I abused my cousin

Hello,

I was 14 to 16 when this happened and my cousin was 10 to 12. We were great friends. We were really close until I started to grow up and started to hang out with friends more my age. He always saw me as an idol when we were younger. I'm the oldest grandchild of my family.

Firstly I want to tell a couple of things that happened to me while young.
My father lived far from me and we didnt talk much, more like once a year. then my mother married another guy, who is the person i really consider as my father. Despite of that he travelled a lot and I never had a father figure very present in my life.

When I was 7 I had a "girlfriend" and we used to change our clothes on front of each other. Onc, she and a friend decided to show their vaginas to me. And I showed them my penis something that I really didnt felt like doing.

Also about that same age, a son of my parents's friends showed me some porn clips. And maybe it was about that ime when i discoverd more about porn.

I really dont believe that any of those facts made me different or changed me.
We always played games and invented stories. I pretended that I was his girlfriend and he was mine. Once we were playing and I said for him to give mea small kiss. He was like your kidding. And it was just for the game. And i really didnt feel anything for him. It was just a game.
We hugged each other and it really didnt became more than that for a while.

One day I got hard and he was very athletic, so we joked that he was hard on the belly and I wasdown there. It developed a bit from there. We showered once and touched it other a few times. We both knew it was wrong and one day I told him that these were all jokes and now we shouldnt do them anymore. And we havent.

However our relation has bece somwhat distant and the times we are togerher are really awkward. And the more the time goes the more I feel guilty. Now I'm 18 and he is 14 and he is really shy and he doesnttalk a lot to people when I'm around.

His parenta are very strict. They make him play tennis and now he quit. I feel like he is changing and that he isnt always happy. I just feel that I ruined his life. I dont know what to do.

I saw him today and he was awjward as always. I really dont know what to do. I was feeling so bad and I talked to my other aunt. She was like, his parents push and force him to play tennis, they get mad at him when he lose. But I dontknow I feel like somethibg happened to him, aomeone dis aomething to him.

I know it was me. I ruined his life. I feel so ao guilty. And I'm afrais this secret will come out and my family will hate me. I know I changed and matured from when I was 15. I was a stupidkid ans if i coild turn back time I wouldnt do ir again!

P.s i wrote this on my phone. Im editing it in a few seconds.

What should I do? I really hate the idea that this mistake could ruin pur lifes forever

I understand feeling like u ruined his life but u can't know unless u ask and even then you can't change it. I know it is incredibly hard but try to move on. It is in the past and you were not an adult so you couldn't have understand it would scar him.