I harassed someone.

Here goes.

Four years ago I enrolled in a language course in a different city. I was depressed since several years and was on 100 mg of prozac at the time. I had given both university and a career a shot, but only knew I wanted to learn a language. One of the teachers at the school was someone I became instantly attracted to. I should say that I have quite an easy time learning languages. They just make sense to me and after 7 weeks I was in level C1 according to the common European framework for measuring languages. The teacher and I flirted and at the start of the course, I pretty much stopped eating all-together. With everything happening, I became very chatty and confident(pretty sure this was a hypomanic episode). My confidence was so great that I decided to come off the prozac cold-turkey. At about the same time, the teacher disappeared. I did not understand at the time that the teacher had been fired(I believe that the school assumed that the teacher had been "helping me" - I am quite confident that I never told them this, as I recall conversations with them and remember them saying that the reason I spoke nearly fluently after six weeks was that I "studied all the time"). When stopping the prozac, I fell into a severe depression. After the teacher disapeared I sent her an e-mail asking her if she wanted to go for coffee. When she said no, I told her I was in love with her(This wasn't true). She replied with a kind rejection where she said she had never been interested in me. After the rejection, I went beserk and started bombarding her with e-mails. I wish I could reacall what I wrote but I can't (I have the e-mails in my account but don't think looking would be the wisest thing to do at the moment). I kept sending her e-mails for at least four months. I know that I said something disgusting like "we have a connection" and in the end, I recall telling her how I was doing and what I had for breakfast(I'm pretty sure I never threatened her and that my e-mails didn't contain violent or sexual content).. I didn't send the e-mails in an attempt to hurt her but rather in a series of very confused compulsive acts(I knew what I was doing was wrong, and felt ashamed, but didn't stop). I actually left gifts for her at a post office on one occasion and e-mailed her telling her where she could pick them up. About a month after the teacher was fired, I was very skinny, starved, depressed and confused (tried to go back on the prozac but it didn't help) and so I returned to my hometown, and kept e-mailing her from there. She never replied after her rejection so after a few months I felt like my e-mails were just disapearing into space, like I was writing in my diary.

I have felt extremely confused, guilty(worried that I frightened her) and ashamed in the years following these events. I tried to go back to university but dropped out two years ago. It took me until 1, 5 years ago to understand that she had been fired because the school assumed she was in a relationship with me (We never talked outside of class and I recall conversations with the principal in the last weeks and I don't recall her inquiring about my relationship to this teacher). God knows why but I "returned to the scene of the crime" recently, to study at another school but the police showed up outside the school and I'm pretty sure they informed the new school what had happened four years ago. I believe the teacher informed the police because she thought I had told the school we were in love with each other. I'm pretty sure they just assumed(unless I dicossiated and told them this? But it seems very unlikely to me, given what I remember.). Anyway I left the city after realizing the new school had learned what I'd done and that I was being surveilled by the police(which made it likely she knew I was back in town - if she even lives there).

Since the event, I have isolated myself from other people - feeling like I need to protect them from me (If they knew what I did, I'm sure they'd be afraid of me and I don't want to frighten or hurt anyone.) I have also been hospitalized on one occasion and diagnosed with a disorder on the obsessive-compulsive spectrum. I am also confident that I have ADD.

I understand that I harassed her and that it was wrong but since it's been four years, I'm wondering how to move on from this/make ammends/make sure it doesn't happen again? I wish I could tell her that I'm sorry that I frightened her and that I'm not going to bother her anymore. I feel like I raped her, but intellectually, I'm not sure it's the same thing.

-- Sat Aug 10, 2013 8:28 am --

If I sound delusional, you can tell me, no worries.

-- Mon Aug 12, 2013 2:05 pm --

No thoughts at all?

Oh and I meant 100 mgs of zoloft, not prozac.

Just some general thoughts. Probably nothing very helpful, I'm sorry.

You can't tell her you're sorry. That's another making of unwanted contact. You can live out the "not bothering her any more" by staying out of contact. I think that's a good choice here.

