Please Help *do not enter if you have been abused*

I am somebody who has recently abused. i dont want to trigger any body. i just need to know where to post. i dont know what to do. i feel like i am going to kill myself and i dont know what to do. im so sorry if this causes anybody anything negative. this is my last resort and i want to do the right thing

-- Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:40 am --

now that this is somewhere that's okay i'll explain a bit more.

i am a young, adult male. there is a woman i have been in love with for years who is older than me. we recently started dating. i make no exaggeration when i say this person is my life. i wanted to marry her. i was getting ready to propose to her. we had an amazing relationship. she would attest to that for the most part (i am immature but she loved me anyway)

anyway, recently we went out on my birthday. we got a hotel out of town where we live. went to a bar and had a fantastic time. after returning we continued to have a great time. kept drinking, getting sexual, romantic, everything any sane person would want. at the end of the night she passed out while we were having sex, and i proceeded to masturbate on top of her. i put my mouth on her breast for a few seconds, before feeling like that was a weird thing to do (yeah). i masturbated and ejaculated onto her body. i then proceeded to clean it up.

i told her the next day when i remembered what happened. immediately (we were both insanely drunk so it was one of those things that came to you an hour after waking up).

now i need to apologize for maybe not making sense here, and explain that im telling the story as it happened for all parties.

so this all happened. her and i talked about it, and both were like "wow that is disgusting and kind of creepy". after we returned, we proceeded to talk about it. she said she feels its twisted, but kind of found it was hot and we ended up having the most incredible sex.

after all of this, she feels extremely ###$ up, understandably, and tells her ex boyfriend about all of it. i mean the sexual assault stuff. so he explodes, wants to murder me (literally), and much drama ensues and he talks to her about the definition of rape, sexual assault, and all of the other things that ought to be explained to somebody feeling confusing emotions over the situation.

so we talk later that night and she asks me if this has ever happened before. commence disgusting flashback of things that have happened while we've been both ###$ up wasted. being in their entirety: the exact same thing happening once before, masturbation in bed beside her after she passed out, and a memory of having sex with her while she was passing out and waking up intermittently (where i didnt finish) and feeling like i definitely should have stopped earlier (she was waking up in the middle and being like "yeah ###$ me" but i didn't have the self control to stop)

i want to explain here that im extremely well versed in rape culture and womens/gender issues and i honestly do get the severity of the situation. her and i have been in contact since this happened and ive been explaining to her that if she wants to press charges i would be completely accepting of it and my goal is to make her as comfortable and in control as she can be. she doesnt really want to though as she cares about me, HOWEVER she is developing a probably healthy rejection of our relationship, and trust she felt towards me and all that. and i think she may still pursue legal action.

on that note, I've texted her in detail about everything I've explained here, so she has that in her possession. my main goal is to make her feel as good as she can about everything, and I've explained to her that ill just plead guilty to anything that makes sense if she files any charges. i actually love this person more than myself, and if i caused her that type of harm i want to hold myself responsible for it to the extent SHE feels fit.

so.

ANYWAY i am getting lost and i am extremely drunk. i almost killed myself tonight but instead i decided to be constructive. I WANT TO MAKE THIS RIGHT. I'm trying to not contact her, and i can tell she is not trying to contact me, but we are both having issues. whenever she is around me (we work together) she gets this sweet look in her eye, that is confused by all of these feelings of betrayal and helplesness that makes me feel so unbelievably terrible i can barely operate. I FEEL SO DISGUSTING. i see her around me and i can see that she's dealing with getting over her feelings for me and i can barely struggle to do what's right. i'm trying to stay out of her way but its so hard.

i have completely lost my train of thought at this point. so i just want to say on top of all of this i cant live knowing what ive done to the person i care most about in the entire world. we are probably going to not speak again and i can barely handle this. i can't live without her. (this is where i get into delusional territory but its how i feel). i honestly cant live my life without her. i dont know what to do. ive hurt her so much and i dont deserve her but i cant live without her. im so confused and the only thing i can do is drink myself into a stupor and make posts on the internet. ive abused her for like 8 months (not straight, but the time that's occurred since the first thing happened. but we've been having sex for 4 years and we've been dating for 4 months). im trying to not make excuses for myself. im avoiding that part of my mind. what the ###$ do i do!? i can't process this. i don't know whjere to go physically for help, what to say to that person, and what to expect. what the hell is my problem? i could never do this to anybody yet i did. i dont know. please if you have anything to say, or aSK say it or ask it. it would help me immensely. i literally don't know what to do

Well, first, don't kill yourself. Whatever you do, don't do that. Whatever hurt she's feeling now will pale into insignificance beside that. This will all become a hundred times harder to resolve. And it's messed up but it's not the end of the world. You can, and need to, come through this.

If I might offer a course of action, it would be. Stop Drinking. Swear off it now. For life. And get to AA or another form of support for that. I'm not a prude about what people want to do in their own time. It's up to you if you follow this. But when getting drunk is at the root of abusive behaviour, honestly. It doesn't seem like a hard choice to me. Plus, it can help give a healthy point of focus while you're both working this through.

