A history of suicidal thoughts

I put this in here b/c I don't know where to place it.In recent weeks my big lack of knowledge of programming and HTML required for my school program has made me severely worried about how this lacking will present itself next semester (similar to how my lack of hand on labs skills showed severely in analytical chemistry labs which was one of the reasons for me getting my back-end handed to me and leaving the program).

In that violently fermenting storm of chaos in my mind one thought reoccurs to me.In the long stream of "funky" stuff on this website it might not be all that "funky". I actually remember a teacher telling us how her daughter felt this when she younger then I was when I felt this.I remember how when I was between 9-10 years old I was suicidal.I would just smother myself with a pillow constantly thinking "I dont want to live,I dont want live" for many f--- reasons that I wish I had completely documented in journal instead of starting so only really at 19 yrs old.

Thinking back to a neuropsych multiple choice question sheet there were questions about suicide but it only asked if you ever have *attempted* it.That made me think about how that is the dang marking border between those who are intent on ending it all and those who just say they want to find release from life.

I'm a functionally useless human being.I'm slow in wits,speed of understanding,physical strength (ESPEICALLY with my hands),have a pathetic attention span and memory which I frequently wonder if it's even functioning and can prob.hardly hold a job just like that d---- stupid position as a cart boy at a supermarket ;_- .

this is connected with the posting about me being a useless human being.
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generalized-anxiety/topic122897.html

the stuff before the line of equal signs was written almost last here and it's stayed here as a draft I'm now releasing b/c I don't want to add more on to it in the future times I feel glum.So often though life seems to allow existence on the basis of something saying "Are you useful?,are you useful?,are you useful?" serving as a reason for some the worst acts ppl do like ruthless factory exploitation,"prenatal terminations",making and selling drugs all the while being ready to cause war for it,neglecting the disabled like they're non-existent bkground pieces and letting even ppl who are eloquent rot away in homeless anoymity.So often I can imagine that if I fail an assignment or something or don't develop a skill like learning how to drive or never find a purpose like being responsibly/satisfingingly married with children and still have have sanity intact I feel like that would serve as enuff justification for society to put me on a cull list.

I wont commit or attempt suicide but the sacrifical mindset definately still is in me.A question I'd like to make is if there is something I should do about that mindset and how to change it.Best for me to get this out before my 3rd attempt at post-secondary education starts tomorrow after 2 yrs fruitless yrs of struggling in past programs and now being 22 and shamefully never having worked formally for a day and expecting to have wife and life in the unextragent way I want it to be.

I am sure you are smart if you are in college. You are important to the people that care about you.