a crisis to trigger real change, whether on a society wide or individual basis. Progress demands sacrifice. It's just unfortunate that some people's awakening crisis is far greater than others', and that the sacrifice may be made by many other people.

The most important thing is to focus your attention on your full potential in this moment. Now your awareness has been raised, like turning up the lights, you can see all the $#%^ you have done, but you can also see everything it is possible for you to do in this moment... and this moment... and this one.

I believe when people don't change, it's not because they "choose" not to out of pure volition. It's because the light of awareness is still not bright enough for them to SEE their full potential as a human being - that helping people, love and the productive release of one's energy is the key to lasting contentment, peace and stability. They may be terrified that if they "switch on the lights" it will reveal their past - and it will. But that same light also makes them more aware of the person they can be and get them closer to their true nature.

Therapists help to switch on these lights. A good therapist will help to bring them up slowly (the dimmer switch approach!). Any light shone on your past is more light shone on your potential.