Should I send an "I'm Sorry" letter to his wife?

I had an affair about 6 years ago. I was seperated from my husband at the time. The man I was having an affair with was my boss. It was a start up business and managed stay open for about 2 1/2 years. During that time, our affair was found out by his wife. She forced me to leave the company or she would leave him. I was wrongfully terminated (no law suit was ever filed.) I was convinced I still wanted to be with this man and he was convinced of the same thing. The business eventually failed and was closed. I believe a lot had to do with his lack of financial business sense, but also the time and attention he gave to me instead of the business. Anyway, my divorce finally went through and he eventually left his wife and planned to divorce her. We moved in together, but within 5 months, with everything seeming to be going great between us, he packed all his stuff one morning while I was at work. We were supposed to meet for lunch, but when he got to the restaurant, he called me to meet him outside. When I went outside, he handed me an envelope with my apartment key and 1/2 months rent and said he decided to go back to his wife and kids. It took months for me to get over him. The shock and devistation I felt was tremendous.

As I look back now, I am so disgusted with myslef and my behavior. I told every lie in the book and probably even created new ones. I knew how to decieve. I was living a LIE! And I also see how I negatively affected a wholesome, Christian marriage. Even though my marriage was coming to and end, I had no right to accept the advances of my happily married boss. I was being deceived by his attention to me-something I was lacking in my marriage of 14 years. I was not physically attracted to my boss at all, but as the emotional affair went on, the physical attraction grew and was acted upon. When I think about him now, I want to throw up. But more so, I feel bad for the heartbreak we caused his wife and kids. The things she went through were terrible.

I am now remarried and have been for a little over a year. That saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" couldn't be further from the truth with me. The very thought of any kind of infidelity whether in thought or action, absolutely makes me sick. Even though I have asked God for forgiveness, I still carry a lot of guilt and shame. I also live with the consequences of my actions, daily. The consequences I deal with is the FEAR of being blindsided by ANY kind of unfaithfulness. I obsess over the fear. I don't know how to lose this fear.

I have been thinking of writing an email to the wife of the man I had the affair with. We haven't spoken for over 3 years and I believe that they are still together. I don't want to disrupt her life, or bring back memories that she may have forgotten about, but I have never apologized to her for the hurt I was responsible for causing. I dont know if my apology is completely for her though...I think that by losing my pride and facing the person I've hurt the most, and saying I'm sorry, that there may be healing in my own life too. Since I carry the guilt of the pain I caused without ever apologizing, and because I carry the fear of something similar happening to me, I think if I face this past situation with a sincere contrite heart, that maybe I can finally let go of the past guilt and shame, and even lose the fear of the same deciet happening in my current marriage.

Or should I just let it go and let her live her life without my apology, and for me to continue carrying the guilt and consequences? I don't know how their marriage is going and I don't know to what extent he has apologized and changed his ways (and quite frankly I don't care anything about him...he was MY BOSS and had no place to feed my insecurities and begin a personal relationship with me...Yes, I allowed it then and take responsibility for my actions, but I refuse to carry ALL the blame of what happened!!!)

I want a happy marriage! I want to be free to live this second chance at life and love. Everyone fails and does bad things, but if a person is truly remorseful and learned valuable lessons, I also believe they should be given a chance to live a good life.

Should I write the email or not? If not, HOW do I free myself from the guilt and daily fear of being blindsided by a similar situation?

If you want to bash me for having the affair, please DO NOT respond. If you are the wife of a husband who has been cheated on and have any insight on how you would feel if you received an apology from "the other person" 3 years later, please let me know. Just please find it in your heart to not verbally attack me in the process. Thank you.

Hi

Thank you for your post. I think that sometimes you cant help who you fall in love with and that whilst it was not ideal behaviour I really hope you dont beat yourself up too too much - it sounds like you are tho. In terms of whether or not to write a letter/email I think that there is no right answer but it does sound to me like you want to in order to be able to forgive yourself about what happened. I dont know how she would receive it so you would maybe have to prepare for a negative reaction but hopefully you would be able to apologise and she accept that apology. If you decide to let us know how it goes if you want to.

Take good care

Cracked

I have been thinking of writing an email to the wife of the man I had the affair with. [...] since I carry the guilt of the pain I caused without ever apologizing, and because I carry the fear of something similar happening to me, I think if I face this past situation with a sincere contrite heart, that maybe I can finally let go of the past guilt and shame, and even lose the fear of the same deciet happening in my current marriage.

Or should I just let it go and let her live her life without my apology, and for me to continue carrying the guilt and consequences?

I wanted to touch on this and just say that those are not the only two options you have. You have the option of letting go and forgiving yourself as well. Others forgiveness or lack thereof does not decide how you need to feel about yourself. You can see that you have learned from the situation, that you have guilt over it, that you try to fix your life and that you are doing your best and not allowing the same thing to happen again. How you view yourself is your choice, and loving yourself and forgiving yourself can happen without her.

That's not to say you shouldn't send the letter. I think in the end though, forgiveness must come from within and if you feel it would help you that sending the letter can be a good thing. Preparing yourself, as Cracked said, for a negative response is also key though. Will you be able to feel secure and forgive yourself if she doesn't forgive you or if you never get a reply?

I think you have a kind heart and I think you're doing what you can. Have you talked to counselor or anything like that about your fears and how to best handle them so it doesn't negatively impact your current marriage? Sometimes it can be good to have someone to talk to

I hope whatever choice you make it includes taking care of yourself.

I don't think you should send a letter, wont do their marriage any good at all apart from bringing up bad memories.