Confused

I am confused about whether or not I am an abuser. I have a temper. My main thing is being hurtfully sarcastic or, as my friends tell me, "too honest". I've been told I have traits of borderline personality disorder because my trigger is perceived or real abandonment. I never try to control someone's mind, though. I don't pretend to be in pain to get attention, I don't demand that someone not talk to a person, I don't make threats, and I don't call names. That's why I did not receive a full diagnosis. But I still hurt people by telling them exactly how I feel, even if it's not helpful or constructive. And sometimes I do get jealous when I feel like someone is abandoning me, so I'll get a little sarcastic/snappy. If someone tries to end a conversation when I'm hurting and need them, I just say "fine" or "whatever" or something like "right, you have a boyfriend" or "fine, sorry for bothering you".

Sometimes I am also very sensitive. When I'm hurt, I decide to try to talk about it calmly. So in my mind I am telling someone they've hurt me, but in their mind, I'm blaming them for every little thing. I don't even know which one it is at this point, because most people don't react like I'm blaming them for every last detail; just a couple. If someone is trying to suggest that I'm okay when I'm not, I get upset and tell them they are downplaying things. I don't raise my voice or anything, and I do try not to be sarcastic anymore, but I still make accusations. And if someone is doing something that I think is wrong, something that isn't defined as "immoral" by most people, I will try not to say anything because it's none of my business. But when I get hypomanic or in a mixed episode, I blurt it out. It's pretty matter of fact, and I don't call names. I just tell it like it is, or at least how it is in my mind. But I feel guilty later because I know I shouldn't have said anything.

The reason I ask is because I have heard people compare me to someone I know who is obviously emotionally abusive. They never said "you act just like them" or "you abuse me just like they do", but they'll say, in general, "you two are so alike". And it's not in the context of emotional abuse. It's just in general. But then I get so worried that I'm abusive to people, and I start to hate myself for it, and I get suicidal and self harm and all that. But no one has ever referred to me as abusive. Does anyone call their abuser abusive right to their face, though? I said that to my parents, and it seemed to strike a chord that made them feel more compelled to improve. But does everyone do that? How do I know if I'm abusive? I really don't want to hurt anyone. I work so hard not to. I've set rules for myself about what to do when I'm sensing anger, and I feel like I'm doing better with them. But I don't know because when I say "well, I think I've been better…" I don't get a response. But I normally say it in the middle of a giant long paragraph while I'm rambling about something, so I don't know if people just don't address it, or if they disagree. I always add "please correct me if I'm wrong" but I still don't get anything. But I really, really, REALLY hate knowing that I've hurt anyone, and I just cry and cry and cry when I think about it, even months after the incident. I can take myself from a decent mood to wanting to die in minutes just thinking about it.

Does anyone have any insight on how to know whether or not I'm an abuser? I just want to know. I NEED to know.

I'm sorry, I didn't think to put it here. I just kept thinking I'm abusing people, so I need to put it in the abuse forum.

Thanks for your comments. I do have a lot of remorse/guilt/pain over this. On second thought, I don't know what it matters if it classifies as abuse or not. I'm one of those people that needs a word for everything. I really never thought of myself as abusive. A little mean/temperamental, sure, but never abusive. I just feel like there's a big difference. Someone said something to me a while ago that made me think maybe I was abusive. I don't know what they meant by it, and I probably never will. I really don't think I'm as bad as I used to be about it, so I guess I really think maybe I was abusive at one point. But then every little slip up just makes me crumble. And then I can't understand why I keep doing it if it makes ME crumble. I see the hurt it causes the other person. The tears, the emotional pain, etc. And that kills me. It also leads me to believe I'm a bad person and deserve to die. I want to die anyway, for other reasons, but that just puts the icing on the cake. I just wanted someone else's opinion on it…someone who isn't in the situation. Probably a job for a therapist, but I'm not ready to go back to therapy.

Hugs to you

I dont think this is abusive behaviour personally, rather you behaving in a way you have developed to protect yourself in some way. I can understand that this would happen given how you have been treated in the past. I also think that if we have been abused we worry more about becoming an abuser- I certainly worry about this. But I think this is not deliberate abusive behaviour at all rather you behaving in a way you have developed to keep yourself safe and protected.

More hugs

Cracked

Where's the line between an unfavorable defense mechanism and a defense mechanism that classifies as abusive behavior? I mean, I definitely see how it is a defense mechanism, but I'm just concerned that my defense mechanism involves emotionally abusing others.

Maybe you are right, littlearcher. Maybe I am just trying to punish myself. I do that a lot. My only fear about that possibility is that I asked my friend point blank, and she kind of blew off the question. So maybe she thinks I am.

Also, yes, my dad was emotionally abusive, and my mom enabled him. I do know I have been very fearful of becoming like him. I had a sign hanging in my room that said "Don't be your father" to remind myself to keep my mouth shut when I'm upset/angry. I guess I got really good at keeping my mouth shut, but I never processed that anger, so I just held it in. Maybe that's my problem.

I think the biggest issue is that I have been around so many dysfunctional relationships and people that I have no idea where I fall on that spectrum. I like to think I'm self aware of my actions and when I hurt people, but I do not believe I am aware of what my actions mean as far as how far I've taken things, or maybe even what they mean about myself. The only reason I don't completely hate myself is because I do feel remorse and I do make the effort, successful or not, to be better. My dad didn't do that for most of my life.

I think abuse is to do with taking advantage of an imbalance of power. When you behave as you do it does not sound like that is what is going on from what you have said. It might sometimes leave a person feeling bad as abuse would do but I dont think that it is abuse- due to this not being about you extending superior power for the bad to someone else if that makes sense.

Cracked

That does make sense. Thank you. I never thought of it like that. I don't have power over the people I'm doing this to, per se. I can hurt them I guess but I don't have power (nor do I want it) to make them not talk to certain people, not work, not go out, not spend money, etc. And I don't try to get it. At one point, my one friend was literally dedicating her entire life to me, but I didn't ask her to. She kind of did it on her own, and I got used to it, but eventually I realized it was not right and I asked her nicely to stop doing certain things. It's better now. So maybe it's not as bad as I think.

Thank you for giving me some perspective.

Hugs to you. Hope that stops the worrying a bit

Cracked