Was I mean to my sister?

sorry for the length of this but here it is ....

So of the 3 sisters in my family, the youngest of the three...she and I shared a bathroom. She's almost 4 years older then me. I must have been 12 or 13 and somehow got to watch that wonderful movie Animal house, and that scene were J. Belushi gets the ladder and spies on that girl
while she undresses was one of the hottest scenes I can remember as a kid. But the damaging part was it made me realize, because my sis and I shared a bathroom, that maybe I could spy on her and sneek a peek. And did I ever. We shared a toilet and bathtub/shower but we had our own sinks where we entered from opposite sides of the bathroom. For me, from the sink walking into the bathroom on the left was the toilet and on the right was the shower. Our sinks faced opposite directons. Anyway, she would shower, and every time when she was done, she'd open her bathroom door all the way while leaving mine closed and I'd fall to the floor and peek under. It was awesome because she spent a tremendous amount of time in front of her sink... fixing her hair, brushing her teeth, applying lotions and creams, etc. Luckily for me, she performed all of these activities while completely nude. Not until she was completely finished would she put on her underwear and bra. It was difficult to see her boobs because of the angle of sight, but it was so easy to see her vagina. And it was amazing, this was back in the 1980's before shaving so she had a nice full bush and lovely curly black hair. It was an absolute joy to see her naked. And I pleasured myself many, many times after spying on her.

As time went by I used to imagine what she would do or say if I told her I'd seen her naked. But I was all too embarassed and ashamed to do somthing as insane as that. So I did something even more crazy one summer when she, my brother, and my parents and I went on vacation. I must have been 14 going on 15. On this particular vacation we stayed in a cabin and she and I shared a room. When we arrived, I realized that based on the layout of the cabin, if one were to situate ones self in front of the bathroom mirror, they could easily see a majority of the bedroom by simply using the bathroom mirror reflection for viewing purposes.

This gave me a great idea. I convinced myself it was my way of saying thanks for the memories, and I figured if I stood in the proper spot and dropped my towel, she'd see my naked body, and that would be my way of "returning the favor." Thus allowing her to spy on me as I did to her so many times.

Oh, and I felt it was very important, no surprise....that I was fully erect as I did this.

So I did it the first morning and got an immediate reaction. No, she didn't say anything to me, but rather, when it came time for her to put her bra on, she basically dropped her towel and put her bra on right in front of me. Not directly, she was basically turned away, a little past profile view and I saw her entire right boob! Oh it was awesome. So the next day I did it again, then saw her boob again. I did it every day of the trip and got the same in return!

When we got home, there were a lot less door closings and accidentally being caught by her while I was naked and fully erect was becoming quite the thrill for me. She was very confident and comfortable looking at me. And I gave her several opportunities to see me naked and she always looked, she would turn to look at me and I'd watch her eyes look directly at my penis, then look up at me and she'd let out a genuine smile of excitement over what she had seen. Sometimes she'd just poke her head in the shower to catch a glimpse while I was showering and I'd just laugh and turn away and tell her to stop. I believed she wanted to see my erection and enjoyed it, and I was happy to let her see.

She reciprocated but apparently not enough to satisfy the hormones of a maniacal 14/15 year old so I continued spying despite her making it quite clear that she was willing to reveal herself to me fully. One of the last opportunities I witnessed was one day at the beginning of her shower. After the vacation, the pattern was that I'd shower first and she'd come in when I was done. Only then would I realize that I left the doors wide open and left myself "exposed" standing completely naked and hard for her too see. Then I'd be like "oops" and grab a towel or close the door.

Usually she'd be wearing her pajamas but this time, she came into the bathroom with only her underwear amd no top, rather using only her bathtowel to cover her chest. I still remember thinkin after seeing her like that, that it was only a matter of time before she comes to the bathroom with now towel at all and her boobs fully exposed, then shortly there after she'd surely not wear underwear either and allow a full frontal view of her tits and puss.

But despite that I continued to spy and even found a mirror perhaps the size of a sticky note, and used it to spy on her one time as she was naked taking a leak before her shower. She must have heard me or saw the mirror and leaned down to look at it and got 100% absolute certain confirmation that I was spying on her and that was the end of it
She never said anything except when her shower was over that day she opened my door and tightly wrapped in her towel she said "It steamy in here, I'll leave your door open so the bathroom can air out." And she opened my door then closed hers and that was the absolute end of it all. I wouldnt see her ever again and she had absolutely no desire to see me at all after that.

I felt so crappy and unfortunately the only moral of the story I could learn was if you're gonna do something foolish be darn sure you don't get caught.

25+ years later I still think about it almost every day. 25 years later I have 3 wonderful children and I'm happily divorced yet I still wish I could figure out a way to go back in time and relive that period without getting caught.

Three months ago on a family trip to the beach I was innocently showering in my hotel bathroom. I had a connecting room and I stayed with my kids and my parents were in the connecting room. When I was done with my shower I went into the sink area to dry and I heard my sister, the same one as above, laughing and playing with my children. I heard her say she was going back to her room but instead of exiting from my parents room she came through the connecting doors, and turned down the hallway to exit from my room. Much to my honest surprise I looked up and saw her as she smiled and giggled in an all too similar fashion as she saw my limp penis dangling back and forth as I dried my back. Then she left the bedroom.

And 3 months later I cannot tell you how intense my emotions have remained since then. I know she knew I was in the shower and I want to believe so badly that she walked past me to satisfy a desire to see me naked once more. Despite being married with kids of her own, could she, after 25 or more years feel the same way I do? Is it possible that she finds me more impressive then her own husband? I cannot get the emotion and the feelings out of my head and I don't know what else to do then blindly and facelessly post this message here even though I don't believe this was any type of sexual abuse. I do believe my behavior was coercive. But to have her walk past me that morning has gotten me so emotional and I want to believe so badly that she voluntarily allowed herself to be naked with me. The only thing I did was nudge her into doing it by "accidentally" getting naked that on that vacation. After that we were just having fun and being kids...right?

Both she and I were married and divorced and she has remaried and had children and I love her to this day as my sister but I cannot deny that I want more. I still think about her and pleasure myself recalling those experiences. I would NEVER talk to her about it - or anyone else for that matter, and I try so hard to convince myself if I was just being a stupid kid. But I dont know f its true or not.