I think I molested my brother & other things

I know there are seemingly a lot of topics about this, but this is not a troll. I'm going to be honest about this because I don't really have any other choice.

I don't remember if this happened 2 years ago, or 1 year ago, one of the two. I'm 18 now and in college.

One day, when I was 15(or 16, remember, don't remember how long ago), I was inside the living room watching tv with my brother(who was 10(or 11)). Out of nowhere, I got really really horny(BTW, I'm straight), and whenever that happens, I do some pretty crazy $#%^ that I horribly regret afterwards, like now. Out of the blue, I asked my brother if he'd ever masturbated before. He said yes. I then asked if he knew how to do it properly, and he didn't really know. Then, I told him to come with me outside and sit with my on the bench in our backyard. I then told him that even if it's uncomfortable to just go with it, and don't tell anybody. I pulled down my pants, and told him to do it too, he was very reluctant and hesitant/scared and I could sense it, I was already feeling remorseful about it but I thought it was too late to quit. I then 'showed' him how to do it, and he was trying to look away until I told him to look, moving up and down(slowly), I even asked him if he wanted to touch it, he declined. I then told him to do it, and he sort of did it, and he stopped. I don't really remember how it ended but he left and I just sat there. As he went inside, I finished the job solo. Afterwards, I felt like killing myself, I had no idea what I had done. I had promised him not to tell anybody, and we haven't talked about it since. Did I molest my brother? We have a 'good' relationship, despite us arguing like normal brothers do. I don't think it visibly affected our relationship but I can't just help to think about how he is inside, how much I probably messed him up and it's killing me inside.

Whenever I get really horny, I do really regrettable $#%^. Like when I was 17, I almost sent my best friend(she was 18 too!) pictures of my junk in hoping to get some in return, only to do the job and feel like $#%^ afterwards. I'm a manipulative bastard that does whatever he can to get his way, another example that's happened twice is I'll convince these chicks (whom are my age) to tell me about their private sexual life, and they do, and I do in return. It doesn't seem hostile at all to them, and they do it willingly, I don't force them. But I feel SO BAD afterwards because I pretty much USED THEM to just get myself off. One of the two girls, I only talked to her so I could figure out more $#%^ about it, but when she would ask me, I never responded. I had to resort to deleting her number and never texting her again because I couldn't control myself, having to lie and tell her I got my phone taken away/broken. What is wrong with me?!?! I've looked at pictures of nude children before but on nudist websites, not exactly child pornography, and after I'm done, I feel like a monster and I shouldn't live on this earth(I've only ever done it three times that I know of). I was never abused or sexually abused as a child, my life has been really good as far as I know.

I most likely need help, but I don't know. I haven't done any of this in over a year and a half, so I've been able to repress it as best as I can, but It's almost slipped out a few times where I try and take advantage of a girl to get myself off before I control it. And this $#%^ ONLY EVER happens when I'm horny. Like literally, that's it. Any other time, and I feel like that's appalling and despicable and I "would never do such a thing".

Hi

It sounds to me like you certainly have some teenage hormones going which are causing you to act in some regretable ways as well as messing with boundaries about what should and should not be done. I do think it would help you to get some help to figure out how to reign things in as you dont want this behaviour to escalate. I also think that your brother might need some help as it sounds like he was freaked out by what happened. That being said you are not a monster-please dont treat yourself as one. but do get help to make sure you get more in control of your sexual behaviour.

Cracked

Hi and welcome.

I'm sorry to hear about what's happened. I think an appropriate way to handle this is finding a therapist who can help you with you impulses and talk to your brother in a way that exempts him from having to keep silent. He has a right to pursue therapy and being able to process what he went through in that situation. Silencing him will cause both him and you more pain in the end.

I wanted to touch on something I see here; none of the ages you say match up. You are 18, and you say 2 or 1 years ago you were 15 or 16. You would be either 17 or 16. You say you almost send your best friend pictures of yourself when you were 17 and you mention she was "18 too". Do you know why you are having troubles with your memories and when things occur? I don't know how relevant it is, but it might be worth looking into in therapy if it is something that happens regularly.

I don't think you're a monster. I think you need to work on yourself so that this behaviors don't escalate further though, as it is not healthy for you or those affected by it. Best of luck.