Very strong remorse about "mild" abuse [possible trigger]

lifelongthing wrote:

The reasons for this mistake are somewhat unknown... and this is the most uncomfortable. I can't figure out what were the "positive" expectations I had when I did that, it is totally blocked.

This sounds distressing. I think it's natural to want to understand what one thinks and what made one act in a way that makes one uncomfortable. I hope you can figure it out in time so that you can let go of some of the guilt that is making your life difficult.

Yes, that's exactly what I want.

lifelongthing wrote:

I'm thinking about Memory Regression Therapy (for the memory) or Behavior Cognitive Therapy (for OCD or POCD). I don't know if any of those will help, but at least they are new perspectives... what do you think?

I am in recovery for OCD, but not doing CBT per se so I can't talk about that. Have you asked your T if he has an opinion about this? Or if he'd be able to refer you to someone who's worked with more complex remorse issues?

Actually my hypnotherapist already sent me to CBT, she said that I wasn't able to relax, and so she wouldn't be able to hypnotize me until I manage to give up resistance. So now I started with a behaviorist, and I think it's gonna be good, he was my teacher in college and he's a great therapist.

lifelongthing wrote:I hope hypnotherapy goes well for you.

I'm glad you bumped your thread and continue to ask for support. There are people here who want to help but may not know exactly what to say to help. I hope you find some healing, you deserve to.

Thanks a lot.

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:Every time I comment on stuff like this I get in trouble with some Mod. But all the people you've told who said it isn't a thing were right. It WAS exploration, and being 3-6 years old at the time it's highly doubtful your brother even remembers the event or could have been scarred or harmed because of it. Much depends on how a parent who walks in on these things reacts as children learn how to react imitating their parents. If when your Mom came in she didn't raise her voice, give you a 'stern talking to' in front of your brother, or other out of the ordinary reaction beyond asking what's that? I wouldn't hang on to it. It seems like you have other issues with sex and are grabbing onto this incident as a probable cause of your other issues.

If I'm not posting things tomorrow I got in trouble again

I aprecciate your reply, and I think I would say the same thing to another person in the same situation. But my issue isn't so much anymore about what he felt or what it could cause him. Whatever harm it could do, I would be able to reverse it by understanding what I did and why I did it. So I started to try, but I still can't, and being a psychotherapist myself, it comes with a lot of anxiety and it envolves much more stuff than it seems like.

About "other issues with sex", yes, I have something I didn't share yet... ever since I was a teenager I have this weird feeling/suspicion that my father sexually abused me while I was asleep. I don't know exactly why, but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I have always been paranoid about a lot of things, and now this "issue" is entangled with that scene with my brother and it's getting dangerous. I really need to get a grip and start thinking straight. I've read about false memories and false sensations of abuse, the circumstances are very alike my family structure, but I can't get everything right in my head. I'm trying, I think this new therapy will help.

KevinG31 wrote:If your brother wasn't bothered by it and didn't even pay any attention to it happening then what exactly are you guilty over? It sounds more like an OCD problem.

It doesn't matter much. If you follow that logic, you could say that it's ok to rape someone while he/she is doped. That's not how it is, you know.

First, the way you are feeling is never invalid. Whether it's an "OCD" track or not, it's valid. What you can do is re-wire it so it's more of a smooth train of thought. Writing it out is a good start. If you have a therapist, that's good, too. He can help you get things more clear so you can make sense of what happened, and what to do to help resolve it. You can't undo it, but you can make it a little better. Make peace with it.

About your father possibly abusing you…you may never know either way. But the confusion about sex does sound like it may have been a possibility. Talking this out with your therapist should be helpful as well.

Not to be a downer, but I would be leery of having a therapist whom you knew before he was your therapist. I say this because, when we know someone, even in a professional environment, we may form biases about that person that may affect our ability to be objective about their situation. Having him refer you to someone would be ok I think, but I would just be leery of actually going to someone you know first hand. It also may be hard to open up to him/relax if you know there's a chance you'll run into him, need a reference from him, etc. in your career or any future educational situations. Any chance you'd consider moving therapists? I think it might be beneficial to you.

Lastly, just remember that one mistake doesn't define you. Everyone makes them. And, not to downplay how you feel, but people have done way worse and been forgiven and forgiven themselves. So, try to go easy on yourself. (For your sanity, and also because it will be easier to work stuff out when you're not beating yourself up!)

Do you remember y u did it? if you did it as an impulse but not necause u wanted to feel arousal you could have had an impulse disorder if u did it to see if u would be aroused you could been testing which ocders do to see if they get aroused to see if theyre pedophiles.maybe you dont have ocd but still.just wantef to know how it would make you feel. if its the latter I myself would be upset with myself it wasnt a good choice but sexuality is hard to.stifle. your sorry and havent done it again try to firgive yourself. you only have one life to ne happy. (((hugs)))