Why am I allowed to live?

Its all beginning to make sense to me now. Since the beginning of this year I have made it a conceited effort to learn more about myself (psyche, passions, interests, etc) and what I have noticed that I have had a steady decline in my personal attitude.

Notable stuff:

I have distanced myself from by best friend of 4 years (justifying to myself that I cannot help him)

I have been dumped by my girlfriend (but I rationalized to myself that I didn't care)

I have sporadic sleep habits

I have a fear of my future success (I am going through a career change)

I have self-diagnosed myself with NPD ( I am so delusional that that I believe my life is based on the trope of "the atoner")

Because I believe I am supposed to be the atoner I don't see the appeal of killing myself. (I have decided I am not allowed to die until I finish taking take of my parents and they pass away)

The funny thing is that I am writing this, but I don't know what I want. Seeking help going against what I style myself as. I am a guilty person who wants to be punished.

Perhaps just writing this all just allows me to come to grips with how pathetic I am and how far I have yet to go. I am also extremely numb on writing this.


Haha! You know what I think?
It is my duty to suffer to the point where I can perhaps save those from the straying from the path I am on. - Negative things happening only strengthen my resolve to get to the point where I am allowed to die.

I constantly wonder why are terrible people like myself allowed to live?

May I ask one question?

Why do you think you are terrible?

Cracked

Buddhists believe life is all about suffering. That by living, dying, and being reborn we continue the suffering and the ultimate goal is to end the cycle and attain Nirvanna which is nothingness. Maybe you're a reborn Buddhist or something?

Fact is though, whether we experience suffering or not is a decision we make on how to react and interpret situations. You don't suffer unless that's how you wish to react to things. A masochist for example enjoys pain, whereas others who don't would interpret the same actions as suffering of some sort. How we interpret things and respond determines what's going on. Suffering to one, is pleasure to another in other words. If you don't wish to go on suffering, decide to intepret things another way. It really is that simple. If it helps, blame some deity for causing you woes. Seems to help lots of others gravitating to religion.

Im new here but ive been around, maybe not as much as others but i feel like in my situation i have gained some insight on life. Suffering is what makes us stronger as a person, that old military saying "pain is weakness leaving the body" i believe is true. Hardships and pain are what cause us to change, and change is what keeps us going. The purpose of life for me is satisfaction, and being a strong person is part of what give me satisfaction, having the strength to help others lesser than myself or those who dont deserve to be where they are, having the strength to eventually raise strong children, having the strength to make in impact on the world by taking people under ones wing, having the strength to show other people that we are better than them, not by talent but by blood and sweat and pain. Thats why i suffer, to get satisfaction out of life. And that is the only reason i have ever justified as worth living this life. We all have to find our own ways but i hope this helps you.