So I feel like a horrible person.

Okay so here's a bit about me. I'm male, 19 years old and living in the UK.

I may have been 9 or so when this happened to me. So my parents and I went to visit family in Scotland (which was regular, once a year or so) and I ended up having to share with my cousin, (he was 12 ish) and this was no big deal, we used to do it every year, but this one year things were different.

He convinced me to do sexual things with him, oral sex, finger penetration and kissing. I didn't know what I was doing he called it "tv kissing" and when he'd say to me things like, "if you suck me you'll get a reward" and whatever. So I did, I felt good-ish.

I kind of became obsessed with it. I enjoyed playing with him and looked forward to sleeping in his bed. This only happened the two weeks we were there and I kind of forgot about it. I've not spoke about it with him since it happened and I think it is just a thing we've accepted the fact that we were probably just experimenting.

Fast forward to when I was 11, and yet again I found myself "experimenting" with my best friend who suggested we do it, again, I enjoyed it. A lot. I kind of became very obsessed with the act of "playing" to the point where it was something I masturbated to every night.

Then another thing happened when I was 12-13, this being the thing that hurts me a lot. Me and my sister were sharing a bed because we were moving house at the time and things weren't fully sorted out. So anyway, I remember being very aroused and noticed she was asleep. I was curious about girls bodies having only "done" stuff with boys, so I touched her inappropriately for what was probably about 2-3 minutes and then grabbed her hand sort of made her masturbate me while I was holding her wrist. This happened once, and after it I felt extreme disgust and regret. I mean this was my little sister who was only 9! I don't even know if she was awake, knows what happened, all I know is that she remained limp and appeared to be sleeping at the time. (this becomes relevant later on)

Since then I found myself being very promiscuous in my early teens, sleeping with men twice my age at 14-15 getting a thrill out of it (because I found boys my age boring), showing my body on camera to these men who I now realize were pedophiles and generally being a tease. Some of them were also doing explicit things to minors while I was on cam to them (which I found strange and quite disgusting and I still have pretty intense flashbacks of what I saw)

This all stopped when I was 16 and I turned myself around, I realized that I most definitely was gay and liked boys who were a little older than me, (17-20) and this is where I'm at now. My sexual behavior is normal for a 19 year old. I like guys who're 21+.

So now, I'm writing this because I think my sister knows. She is nearly 16 and we had a big family argument last night. I feel like she hates me and I voiced that, she didn't respond-- then I was talking about "digging stuff up from the past" as I attacked my dad, by bringing things up that he did in his past to my mum in their early relationship (he cheated in their early days, they got passed that and have been happily married for 20 years), then out of no where, my sister blurted out to me "Do you really want to dig things up from the past?" and glared at me. The things which I repressed and moved on from came back and bit me hard. What was mild disgust at the time now feels repulsive. I don't know what I did, why I did it and all I know is that I regret it massively.

I didn't respond and instead continued arguing with my parents. Since then she's been cool with me, but I haven't brought up what she said. I want to, but I'm scared that;

1) she doesn't know so approaching her will make it news to her and then I may lose a sister, whom I love dearly.

2) she tells my parents and they don't understand. (they know I was pretty much pimped out by pedophiles and forgive me for that, they're very liberal) but this is different, this was one of their own harming another.

3) It ruins what life I have put together eventually after years of disgusting actions
.
4) I end up being charged with something I did when I was half asleep, young and clueless as to what I was doing.

I've been thinking about it for hours now and it's chewing me up. I feel lost, hopeless and like a total failure. I'm not that horny teenage boy who would touch anything with a pulse. I'm a grown adult with aspirations, hopes and a future. What should I do? Do you think I should bring it up in private with her and apologize or leave it and hope she meant something different? Every option feels like there is a massive hole at the end ready to swallow me. The regret is killing me.

Please help!

totalregret x

1. I think it might be nice, and very very healing for you both to bring this up in private with your sister. I suspect that was awake when you did this to her but if she had had a big problem with it at the time, she probably would have done something at the time. You don't sound like the sort of person who uses intimidation. However just in case she was asleep and it wasn't the thing she had in mind when she talked about bringing up the past, open the conversation and let her volunteer what it was she wanted to talk about. Once its out on the table you can talk in an adult and rational manner about it and apologise and tell her much guilt you felt about it afterwards.

2. as to the guilt itself - you are not a paedophile. What you did with your sister is probably what the great majority of boys do with their sisters. Young people really do not know what its all about and they do have sexual urges. I think your behaviour is probably actually normal.

3. You sound like someone who has matured well from a past of being used by adult men. You've grown into someone who knows the difference between right and wrong and is willing to follow right behaviour.

If you don't bring it up with your sister, put the incident on the shelf in your memory and do not live in fear that she will embarass you about it. She won't take you to court. I don't think this would get to court let alone get a conviction unless she lied about elements of it and that doesn't sound likely from what you've said. Talking about it with her would bring you closer together and more trusting of each other most likely but not talking about is ok too. You just need to shove your worries aside because i don't think it is warranted.