Am I a pedophile?

When I was in grade 7 and 8, I was, to put it honestly, very attracted to kids. I loved their innocence and playfulness...it reminded of how puppies act. So cute, I thought. Those thoughts evolved into dark ones...I imagined marrying one of the kids at that age, and living together in a house by ourselves. I'm being completely honest here, and it pains me greatly to say it.

NOW, after surviving a month of absolute guilt over OCD thoughts about molestation and rape, I'm beginning to have...feelings whenever I see little kids. Like, I don't masturbate to little kids, and I don't actively seek out child pornography or whatever to get that feeling. But whenever I see kids, I get weird sexual thoughts, like "I hope I don't rape them" or "look at that shoulder". But the thing is, I don't want to touch kids, I don't even want to look at them, and I would kill myself before I molest them.

Am I a pedophile? I'm 16 years old.

No dear, you have POCD. Is very common. Look it up and try and get a therapist trained in OCD.

Thanks. I've heard about POCD, and I've been treated for this before. It's just that, in times of crisis, what I've learnt in treatment goes right out of the window...I hope that makes sense.

But the scary thing is, is that while I don't feel any initial attraction to kids when I look at them, I first get thoughts like "I don't want to molest them". THEN, my penis gets a very strange sexual feeling, and THEN I start feeling a mild attraction. It goes away when I get away from the little kids.

But there's a good thing..I had this dream last night. In it, one of the main characters was this little boy in kindergarten, I think. Initially, I didn't like him. I thought he was just another bratty kid. Then I got to know him better. He was in the ridiculously hard IB program, and he was very intelligent. Then I decided, instead of hating him, I should be a good role model to this promising child. And I was, for the rest of my dream. I offered him words of advice and encouragement. I looked out for him in times of danger.

When I woke up, I realized something...I LOVE being a positive role model to kids. I LOVE taking care of them. I do not LOVE them as sexual things. I would never enjoy being attracted to them. I finally had the balls to google some pictures of little kids, and surprise, surprise, I felt nothing!

It is very common to get a response like that to children with POCD. Its called a groinal response. If I was scared enough, I could convince myself I was attracted to trees. That is what is happening here. Children have bodies and genitals...it is normal for most men to get vaguely aroused by that but they dont acknowledge it. Anything vaguely sexual may arouse you. The difference is your predominant natural arousal is towards people your own age. You would know if you fancied kids.
Stop checking for reactions, it makes OCD a lot worse. You should take a look at the Stuckinadoorway OCD support forum.