Very strong remorse about "mild" abuse [possible trigger]

Well, first of all I want to say how "relieved" I was for me to find this forum and see that there's other people in similar situations. That made me realize I'm not as freakish as I thought, but I don't know yet if that's a good thing...

Let me start by saying that I'm male, 25 years old, and I have a traumatic memory from when I was 10-13 years old that I totally blocked for maybe 3-5 years after it happened and kept avoiding it ever since it came back. I couldn't simply forget anymore, but whenever it emerged I forcefully threw it away and thought of other things. That been done, I felt like I've developed as a person, socially and sexually (although I'm still a virgin), quite ok. I've never done anything seriously wrong except at that particular event, I have a great social life, a job and planning to start an academic carrer as a psychoterapist very soon. But 2 months ago this memory has started to cry for attention and now it needs to be integrated, I can't run away for it anymore and it's literally killing me ever since. I spent weeks unable to eat, days unable to sleep, been smoking three times the usual, don't feel confortable around my family and have thought about suicide a few times.

So, the event: As I said, I was 10 to 13 years old (the memory was so blocked that I can't remember the year, which is rare cause I have a very good memory ability). Me and my brother, who is 7 and a half years younger than me were showering, I was behind him. Eventually I just went down and touched his butt with my penis, and I REALLY can't figure out exactly why. That must have been 1 or 2 seconds until my mother walked in the bathroom, asked "WHAT'S THAT?", I immediately stood up and said "nothing" (though I can't really say for sure if I didn't stood up before she walked in). I can't remember anything that happened on this day, before or after that scene, not even what I've thought, felt, done... anything. Except for an extreme remorse and the urge to kill this memory. So I blocked it, so well that I can't even reach it properly anymore.

Ok, I was a child at puberty, these sort of things happen, is exploration... but my problem is that I have an extremely close relationship with my brother ever since he was born. I begged for a brother for years, I was fascinated when he was born, and have always been by his side to this day. I'm his total reference (although we had our differences and fights when he was 14-16 years, which has passed now). He is 17 now. He is an awesome person, has a beautiful girlfriend and lots of friends who love him. Still he is somehow depressed and confused about life, not knowing exactly why. He was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 when he was 13. I'm terrified to think that I could have caused any harm to him. It's true that our parents aren't exactly father and mother of the year, they fight A LOT ever since before I can remember and I always thought that it hasn't affected me very much, or that I have been able to surpass it... but I don't know anymore. I'm very, very scared of it now.
Basically I'm dealing with these questions:

-the guilt
-the remorse
-the fear of causing any harm to him
-my sexuality, which is predominantely idealized, since I'm yet a virgin, so that point is ###$ up in many ways
-my feelings toward kids, which was built almost entirely because of my relationship with my brother (note: I'm a volunteer worker in an orphanage)
-my extremely strict, altruist and yet liberal moral code
-my ideas about people and morals. basically, if that's an "ok" thing, the world scares me. if it's not, I'm scared of myself

I have a whole lot of issues to share that could relate to this, I'm actually recasting everything in my unconscious and my life history to get my personality together again (and it's not always going well, as you may imagine), and I feel I may be exaggerating a little bit. Maybe I have POCD, I wasn't diagnosed yet but I can relate to that. But anyway, I want to wait until this topic develops a bit more so I can continue to share whatever may be relevant or whatever you may ask. I have no intention to hide anything other than personal data. Please, if anyone can help... I'm trying to stay positive, keep working and hanging out with my friends and my brother. But it's hard.

P.S.: I've told about this to my therapist, 2 friends (male/female) and, recently, to my parents. They were all very positive and told me that's nothing to worry about except my own idealizations. My mother even told me that she did some stuff like that to her cousins when she was 14 or so, and they were maybe 10 years younger... but I still can't be confortable around that.

Thanks a lot if you read it and even more if you think you can help. I hope I can get past this so I can help other people with similar issues.

-- Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:06 am --

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No one has any opinion about it?

-- Tue Sep 10, 2013 8:22 pm --

80 views and no one has anything to say? Please, if anyone can help me... I don't know what to do anymore. My parents, my friends and my therapist are all saying that this is nothing to worry about, but I simply can't put everything together in a way that feels comfortable, all my ideals about life are being crushed one by one, every day.

I really need an opinion, something else to process about this... I'm stuck in a wheel of thoughts that is only getting smaller and creepier.

