I molested my brother

I found these forums google searching, i dont have health insurance right now so im not really about to seek professional help which is why im here, i dont mean to discredit you guys as second string its just that something has really been bothering me (ive also had half a bottle of jack daniels, so excuse the bluntness). I know its going to be long but this is really bothering me and i need help.

When i was around 10 or so and my brother was around 6 or so i molested him sexually. I was up watching TV one night late, and all 3 of us brothers shared a bedroom, they were both asleep and i took out his penis from his pants and put it in my mouth under the pretense that he was sleeping. It was a brief encounter and it never happened again, but i think we played "doctor" the year before where we would just examine each other and eventually our private parts but no real touching. Ive never discussed this with anyone and its never really bothered me until lately, ( i am in my late 20's).

I guess i should set some pretense, my dad was bipolar when i was young though i never realized it, when i was 19 he killed himself, i started showing symptoms of depression around that time and ive been battling with things like suicide and depression ever since. Right now is the best ive ever been, im actually finishing school and holding down a part time job simultaneously. Before this incident of molesting my brother i took a visit to korea with my mom and her relatives molested me, they put their hands in my pants to fondle my gentials, which in korea is a sort of act of pride, as my genitals will be carrying on the family name, my eldest uncle and my eldest aunt did this. I remember my mom asking if this happened and i said "no", and i was scared because i knew it was wrong. I dont know if all this is related but now i feel like as an older adult i have homosexual tendencies, mostly in the sense that when im aroused it makes me more aroused if i feel like i am in a feminine position or submissive position under another male, to the point where ive considered hooking up with a male on craigslist and have almost done so numerous times, the only issue is that i find females attractive and see romance as being with a female not a male, where being with a male is purely sexual and domination/submission. So im really not sure how all this adds up and what it means, but i really feel guilty about my brother.

The worst part of it is that i dont know if he knows what happened. Just recently i heard from his mother (my ex-step-mother) that he was going through hard times and that he might have depression like myself and my father. I tried to reach out to him and share my experiences with depression/suicidal tendencies and how i reacted to our fathers suicide, but he never replied back. Im not sure if its because all of that is tough to swallow for him or if he is bitter and disconnected because he knows/remembers what happened that night. And what happened that night surfaces in my thoughts more and more often and each time i feel more and more guilty about what happened and (if he is aware) what kind of pain it caused him. Because my father is dead and i am the oldest brother that i should lead our family and take care of others but because of what happened i dont know if i can ever be viewed as a decent or respectable person.

Hi and welcome here.

I'm sorry to hear you are in such distress. Guilt can be a very difficult thing to sit with.

Do you have a therapist you can confide in regarding this, to help you sort through some of the emotions? In time the therapist might even be able to bring your brother into therapy for a joint session to help you communicate with him, if they feel it is appropriate.

It must be very confusing to not know if your brother remembers what happens. There are of course several courses of actions that can be done with this, but opening up communication with him to allow him to talk to you if he feels able and remembers can be healthy.

I am very sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered.

I hope you can find your way through all of this.

My brother lives in another state, we didnt really grow up together, i just came for summers. Ive never mentioned this to anyone and i dont know if im ready to now, i just cannot physically comprehend those words coming out of my mouth, to anyone. The only way i could say it here is after half a bottle of whiskey, and ive been so afraid to come back to these forums the last few days to see what the replies are. It really makes me question my personal integrity, i try to be a good person not just to others but to myself, and there are just dark events in my life that i feel show the true person inside. I cant even comprehend how or why i would do that and yet it happened.

I also have no health insurance, and i make minimum wage part time so meeting a therapist is not an option for me, thats why im here.

I'm sorry for taking so long to reply.

I'm glad you were able to come here even though it was difficult for you. It can be very difficult to face your own remorse.

What we do in our worst moments don't necessarily say the most about who we are as a person. You can be a good person. You can be a valued, upright member of society. Making a mistake doesn't change that. By taking active steps in preventing it from happening again and dealing with what happened both to you and your brother are things that may help you feel more able to cope with yourself and your feelings in regards to this. Many cities have options for therapy, groups and so forth that cost nothing or little, where young people can get help in dealing with traumatic or difficult experiences. Have you tried looking into what options there are where you live?

I'm thinking of you.

Hey Scrab There is a lot I want to share with you but I can't fit all of it in one post. What you did to your brother wasn't right but that doesn't mean you are a completely horrible person. I know because I can see the good that is in your heart. You said you need help and I'm there to get you the help you need. My email account is *edited by mod* Email me and I'll start sharing with you that because it helped me too. It's not anything dodgy but if I posted all of it here it will take FOREVER and won't fit in anyway. I'm a good listener out of the habit of reserving judgement. One of the reason why is because people can't be judged by actions alone. Motives and intentions play a huge role in any person and that can't be told by just looking at them. I know because throughout my life people have condemned me for the way I act rather than who I am. I think the same is with you and the longer you keep this to yourself and it isn't resolved with the harder it will be for you to live with the guilt. It is no way to live its just a way to die on the inside. But hey I'm there and I care for you. Really I do. I haven't seen or met you but I do. I hope you reply soon

Hello,
We all make mistakes in life especially during childhood. I do think that you are confuse when it comes to your sensuality, we are our thoughts. You might be gay but in denial about it or bisexual. Just be true to yourself and stop reaching out to your brother and give him space. If you don't live far apart then go visit him and see what will happen