Did I molest? Drowning in guilt

Hello

After reading some of the posts on this form about this particular issue, I feel like I needed to put my own thing. To start I've struggled with so much. HOCD, Harm OCD, anxiety, and I am struggling with so much for remorse and guilt over a childhood act which I truthfully did not know any better or had any ideas Of the implications or consequences. Here it goes

When I was maybe 11 or 12, my sister and I only had each other at home. We did not get out much due to strict parents, and we both felt with bullying and neglect from school.

The event that haunts me the most is sometimes how we played. She is a year and a half younger than me but I feel so much at fault for this. Because I feel like I am the one that started. She went with it. But I was worried what was going through her minds. I am scared that I may have abused her. But it was never in my intention to abuse. I would never want to do that I look back on this now and I am punishing myself greatly for it.

Basically we got involved in games that involved kissing, rolling, tickling and touching parts. We were fully clothed while doing it. There was a time when I said let's kiss with tongue and she said no, and I said Don't worry We won't do that. This happened maybe 3 or 4 times, and after the last time I stopped myself right in the middle of play, got up and realized what I had done was really wrong. I just didn't know HOW wrong. I remember grabbing my crucifix saying "Jesus I have sinned, and I will never do it again over and over again." And I never ever did it again. Also we never ever talked about it ever again.

There were times when it popped into my mind and as sorry as I felt about it, all I said to myself was 'we were kids we didn't know what we were doing and maybe some other brothers and sisters have done this too.' Is that accurate? I've read about sibling sexual experimentation and they talk about abuse, but it was never my intention. To be honest I can't even say now what was going through my mind. But if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that I did not mean to force or empower or have any malicious intent whatsoever.

Over the years we grew up with a great brother and sister relationship, we have been able to talk about things, laugh at things, share funny videos and stories, talk about each others relationships, eat out, hanging with friends, all good things. And of course like in all brother sister relationships there is arguing to some degree. Which we would argue over stupid stuff. She can be tough sometimes and has no problem telling me off when she wants to. She clearly is not afraid of me.

I'm almost 25 now, she almost 23. Since then there has been no mention of the incidents and maybe we are brushing it off this kids being kids. But it wasn't until a month ago that the plagues of guilt started coming over me. I am angry at myself for most likely instigating it, I'm obviously embarrassed about it, I am fearful for my sister as I don't want this to affect her in any way, I never ever thought about it then as a young dumb kid, and now I just keep bashing myself saying I do not deserve freedom, I should be in jail, I am worthy of death, I do not deserve to have a happy life, and I am really really struggling to forgive myself for this part of my childhood. If God for bid it ever was brought up, I am prepared to apologize like hell and beg for forgiveness.

I don't want this to plague the rest of my future and I just want to forget about this and not have to tell anybody about it, Family or future spouse. But it's haunting me so greatly that I just can't think of anything else. I wonder why it is bothering me now After almost 13 years. I feel more bad because I feel like I have tried to build this life for myself have tried to be as good of a person as I can be but now that all seems to be in danger because of this incident. I do not want to lose my life. A couple of people I have told this to in confidence have said "Let it go," and "There's no reason why the issue should be brought up. You stay the hell away from it." I can't bring it up to her because I don't want to purge my guilt on her at risk of possibly bringing a painful memories. That would be selfish of me but I need another way to let this go.

If anybody here, can give me good advice or insight, it would be highly appreciated. Thank you

-- Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:15 pm --

I should also mention that I would never become a predator and I would never seek to hurt kids in any way. I am NOT a sex offender. Stories with rape, molestation and sexual abuse make me sick and infuriate me when I hear them. So when I look back and remember this stuff in my childhood, it breaks my heart especially because I would never willingly commit such horrible acts. Can anyone please give me insight?

I think you are in a lot of pain. You feel it is deserved, but I am not sure. You sound like you were experimenting and exploring with a person that happened to be your sister, which does happen (perhaps at an earlier age though).
I will not tell you to just get over it; it's not possible. But you can change the way you think about it. I would recommend therapy for that. It will likely take a lot of time and be rather painful, but likely better than what you are going through right now.
If nothing else, know that life is full of terrible mistakes. If your intention was not malice and if your guilt keeps you from doing anything like it again, guilt has done it's job and you can start looking at yourself from that point on instead of just as the incident.

Hope that helps
J

Hi, i didn't read your whole post. Sorry for my impatience but i've read a few of these stories now of grown men suffering guilt for what they did with their younger siblings when they were still pretty young themselves.

for my part and remembering my own childhood and having experienced some stuff with others, i think you guys have got to forgive yourself and let all this guilt go. I think its coming in some respect from societies current concerns over paedophilia which is when grown men abuse young people.

When kids muck about with each other, its not paedophilia and if both kids are in it to gether and be respected when one says stop, then you shouldn't be feeling guilty about it. Its just normal healthy kids behaviour. Of course i have heard stories where sometimes the bigger kid has not wanted to stop when the other says to and then that is something to feel guilty about but still i can't think of that young kid as being as anywhere near as culpable as an adult still. Do you know what i'm saying.

Kids are immature. Even if they know something is wrong, they don't necessarily have the maturity to process the events properly. So a bad deed is a bad deed but if no one's hurt or fearful where is the bad deed.

If you need to process this stuff further, you should go and talk it over with a therapist. I know from my own experiences with therapists that talking about stuff you feel badly over is very healing. And quite life changing so do yourself a favour.
Best wishes.

It sounds in the realm of normal experimentation. It would be normal to feel some embarrassment now that you are older that it was your sister, but unless there is a lot more than you are telling us your guilt seems excessive and you seem to have problems perhaps accepting your sexuality and guilt over your sexuality, this is quite common in people from repressed religious upbringings. Is your relationship with your sister good now? If so, then really who has been harmed? Your not that young child any more, you are much more responsible, so why hold onto such guilt? As long as you are certain you are never going to mistreat any female in the future, then I say you should be able to have a clean conscience, it was just naive experimentation as a child, if your account to us is accurate. It might help to tell your sister your sorry about what you feel was inappropriate experimentation when you were younger, and if she is like don't worry about it, if she isn't going to hold it against you, then you shouldn't be holding it against yourself. Concentrate on the person your going to be in the future, not some silliness as a child.