What is POCD? Paranoid OCD? Your thought process here does seem very OCD to me, and I have witnessed similar in an OCD friend. I think that most people wouldn't give this a thought. It's just normal kid stuff. And I can imagine cringing at the memory, but it is no more serious than that.

It sounds like your brother was maybe five at the time. I cannot imagine that he has any memory of it. And, btw, I am also a type I and my heart sank for him when I saw that. Didn't feel one iota sorry for him over the butt thing, as I doubt it was a blip on the radar. But, ugh, the diabetes can really mess you up emotionally and I'm willing to bet that is at the bottom of any gloomyness.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time w this. There is no doubt in my mind that this is OCD related.

The fact that your therapist, your friends and your parents all agree that this isn't a big deal is enough to prove it. This is definitely your OCD speaking.

I don't think you have done your brother any harm at all.
I do think your parents sound awful. Any damaged done is their fault 100%

Thanks a lot for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I don't know if I was very clear when I said that I can't tell exactly why I did that. But I know it was a sexual thing, I know I was curious, probably about penetration (most boys at puberty just need to stick their penises at any hole available) and I think I knew it was wrong, 'cause I think it's very unlikely to feel deep remorse one second after doing something you didn't know it's wrong. I just don't know how much I knew about what harm it could do to him... or to me.

I think I haven't started to masturbate yet, cause I remember starting at 13, and from then on, been very reserved about my sexuality. It was like my body became a temple of pleasure and I didn't need anything other than my fantasies to get high on it. So, I'm almost sure that on this particular event I wasn't yet associating sexual acts with pleasure, cause I didn't understand the meaning of orgasm.

My concerns go as far as my whole personality and my relation with him. Even if this was just curiosity and no harm was done, it was a form of abuse, for I did use another person without thinking properly about how would I feel if that happened to me. I know it's a lot of responsibility for a child, but my relation with my brother was always very parental. I was supposed to look after him, not just play with him. What if this is a pattern? I may have abused him emotionally through his whole life, since I was very emotionally abused by my parents and by society, and just thought it was normal behavior (I don't think like that anymore, thanks to my graduation in psychology).

I'm also concerned about telling him about what happened. I can't keep avoiding it, I hate to be dishonest, especially with him, and I have been hiding that from him for more than 12 years already. My mother thinks he won't mind it at all if I tell him, but I don't know. He's going through a personality confusion (he's telling me), can't really figure out who he is, or what he feels, and he's very afraid of it. My parents finally agreed on getting him to therapy, which may start next week, so I don't know if I should wait until he starts, or tell him as soon as possible, or don't tell at all. All I know is that I'm getting very uncomfortable around him, 'cause he needs my advices and I can't see myself as worth of confidence anymore, at least not while I'm hiding something from him. And he's perceiving our distance, and he's getting affected by that. He knows I'm sad these days and he recently asked my mother if there's anything to do with him. At the same time I think maybe I'm doing a big drama over a small thing and just being selfish, craving for attention.

And yes, all of this is probably due to OCD, but these thoughts are inside me and have been formed through experience, I just have to find a way to organize them and bring them back to reality. My main concern right now is talking to him, I think... I just don't know, as I said, if it's the right time.

p.s.: I also don't want to blame my parents, they had me at a very young age, and they both came from disfunctional families and had to put up with a lot themselves. I do feel angry with their negligence, but I know I shouldn't feed those feelings, 'cause they emerge from idealization. Life is what it is, not what we want it to be. Yet I do feel like they need to look at some of their own problems of behavior so they can help me and my brother. I just don't know if they'll be able to do that right now.

You didn't actually do anything. I don't think your brothers problems are your fault at all.
Sounds like you parented your brother as best you could due to neglect from your parents.

It would be more help to your brother if you stopped beating yourself up, if you allow yourself to be free from guilt that is not yours you can be a happier more positive role model and a good friend to your brother.
Your misplaced guilt is a barrier to a close relationship with him.
Forget this mild abuse and concentrate on helping him.

You don't blame your parents for their neglect, but you should it is their fault. Accepting that will help you stop blaming yourself.
Putting the blame where it belongs does not mean you got to stop caring for them, it just means you can move on.

I can't see how I "didn't do anything". I did what I did, as little as it may be. I had intentions that were related to sexual curiosity. The act was performed to a child that had no clue of what was happening and totally trusted me (and still does).

Now, I know that this sort of thing is common and there are people (including members of this forum) who may be struggling with much worse scenarios than I am, but still this is very difficult for me, as "mild" as it can be. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and most of their reasons are known to me. The reasons for this mistake are somewhat unknown... and this is the most uncomfortable. I can't figure out what were the "positive" expectations I had when I did that, it is totally blocked.

