What have i done.

Please please before i start don't judge me, i beg you im trying so hard to keep it together.

Recently i had a flashback to when i was 11 it was Christmas night i think (it was snowing outside because i could see out of the window, it was nighttime)

I was staying over at a friends house which i usually did every few weeks with my sister (half) i used to play with the other kids there one my age 1 3 years young and 1 6 years younger but i knew no difference in ages because i was that stupid in my brain and i looked ridiculously young for me age , the 5 year old went to sleep early and i was allowed to stay up a bit later, i think an hour then the mother said you will have to sleep in such a persons bed which was ok, i am mentioning this because i didn't plan any of it!.

So i was in bed i couldn't sleep and i remember just staring at the 5 year old (i was 11) i don't know what came over me but i just poked him! in the private area i stopped then i gave him a kiss thinking absolutely nothing in me at the time i felt as if it was normal! i recall going to sleep a few minutes later my head near his toes and my feet near his head and that was it! fell asleep.

I thought nothing of it until these past few years which started with a flashback, it was so horrible the feeling i was wondering why i would do such a thing, why did i feel no shame at the time? why i did it most of all!, something happened another time with another friend of the similier age but we was just joking around and we're still good friends still.

Suicide followed, i started self harming, taking tablets trying to mask the shame and guilt only recently i stopped doing such a thing, the guilt is still there with me, the poor lad probably doesn't even know what happened but that isn't the point i should never of harmed another human being, i didn't understand boundaries thats for sure, i accidentally hit my dad in the privates one time and he gave me the look as in don't do that! thats how i now know those things are a big no no which im grateful for, what do i do now? i have been thinking of going to the police and handing myself in but im not sure if im being way to drastic, i have had therapy but of course i can't mention anything because of the guilt, i said one time to my therapist i did something bad as a child and she said everyone does bad things but this wasn't something i did for example spilt juice on the floor, or forgot to brush my teeth, this is something that could ruin someone life.

I am an adult and so is he, he just started university and loving life to what my step m says and i felt great knowing that he is doing good but he could always remember, could someone help me please i know i have a nerve asking for help, i was only young and absolutely pathetic, stupid, selfish i just didn't know! i never expected any of this.

I don't know if that'll help you, but take a look at my thread. I haven't been able to find the answers I'm looking for yet, but I told about that to my therapist, a few friends, and my parents. They all understood and told me that it is no big deal. Now I'm only struggling to integrate that memory in a way that it fits in who I am, which I think it's the most important issue. I think it's ok for you to tell some people you trust, at least your therapist. If anyone can help you, that would probably be him/her.

Here's the thread, hope it helps: remorse/topic123217.html

From what I am thinking you didn't do anything to warrant how you feel about yourself. At 11 years old I'll presume you were going through puberty, and people in that period do weird things, not your fault it's just all your hormones bouncing around and your forming an identity for yourself. I doubt they remember any of this and even if they did I don't think it would take a toll on their mental health.

You know it was wrong and haven't done anything like that since so there is nothing wrong with you, you were just a child and shouldn't feel bad about anything. It just sounds like you were curious and it wasn't a sexual act. Don't go to the police over this, you aren't a criminal and they probably wouldn't even do anything about it. If you really feel awful about it try going to a Psychotherapist and talking with them, they will help you get over this and move on with your life.

Thank you Mike.

I have made an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow going to discuss a psychotherapist with her, i can't go on like this anymore, i do feel slightly better speaking about it here but its not really the same as to someone face to face, why can't we all just have a time machine and go back, i feel my life has been cursed from the start, mother died at 3 i did this "crime" even if it was one then my dad died a few years later, whats next? will i ever find peace.

We all have things we'd like to go back and change, you've just got to accept that they happened and not let them wear you down. Things have got to be bad before they can get better