The bigger question seems to be around moving on and making sure it doesn't happen again. Do you have a counsellor or psych that you could talk this through with? Isolating yourself from people may mean that if you do feel this kind of attraction again, that it may be more overwhelming [not less]. Because you have less contact overall. So any connection could have a heightened significance to you. And that will make it harder to do what you know to be right.

But, you've been through this once. And as you say. You knew at the time it wasn't right and were ashamed over it. Having had that experience may make it easier to catch yourself earlier if this were to happen again. And to do the reality check of "is this mutual or one-sided?" If it's mutual, in trying to pace yourself, so that you don't crush a new relationship before it's had a chance to develop. And if it's one-sided, to get support in cutting down contact and keeping your balance.

This will always be a part of your history. But it's not your whole history. It doesn't need to define you. The best way to move on perhaps is to accept it as something that happened, that you've faced up to, and that you don't want to repeat. [And have ideas on avoiding it. Without avoiding people entirely.] OCD and ADD may make all this much harder. Talking it through with a professional may make it easier.

It's actually very self centered and selfish expecting her to understand and forgive you. Because she never did you feel bad. You don't feel bad for what you did, you feel bad she didn't acknowledge you in some way, are now afraid of further rejection. It really is all about you. Talk to a therapist and you will see.

All you really need to do is accept some people will reject you and some will not. I also suspect the so-called flirting back and forth was actually only one sided and you perceived it she was flirting back. Just move on. If u need to be on meds do it. But this is not really what u think it's about.

Thank you for your replies. Thank you for confirming that it wasn't right. A part of me has been in denial thinking it "wasn't that bad." and "how bad was it?". Thank you for helping me come to terms with what I did/what happened.

Maybe I should have been clearer in my post(or else I'm just agreeing with you): I have no intention of contacting this person, nor any desire to do so. I understand that contacting her to ask for forgiveness or to reassure her would be unwanted contact and I do not want to hurt or bother this person any more. It's not something I want to do, intend to do, or think about doing.

Nor do I feel bad because she hasn't forgiven me, that's not an expectation I have or anything I seek to try and acquire. I don't know this person. What I meant was, I hope this hasn't impacted her negatively. I realize it's not likely(I suppose there's the possibility that she was mostly annoyed? What do you think?), but it's still a wish I have. Basically I wish I could undo the harm in some way, take it back, but I can't. Since I can't, I'm hoping that the harm was as minimal as possible. Maybe that's self-defense against the guilt, I don't know.

The strange thing is, I really wasn't that attracted to this person, definitely not in love with her. I knew that at the time which makes the behaviour all the more irrational.

Thank you for your thoughts Ada. Basically I've tried to avoid having it happen again by rejecting people(many people, everyone?) that have tried to come near me since, or that I'm attracted to in in any way, because of shame and in order not to risk bothering/scaring them... The truth is I have absolutely zero idea how to go about creating and maintaining relationships or intimacy(therein lies the problem?)... I don't understand how other people go about doing it, I feel like I can hardly handle eye-contact. I think it has a lot to do with shame and the fact that I was ignored as a child, completely ignored, so whenever someone looks at me for longer than 5 seconds I either become attracted to them or grow anxious. I'm even afraid to hug people.

I am no longer on SSRI's, after failing to come off them for years, and I feel that choosing to switch to a low dose of another anti-depressant has helped me to think more clearly(not depressed?). I think they were the wrong meds for me. I started on them when I was 17 when really what I should have started on were ADD-meds.

I've felt too ashamed of my behaviour to tell my therapist. I think I am going to bring it up with him though, as I'm starting to trust him more.

If nothing else, I've learned what it feels like to feel guilt and shame... Now that I think back, I understand what friends were feeling when they felt horrible about things they'd done.

I truly violated my own code of conduct and wish I could take it back.

-- Sun Aug 18, 2013 7:48 pm --

What if I ruined her life or if it happens again?

Was it just OCD or was it erotomania?