I could never expect myself to do something like this, not in a million years, not for whatever reason. It just doesn't fit to me as I know myself. All my ideas about life, about my relation with reality are confused now. As everybody says to me that this is no big deal, I started trying to process it that way, and I'm kinda able to do that logically, but certainly not emotionally. It just doesn't feel right. And I don't know what else I can do. My therapist doesn't know either (he actually said that). I'm thinking about Memory Regression Therapy (for the memory) or Behavior Cognitive Therapy (for OCD or POCD). I don't know if any of those will help, but at least they are new perspectives... what do you think?

-- Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:46 am --

Well, right now I'm very scared of this thought of blaming my parents. My remorse is/was really strong, and if it turns to anger it could be even more harmful and I don't want that, and I don't need that. I'm starting hypnotherapy tomorrow to see how it goes from now on, since logical thinking isn't doing much good for the past 3 months.

I just want to fix this train of thought so I can help myself and get rid of the guilt. I just can't get rid of the guilt, it keeps changing shapes and it's scaring me. If anyone has anything else to say, please do.

The reasons for this mistake are somewhat unknown... and this is the most uncomfortable. I can't figure out what were the "positive" expectations I had when I did that, it is totally blocked.

This sounds distressing. I think it's natural to want to understand what one thinks and what made one act in a way that makes one uncomfortable. I hope you can figure it out in time so that you can let go of some of the guilt that is making your life difficult.

I'm thinking about Memory Regression Therapy (for the memory) or Behavior Cognitive Therapy (for OCD or POCD). I don't know if any of those will help, but at least they are new perspectives... what do you think?

I am in recovery for OCD, but not doing CBT per se so I can't talk about that. Have you asked your T if he has an opinion about this? Or if he'd be able to refer you to someone who's worked with more complex remorse issues?

I hope hypnotherapy goes well for you.

I'm glad you bumped your thread and continue to ask for support. There are people here who want to help but may not know exactly what to say to help. I hope you find some healing, you deserve to.

Every time I comment on stuff like this I get in trouble with some Mod. But all the people you've told who said it isn't a thing were right. It WAS exploration, and being 3-6 years old at the time it's highly doubtful your brother even remembers the event or could have been scarred or harmed because of it. Much depends on how a parent who walks in on these things reacts as children learn how to react imitating their parents. If when your Mom came in she didn't raise her voice, give you a 'stern talking to' in front of your brother, or other out of the ordinary reaction beyond asking what's that? I wouldn't hang on to it. It seems like you have other issues with sex and are grabbing onto this incident as a probable cause of your other issues.

If I'm not posting things tomorrow I got in trouble again

squonk88 wrote:I can't see how I "didn't do anything". I did what I did, as little as it may be. I had intentions that were related to sexual curiosity. The act was performed to a child that had no clue of what was happening and totally trusted me (and still does).

Now, I know that this sort of thing is common and there are people (including members of this forum) who may be struggling with much worse scenarios than I am, but still this is very difficult for me, as "mild" as it can be. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and most of their reasons are known to me. The reasons for this mistake are somewhat unknown... and this is the most uncomfortable. I can't figure out what were the "positive" expectations I had when I did that, it is totally blocked.

I could never expect myself to do something like this, not in a million years, not for whatever reason. It just doesn't fit to me as I know myself. All my ideas about life, about my relation with reality are confused now. As everybody says to me that this is no big deal, I started trying to process it that way, and I'm kinda able to do that logically, but certainly not emotionally. It just doesn't feel right. And I don't know what else I can do. My therapist doesn't know either (he actually said that). I'm thinking about Memory Regression Therapy (for the memory) or Behavior Cognitive Therapy (for OCD or POCD). I don't know if any of those will help, but at least they are new perspectives... what do you think?

-- Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:46 am --

Well, right now I'm very scared of this thought of blaming my parents. My remorse is/was really strong, and if it turns to anger it could be even more harmful and I don't want that, and I don't need that. I'm starting hypnotherapy tomorrow to see how it goes from now on, since logical thinking isn't doing much good for the past 3 months.

I just want to fix this train of thought so I can help myself and get rid of the guilt. I just can't get rid of the guilt, it keeps changing shapes and it's scaring me. If anyone has anything else to say, please do.

If your brother wasn't bothered by it and didn't even pay any attention to it happening then what exactly are you guilty over? It sounds more like an OCD problem.