Did I sexually assault my friend?

I woke up this morning feeling extremely guilty about last night. Here's a little background info, I'm a long-time sufferer of OCD and I usually obsess over my past actions, usually experiencing guilt and remorse in the process. I can't tell whether or not those feelings are legitimate, but my consume me and utterly cripple me.

That's what I've been going through today. I feel extremely guilty because I believe I sexually assaulted my friend.

My friend and I were both heavily intoxicated and making out in his bedroom when he asked me to give him a handjob, so I did until he came. He offered me a handjob, but I felt a little anxious and told him that he didn't have to. We then laid in bed for a bit and I cuddled with him and rubbed myself against him. I remember him being uncomfortable with it, and that he may have whispered "stop."

I felt his penis again and started playing with it, and he seemed very uncomfortable with it, asking me to stop. But for some reason, I didn't. At the time I genuinely wanted to please him and make him happy, but he just wanted us to stop.

So I kept getting physical with him. Sort of humping him and playing with his parts until he angrily got off the bed and slept on the couch. I stopped completely.

I feel guilty because I was sexually abused for years starting at the age of 9. I've been sexually abused my whole life, in fact. And my last incident was a year ago. I feel like a magnet for rape.

Which is why I'm a complete wreck over this. I cried nonstop today because I felt like I abused him. That I turned into the monster that I've been running away from my whole life.

Did I sexually abuse him? "Stop" means stop. I should have stopped when he asked me to, but I don't know why I didn't. Is my friend going to be traumatized? I'm so torn up about this.

You can't control what your friend thinks or feels about this. Stop trying. Get in touch with them, say you'd like to apologise and talk through what happened last night. And then do that in person as soon as you can both manage it [with no intoxicants involved.]

I'm so sorry that it happened. And that it's bringing up such complicated issues for you. That's all so much to have to handle by yourself. [Do you have a therapist you'll be able to work through any of this with?]

Stop does need to mean stop. There's a concept of "enthusiastic consent" and of not having any kind of sexual contact without making sure you've got that. That's worth living by. But given your friend had previously asked for [and received] a handjob, what happened next doesn't make you a monster. An abuser would have followed him to the couch. I can't say it's all OK. It's not my place. I'd say, talk to your friend, apologise, try not to make excuses, and see what he says.

I have lived similar situations with my ex-fianceé and she has also a similar past like you. But sometimes I haven´t said stop, even if I would like to.

I think that it is very important for your relationship but specially for his emotions to talk with him about your emotions, your past, why you did that and I think that it is verry important that you talk with him about rules and that you should talk with a pro about your sexuality.

I´m sorry that you have lived so many terrible things in your past but I´m sure that there is a healthy way out of it.

If the situations were reversed, in public opinion he would've been sexually assaulting you, while you were intoxicated (which makes him completely at fault, even if he's intoxicated). Disregarding someone's wishes about their personal space is violating, and this shouldn't be taken too lightly.

I agree with Ada. I will try to avoid anything triggering, I cannot give the full answer I would like to, there still might be a little bias of my own personal opinion.

WeAreMotionless wrote:I woke up this morning feeling extremely guilty about last night. Here's a little background info, I'm a long-time sufferer of OCD and I usually obsess over my past actions, usually experiencing guilt and remorse in the process. I can't tell whether or not those feelings are legitimate, but my consume me and utterly cripple me.

I feel a lot of guilt and remorse if I feel I have done something wrong (all of the little stuff as well as the big, I try hard to avoid doing anything majorly wrong), it doesn't consume me but I never forget either.

WeAreMotionless wrote:That's what I've been going through today. I feel extremely guilty because I believe I sexually assaulted my friend.

My friend and I were both heavily intoxicated and making out in his bedroom when he asked me to give him a handjob, so I did until he came. He offered me a handjob, but I felt a little anxious and told him that he didn't have to. We then laid in bed for a bit and I cuddled with him and rubbed myself against him. I remember him being uncomfortable with it, and that he may have whispered "stop."

I felt his penis again and started playing with it, and he seemed very uncomfortable with it, asking me to stop. But for some reason, I didn't. At the time I genuinely wanted to please him and make him happy, but he just wanted us to stop.

You should've stopped as soon as you suspected he wasn't happy with it, as soon as you thought he said stop. I can understand the pressure to want to please someone, but if someone doesn't want something then you should never proceed anyway. Just stick with ask "are you ok?" "do you want this?" and a no or stop means that you stop, you can/should also stop if they say yes or don't stop but you feel something is wrong. Check with them, follow instincts.

WeAreMotionless wrote:So I kept getting physical with him. Sort of humping him and playing with his parts until he angrily got off the bed and slept on the couch. I stopped completely.

His anger could be partially because you didn't stop when he asked (i.e. not just sexual abuse persay). I'm basing this on prior experience when someone tries to force themselves on me.

WeAreMotionless wrote:I feel guilty because I was sexually abused for years starting at the age of 9. I've been sexually abused my whole life, in fact. And my last incident was a year ago. I feel like a magnet for rape.

I'm very sorry for everything you have been through and are still going through (a year is recent).

WeAreMotionless wrote:Which is why I'm a complete wreck over this. I cried nonstop today because I felt like I abused him. That I turned into the monster that I've been running away from my whole life.

In my personal opinion, you're not a monster. There must be different degrees of sexual abuse severity. This started off with consensual sex, which puts you in the consensual partner category at least initially. You went a little too far, you have issues, but so do a lot of other people. It was wrong, you accept that, and hopefully, all he felt was a little anger that you didn't stop.

WeAreMotionless wrote:Did I sexually abuse him? "Stop" means stop. I should have stopped when he asked me to, but I don't know why I didn't. Is my friend going to be traumatized? I'm so torn up about this.

I suppose yes, but nothing like the degree of severity and non-consensual that you have experienced in your own life. You made a mistake. Hopefully he'll be understanding because of your past history, when you apologise for this one slip-up.

I hope that things go better between you, don't get torn up, you're not a monster.