Should I dump my only friend?

I'm not going to delude myself...most of my friends have left me. Nobody calls me or facebooks me to make plans to go out. Nobody says hi to me anymore. Nobody acknowledges my existence. Except for one girl named, for the sake of this thread, Ann. (Not real name.) Ann is very happy and bubbly. She always has a smile upon her face, and greatly contrasts my gloomy appearance.

I think she really, really likes me as a friend. Well, I don't think, I know. Anyway, this has been a constant source of annoyance for me these past few weeks. There is absolutely nothing, in my opinion, to like about me. What does she see in me? Why can't she just hate me like everyone else?

Everytime I see that Ann is the only one who says "hi" to me at school, my heart breaks a little. Maybe it's my OCD, but I'm a man of consistency; I would rather run into everyone hating me, rather than most people hating me and just one person who at least seems to like me.

Ann won't lose anything in this; she has a lot of friends. I will lose my only friend, but it'll be good to see that she won't delude herself either into thinking that I'm such a great guy. She always tells me "nobody's perfect" which is the reason why she likes me so much. That's a whole lot of baloney.

I've been paranoid and insecure for as long as I can remember...I got suspended last month for threatening to start a massacre at school, to let everyone know what one lonely person can do.

Of course, it was all my fault that my friends abandoned me, so I'll have to accept that I can do nothing about them now.

Sorry if I wasn't very clear...I'm taking a break from frenzied studying. If I remember any details, I will post them.

Why you want everyone to hate you?
That sounds like quite an issue, lol.

Who is "Ann" on the inside? Who are those people who are her "friends"?

Okay this time, I am listening very loudly to a song, so sorry once again if I'm not very clear.

There are many reasons for why I want people to hate me.

Firstly, there was a point in my life where I did not know that pedophilia was abnormal, or that touching people in their private parts was wrong. Mix the two together, and there's a disaster waiting to happen. I convinced myself that I used to be a child molester, and I molested so many kids in the past.

Secondly, I am not a good human being. I used to be a bully from the start of grade 10 to the end of grade 10. I managed to make up with both of my victims, but that still does not make things right, in my opinion.

Justice has not been served yet. None of the law enforcement officers in my town believe me about the child molestation, and I don't know how else to dish out justice for the bullying, except by making everyone hate me.

minsker -

I've read your posts several times now, trying to get my head around what you've written.

From the benefit of doubt point of view, as another human who tends to beat myself up (for my own reasons too), maybe you've just had your self-esteem so shattered that you are doing something some of us do, making a pre-emptive strike, to push others away because when we do that, nobody else can hurt us? Do you have someone else in your life you can talk too (e.g. a therapist, or support group?) and supports you?

It's very important that you seek help for yourself. When you say the law enforcement officers don't believe you, is this because you have confessed to what you have done in the past?

It seems as if you are carrying a great deal of guilt around with you. Please speak to your doctor and ask him or her to refer you for professional help.

I am moving your post to the Remorse Forum and leaving a shadow thread here so you can find your post.

-- Tue Nov 12, 2013 6:14 pm --

I have read your other post here
post1309083.html#p1309083

You said

I have OCD, and life, is without a doubt, hell. I accept the fact that I have OCD, however, because of all the bad things I used to do in my life. Who knows? I could have been a serial rapist, a child molester, a murderer, or something worse in my past life. I sure as heck don't remember doing anything like that, but I don't remember a lot of stuff from my past.

That is to say, OCD is the perfect punishment for me. It has two effects: 1) It alienates myself from others, so that I will live life as a loner, sort of like someone in solitary confinement, and 2) it obviously causes me lots of pain.

What sort of rationalization do you use to accept the fact that you live with a mental illness?

I'm wondering if what you describe is something that actually occurred or is a part of your OCD?

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the delayed response. Xdude, your guess seems to be pretty accurate. Although I believe I need to be punished, I cannot take it when people insult me, or hurt me. I don't know why...I do in fact have a lot of guilt to carry around with me...I've done some horrible things in my life. I have a therapist and a school counselor to talk to, as well as a good friend who also has OCD and Tourettes.

When I said that the officers don't believe me, I mean that they think it's my OCD talking when I say that I molested people. They think I'm crazy or something, so they can't believe me. But I have good reason to believe that I molested people. You see, I actually became obsessed with this one little kid. I didn't even know him, but for some reason, I couldn't get his face out of my mind for like 3 months. Lord knows what my obsessions led me to do!

However, none of the professionals I talked to, including my old therapist and the police officers, believe that I did anything wrong. Maybe there's some hope...