Dark secret eating me

I know If anyone knew my secret they'd be disgusted at me, no normal person would accept me. I had this compulsion that I had been indulging for 7 years and had been hiding it away out of necessity.But now I have changed and really hate myself for it. I'm really sorry and full of regret for doing those deeds. It has turned into a burden I have to carry, a lie. Other than my parents no one knows about it and Its eating me up inside. I have to hide that deed from people getting close to me, they say I'm the nicest kindest person they know and they laugh at my jokes.. when actually they don't know the whole truth. I really hate my old-self but what's done is done and I cant take back those years. What am I to do, please someone put my heart at ease.

What did you do?

I was addicted to killing animals. And I don't think you want the details, its disgusting and shameful. I am as I said regretful, but if you'd look at a game addict you'd know what a big problem I had. It really consumed me. I really hate it, but it was an addiction. I hate carrying this secret.

bloodorange

we all do things that we regret and shouldn't have done. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself for the things you have done and remember that it is in the past not your current behaviour and that it is something you seem to have moved on from.

Have you tried talking it through with any kind of counsellor to talk about the reasons behind they way you behaved?

No but I did get some counselling only once in a church 1 on 1, my mom thought It be a good idea since I was cutting my arm back then, before I started killing. It did help sorta... I stopped cutting myself and started cutting up .. you know. But I overcame it by not looking at any gore, or thinking bout it. And filling my time with other fun activities, like sports, skating, gym, art, comedies, cartoons and stuff. I am very nice and normal around friends but I am so weird when no ones looking. But I believe I'm in the recovery(ed) zone, just hope I don't relapse. It'd be a lie to say I don't get tempted to kill again but I managed kill the urge instead. Urges are urges I just have to be stronger and suppress it. But I just cant imagine telling friends about this they wont look at me the same way again. Neither have I ever been in a relationship, cause I'm too afraid to let the cat outta the bag. How ironic cause I've been doing it the other way around. I know moving on is one thing, but can I move on while keeping an unacceptable secret from my friends. Can't believe I grew a small conscience, I never did give a ### and always thought no one gives a ### about me. I'm glad I have some really nice friends.

I am going to move this to the Remorse forum which I think is the most appropriate place for it

Have you ever sort any help other than church to talk about this? There are complex reasons why someone would behave in this way and I think that talking to a professional would be a helpful thing to do. They would be hopefully non judgemental and would be able to work with you on why you have done this.

Cracked

I dont belief people choose to be ill but killing animals can lead to bad things. it indicates and precurses other things. me being christian would be afraid I didnt stop and repent I woild not make it to heaven.

It's probably difficult for you to get a balanced view of this, but some additional things to consider:

Nature is a harsh environment and animals die in horrible ways all of the time, most of the time we condone this happening by what we eat and only fail to face our complicity in this by allowing ourselves to be ignorant of the methods used.

The fact that you feel bad for this shows that it's not in your nature to want to harm; imagine instead that what was hurting these animals is a monkey on your back that you're seeking to conquer; a separate beast forcing your hand.

Most of us live in a society which raises animals to the nature of "people," view their behaviour in human terms and conveniently ignore the true nature of their behaviour. The loyal dog who is your lifelong friend would eat your rotting corpse if it got hungry enough.
This inappropriate way of viewing animals is in itself enough to raise the appropriate level of guilt over your actions to that of a murderer which is vastly over-stepping the threshold of it's true nature.

Raven1976 wrote:I dont belief people choose to be ill but killing animals can lead to bad things. it indicates and precurses other things. me being christian would be afraid I didnt stop and repent I woild not make it to heaven.

This reminded me of an excellent example quoted in the bible where Jesus made a herd of pigs jump over a cliff to cleanse a demon-possessed man of his ailment. He seemed to value one person's mental health as more value than a herd of animals, leading them to a frightening and tragic end.

And let's not forget Noah's wiping out every living animal on earth by drowning, save two of each kind, as a punishment for mankind's behaviour.

In summary, yes...work to overcome your addiction as it will do nothing but screw up your head further if it continues, but have a balanced view of just how "bad" a person this has made you.

I understand we all have secrets, some dark, some light, but this is one you may need council. I would say to you to accept what you have done and try to take the correct step. You are very brave to admit this and it takes even greater courage to try to fix it because most people are afraid of change. Ask those closest to you for their advice and try to fill your urge to hurt animals with another hobby.

Hi again after 7 months. Oh my I've fallen in love with this girl who's just such a wonderful person. She is kind, caring, independent, strong and beautiful and she means everything to me. She's been my best friend for a year and now we've fallen for each other. I really do love her and she says I'm the sweetest, kindest person in the world. I never really did trust anyone, after so many backstabs from "friends" but I trust her with my life. Now comes the part that suxs 'my past transgressions'. I never thought I'd take on a relationship but I love her. What am I gonna do later on. darn