I abused my cousin's daughter 8 years ago... I'm a monster

Not a single day passes that I don't think about that moment from 8 years ago. I really can't talk to anybody about it, and have been getting more and more depressed as the days go by. I have never experienced sexual abuse but I did come from a family who were very touchy-feely.

As a 13 year old, I did have friends but was very socially awkward and suffered from severe OCD/ADHD and depression symptoms. My relatives around this time would come visit my family on occasion. My cousin would bring his little girl around the age of 6 at the time and she always wanted me to play with her. Though one time she was in my room and on my lap and I don't know why but I stuck a finger in her. She didn't like it and I pulled it out immediately and I've never heard of the incident since then and I also do not know if anyone else knows.

Ever since then I've been dealing with the soul crushing shame and guilt on a daily basis.

I'm 21 currently and on the outside I am your typical outstanding college student. I have many friends from various social circles, people always want to hang out and I have no trouble making friends or in social situations. But because of what I've done I feel it's impossible to be good again and I feel like I am acting when I'm being my usual amiable self. I can win over anybody and can talk my way out of anything, but I feel like a lying, pathetic monster each time I open my mouth.

It's also thrown a serious wrench with my relationship with the opposite sex. Every time a girl gets close to me or get in physical contact, I feel like she's made of glass, very fragile and can break any second. I feel like I'm going to hurt women and children just by touching them.

I have recently started a relationship with a smart, beautiful girl but already I want to break it up because I feel like I will hurt her somehow.

I get sexual gratification now by going on web-chat sites naked and telling old men to treat me like a slut and call me sexually degrading things.

I don't know if I can be good or even normal again or if I'm just going to be this hideous monster for my whole life.

If anyone can help me, or advice or just say something it would be a huge relief for me.

Thank You,

From a Monster

Firstly, I don't think you are a monster at all. You did a silly thing as a 13 year old child when you were

very socially awkward and suffered from severe OCD/ADHD and depression symptoms.

Sounds like you needed help and understanding.
Most people have done stupid things they bitterly regret, at some time.
This girl probably does not remember the incident and you did not repeat it or seek to do it again.

I have never experienced sexual abuse but I did come from a family who were very touchy-feely.

What does that mean exactly,
Does it mean normal boundaries were broken?

I don't think your family dynamic sounds like a good one.

I still feel like I should have been mature enough at that age to know the difference between right or wrong.

As for my family dynamic, we were a loving family albeit a weird one. As weird as it sounds from the ages of 4-9ish I had a habit of playing with my mother's breasts. My father was a very feminine man and would often cuddle me (non-sexual) and kiss me (usually not on lips) as a sign of affection. Though I remember starting around 10 my parents ceased to talk with each other and even as a child I could feel a tension between them.

Now my parents aren't as distant anymore but I still do feel they don't love each other, or never actually did love each other.

I just came back from school and again I just felt like a monster wearing a mask. I might feel even almost fine in these social situations such as college, bars, parties and social gatherings where everybody loves me and we all get along. But at home I feel like I'm peeling off this mask that makes me loved and that I'm not deserving of love and affection from my family, friends and even my girlfriend.

I have abused drugs and alcohol for the past three years as a way to get by, although I am sober now and feel a little better. I just want to be to good again.

Also, thank you very much Yorkshirelass listening to what I have to say.

mistermonster
Nope you are not a monster, and your family was as you say a little weird.
I find your mother letting you, encouraging you to 'play with her breasts' like that a tad unhealthy.

You seem to hate yourself and you have focused on this mistake you made at 13 to blame it all on.

I think there is much more to it than that, as most people have done silly things at one time or another (that have done no lasting harm to another) and let it go.
IMO its your parents relationship with you, and the coldness between them that has caused you problems.
Do you remember your childhood as a happy place or an uncomfortable one?

Now that I look back into my childhood, it just seems like I've been on auto pilot almost. I have an older brother (1 year older) who I love dearly and is my best friend. But growing up when our parents would leave us home alone I remember my brother starting to cry and bawl when we would be left alone or separated from our parents. I would usually feel calm or indifferent until he started crying, then I would get scared and also sometimes start crying.

I guess I always had trouble trying to understand others and their emotions.

Grades 1-4 I never had trouble making friends, but from 5-8 all of a sudden in a new school I found myself as the "weird" kid, that always had trouble finding a partner for group work or even having friends in general. In grade 7 I went through a phase of being the class clown, always tripping over stuff or making a fool of myself in front of the class for their laughter and attention. It seems around this time I started getting sad and having a lower self-esteem, but I would make myself the butt of everyone's jokes just to be included.

Grade 8 (the age of my assault) I was at an all time low. I had friends, but they were also losers and weirdos. I also embraced my geekiness at this time as my persona and wore it like a badge, but my peers seemed to dislike me and tease me even more for it. And one day we had to get up in front of the class and tell everyone what we thought about a particular holiday. I spoke my mind and said it was just another day off for us to relax and play video-games. The whole class was shocked and the teacher singled me out in front of the class as if I had done something terrible. I really didn't understand back then why everyone got so upset, I was scared and confused.

My parents until this day and even more so growing up were very critical of me. Whether it be my looks, grades, athletic prowess, behavior or anything to do with me always seemed disappointed in me somehow. I would try to please them, make them happy or just get them to call me a good boy or tell me I had done something right for once. I still love my parents and I do remember us getting along at times, but most of my memories are of them expressing disappointment through silent glares or yelling.

High school was a breeze, I stepped out of my shell socially and I had many friends from all sorts of social circles, though it seemed like people only liked me for being the goofy clown. My parents criticism of me seemed to to have lessened, though it seemed like they just started caring less or just gave up.

College (which I'm currently enrolled) there's a lot less turmoil in my life since I've sobered up and everyone loves me and thinks I'm an outstanding guy. Though I still can't get over what I've done 8 years ago.

Again, I could not thank you enough Yorkshirelass for listening to what this poor, broken soul has to say.

I don't know if that'll help you, but take a look at my thread. I haven't been able to find the answers I'm looking for yet, but I told about that to my therapist, a few friends, and my parents. They all understood and told me that it is no big deal. Now I'm only struggling to integrate that memory in a way that it fits in who I am, which I think it's the most important issue.

Here's the thread, hope it helps: remorse/topic123217.html