Next, I'm all for people getting support. But going to an ex boyfriend for help with sexual issues with a current boyfriend. That wasn't sensible and probably not helpful for her own state. Of course it's going to explode and hurt people. I'm not justifying what you've done. But I hope that she can get some support from a neutral source [perhaps local crisis counselling.] Who can talk through the issues with her. She's a consenting adult. And although you both have MUCH to talk about regarding when consent was given and whether it was "enthusiastic". I don't think it's helpful to leap into talk of rape and sexual assault, if she isn't sure how to feel about it yet. You're doing a good thing in giving her time and space to process what she now knows. Let her decide what the next moves are and don't try to push her to sharing, reporting or anything else.

You can live without her. You lived without her for years before you met her. And she'd left your life in some other way, you'd've handled it too. I'm not saying it's easy. Or that you should forget her. Or even write the relationship off. Just that being dramatic [I guess I mean drunk] isn't going to help. It really seems like you need support too. If you can access a counsellor locally, that might be good. They'll be able to help you get perspective on all this. And perhaps help you work out what next steps to take. Constructive, healthy ones. Look after yourself.

Hi, I can't help you out much... but I feel I can speak from both sides of the fence per se on this topic. You see, I have been abused in many ways (physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally, and sexually) throughout my life (22 years old). The sexual stuff ranging from sexual harassment to (possible) molestation, and multiple r*pes (I'm not even sure how many times they have occurred...).
Anyway, I can empathize greatly to how she may feel. And this part of me really feels for her and is angry at you, I admit. Yet at the same time, in my anger, I get the feeling that you have a genuine sense of remorse that you're experiencing. You're not evil. You aren't a monster. You made a poor choice(s), this is true, but that doesn't mean you're terrible. This is something I am dealing with in therapy: how could/can my dad love me so much and treat me so well when at the same time he's hurt me in many weird and painful ways? What my therapist and I have come up with is that people make bad choices, but this doesn't mean they're necessarily 'bad' people. No one is perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I think that the fact that you have remorse and are experiencing what seems to be a great deal of unease about this said event(s) speaks volumes. I don't think you're terrible. And I don't think you should stick the "I'm the Guy who sexually assaulted a girl" label on yourself either. And as I said, there is a part of me that does feel a little teeny bit of anger but that is only because my brain is causing me to correlate what happened to me and I am thus feeling the pain. But that's not your fault that's my own deal...
Is there anyone you can talk to for an opinion? Maybe a pastor or a priest? I talk to women at my church sometimes. Or maybe a counselor? Just a thought...
Also, please don't kill yourself. That's not the answer. And I agree with Ada. It would only compound the issues she's already facing. And I do think that a good way to start would be to get help for your drinking. It obviously causes problems for you and only brings grief. I know it's hard. I had to do a type of rehab when I was 16. I OD'd on a fufth of whiskey and a handful of different types of prescription pills. It was tough... really tough but I had a problem. Granted a lot of it was trying to drown out my pain and memories but I did also have a genuine problem. If you continue drinking it can only get worse. Alcohol is a depressant and it causes depression and suicidal ideation to be that much worse. And if you mix with alcohol and other drugs (if you do that that is) it can be fatal and cause a myriad of mental issues. Issues that you honestly don't need at all on top of what you're already facing. I know this from both personal and professional experience (I'm a nurse).
I understand that you care for this woman but I think that it's nice of you for being understanding and respectful of the potential that she may break ties with you. And although this seems unbearable, it is possible. I broke ties with my ex. I was very much in love with him. He was my best friend and lover. And I felt it was the end of my life and I didn't even want to go on but here I am. I made it through. And I wish him the best. I haven't talked to him in almost a year now and it no longer kills me like it did. I admit I miss him but it's ok.
But I feel that there will be no way to even begin to deal with this if you don't seek some type of help. A therapist would be the best bet. It's confidential and helps. I see a therapist. I've no clue what I'd do without her. Also, try and begin to forgive yourself.
Anyway, sorry this was so long! Wishing you (and her) the best! Good luck! Sending you support! Praying for you if ok.

~Chantel~

Thank you both so much for responding. I really needed to have people talk to me like I'm not the worst person in the world. Happy you made it through that drunken rambling and had really thoughtful comments. Now I have a further question.. To you as people who probably have more real life experience with this type of thing than me.

She already has a new boyfriend.. And all of our mutual friends are labelling me as sociopath and rapist. She feels as though I have been raping her over the course of the past year.. Now I'm not sure what she's told ppl. She probably hasn't exaggerated as that's not in her nature. But I'm so confused. I still don't know what to do. I am seeking professional help but not until this coming week. She, and you, know the same thing. I am the only person who remembers any of this- butI barely remember any of this stuff when sober, but I've told her and I've posted the exact same information.

Am I being judges correctly by my friends? And her? And her new boyfriend? I just don't know what to think.. I live in a super small town and this is going to effect the rest of my life. And my parents lives. I don't know what to think.. Can I talk to her about any of this? I feel like it's not my place to discuss with her whether or not she feels raped.. I'm losing everybody in my life.. If either of you can suggest anything at all to me is be so grateful.