terrible depression about sibling sexual exploration.

Hi

I've been lurking on this website for a few days. I finally decided to post because i am literally falling apart. I'm a 24 yo female.
A few days ago my sister told me she was molested by a teenager that used to come to our house when when we were young. He was the child of one of my parents kids. Upon hearing this I became really anxious and scared and I immediately started to fall apart. I fear he molested me too and that I just cannot remember.I feel i was a very hypersexual child..i masterbated often and i even looked up porn at some time during my childhood. I keep picturing the things she told me about that he did to her and it gives me so much anxiety.

Now what makes me feel the absolute worst however, is the fact that I remember that when i was 10 or 9 initiated this game with my brother who was about 5 years younger. I remember I was about 10 or 9 because my mom had given me this book that teaches you about sex. That was the first time I knew that to have sex actually meant a penis touced a vagina. I remember i was fascinated by that. I remember thinking it was too bad that I didnt know any boys. Anyway i eventually asked my little brother if he wanted to play a game where he did stuff to me and i did stuff to him. Whatever we wanted. when that happened he would touch me and I touched him. at one point i laid on top of him. I think we played this game twice and then a third time i just laid on top of him and my sister told on me. I got in trouble. At the time i did not know this was as wrong as it was... and i felt bad. I never ever ever did it again. It makes me sick now. I'm in no way okay with this kind of thing. I remembered all of this a few years ago. but i was able to push it out of my head...however recently when my sister made this revelation to me...this is all I can think about. I'm in no way attracted to children. I'm so sad and ashamed, and scared , and everything.

I cant sleep or eat...and all I do is cry all day long. I dont know what to do. I feel so bad. I would never ever have done this if Id known it was bad. I would never ever ever have done this. I feel so sad and depressed. I sent my brother a text message telling him that i regretted anythiing i did to hurt him when he was younger. i didnt want to be specific in case he did not remember. I told him i was so sorry and that i would take it back if i could. I told him that i felt so bad. I told him I did I never meant to hurt him and that I'm sorry for anything I specifically did to hurt him. He was just like okay. Since my sisters revelation, I kept asking him if he has any scarring memories from his past and if there is anything that he feels bad about. I asked him if he feels like he needs to talk to someone. He said no. he tells me he feels like a normal teenager. He tells me he is okay. I don't believe him so I keep asking him and asking him. He told me that he is irritated that I keep asking him these questions when he's already said no.

I'm not sure if i'm entirely clear on the memories of what happened because i also have OCD and recently stopped taking my anti depressants. I'm not sure whats real sometimes and what my brain has told me.

i really need advice on what to do and how to deal with this. I'm going to talk to my therapist on monday. I'm afraid to tell him this because i am afraid he will look at me differently or will report me. do you know if thats a possibility? is this a common thing? does this mean i belong in prison?

please please please help

To me, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong or immoral whatsoever. Plus you were a very young child. What you're describing sounds like a child's normal sexual experimentation. I also sexually experimented with my sibling when I was a child, I don't think it's that uncommon. It's embarrassing to think about and I hope s/he doesn't remember, but it's not wrong or bad.

-- Sun Aug 18, 2013 6:56 pm --

And you will not be going to prison.

-- Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:40 am --

I hope you feel better!

I did the same thing. Children are curious. My therapist said children do not have the cognitive skills to know what hurts and doesn't as children so we are not accountable for the things we do. Please don't beat yourself up?

Would suggest reading up on American sexology and how incredibly common this all is. That you feel so guilty for something so natural says you're laboring under the impression it's completely bad when it's not. An excerpt from the USA section of a sexology website can get you and others started:

"Sibling Incest. We discuss incest and child sexual abuse more fully later in Section 8A on coercive sex. Here, we merely wish to note that, in one of the few studies of sibling incest with a nonclinical sample, Finkelhor (1980) found that 15 percent of female and 10 percent of male college students reported having a sexual experience with a brother or sister. Approximately 40 percent of these students had been under the age of 8 at the time of the sexual activity, and roughly 50 percent had been between the ages of 8 and 12. Three quarters of the experiences had been heterosexual. Some type of force had been used in one quarter of the experiences. The most common sexual activities were touching and fondling of the genitals. Only 12 percent of the students had ever told anyone about these sexual activities with a brother or a sister. Interestingly, most of the students reported that they did not have either strong positive or negative feelings about these experiences. Positive reactions were reported by 30 percent, and another 30 percent reported negative reactions. Positive reactions were associated with consensual activities (no force had been used) and an age difference of four or fewer years. For males, there were no correlations between prior sibling experiences and current sexual activity. Among females, those who had had sibling sexual experiences were more likely to be currently sexually active. Those women who had positive sibling experiences after age 9 had significantly higher sexual self-esteem, whereas those who had sexual experiences before age 9 with a sibling more than four years older had lower self-esteem."

http://www.sexarchive.info/IES/usa.html#8
"International Encyclopedia of Sexuality"

With 15 and 10 percent occurences in females-males respectively, there are more siblings who engaged in some level of sexual contact than there are gays and lesbians. Very common indeed. If there were as many incest cable tv channels, and incest-themed tv programs as there are gay ones people wouldn't be as guilt-ridden by something statistically even more common.

Hi

That study did report some negative reactions and low self esteem as a result of this behaviour. Just something to point out.

Cracked