Hoping to connect with some pd-ers

I have bpd, hpd, and strong straits of npd.
At first, I freaked out and felt like it was a message that I didn't deserve to live. Having sat with it more, I'm having different troubles.
I'll have a thought like, "well, that's selfish" and then think "you only think that because you're selfish, you narcissist. Even thinking about this is narcissistic" and it keeps going on. I keep doing things and thinking things and feeling things that are borderline or histrionic or narcissistic and feel there's nothing I can do that isn't that. I am that, but that's a disorder, which means I'm a disorder.
I feel guilty and sad that I'll probably be an inordinate amount of work to put up with and not a rewarding person to have an equal romantic or friend relationship with--probably a pd thought, but it keeps coming up. I'm inclined to try and dismiss everything I think/feel because it's all pd-ish.
I really would like to hear experiences, stories, advice, from some pd-ers to feel less alone and understand more.
How do you pd-ers out there handle your disorders? Do you ever have this sort of circular thought process? Do you feel bad you have disorders? Do you try to change and, if so, how?
Thank you so much.

That sounds like torture. Have a thought and question it, then question the questioning and on and on it goes.

You are NOT your disorder though. You can have thoughts and let them go, like sand through fingers or wind through trees or whatever. Trees may be a better metaphor. Sometimes the wind (thoughts) are so strong they can push you over, and some can just pass through. Try to let a thought come AND go. Try not to attach much weight to it, just go "oh there it is again" and then the next comes and goes, and so on. Much less thoughts attach to you to weigh you down.

Sorry about the heavily mixed metaphors. One thing I remember reading: If you don't have a story you don't have to live it. Meaning that it may be better to stop making your identity your disorder(s), and just be a person that have some things going on. Then you don't have to reinforce your disorders by identifying yourself with them.

Hope that helps.
J

I'm just wondering if you've been diagnosed with those pd's or if you've self-diagnosed...

One of the things I noticed when I was getting my psychology degree is how many of the different psychiatric disorders to one degree or another seemed to be similar to my own personality. I'm told that's pretty common. I'm actually a fan of the notorious Dr. Thomas Szasz who once described the Manual of Psychiatric Disorders as sort of like a Claims Register where different branches of the mental health profession staked out claims for precious maladies like different miners staked out claims for precious minerals. The reality is there is no such a thing as perfect sanity. Psychiatric disorders are merely a description of a wide variety of emotional, social and in some cases medical
conditions which enough individuals feel they have a problem dealing with to pay mental health professionals to help them do something to change or become better adapted to for their own lives.
As a professional soldier for 20 years I always found it amusing that on psychiatric evaluations they
ask you if you've ever thought about killing somebody for example. Well...uh, yes. That might be an indication of potential problems with somebody in other professions but for military careers it
can be a more serious problem if you haven't ever thought of killing somebody. If you don't see a problem for your own goals in life ...and somebody else doesn't see you as a problem due to your personality profile being dysfunctional for what you're doing...who's really got any actual problem?