i hate myself..im a terrible mom

I have a PD. I am histrionic. I am losing everything and I feel nothing but hatred for myself. My 17s is feeling the repurcussions of my illness and so is my 14d and my 12s.
I made promises to my kids I don't keep. I don't know what I am or who I am. My husband is unNPD.I always buy my kids things to make up for the horrible mother I never wanted to be. In my entire time in motherhood I tried to be a great mom, but in hindsight I was the worst. I think about dying a lot but can't do that to my kids. It also makes no sense since I'm a hypochondriact.
What have I done to this life and the life of my 3 children. Why do I feel soo much pain inside. I have to get better. I have to. My brain seems to reset every day. I forget the day before so to speak. I have an automatic text that I have sent to me everyday reminding me I'm. Not well and to look forward in a positive way. Any other ideas would be greaTly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

First of all, you need to realize that you cannot change the past. What's done is done. From this day foward however, you have the power reclaim your life, and repair and build a better relationship with your children. Get your butt to therapy and work through your issues, even if the only thing driving you is the love for your children. You cannot take care of anyone else if you are not well enough to take care of yourself. Focus on your own recovery, and then down the line you can make the changes necessary for your children.

Yes, you are ill. But now is the time to be the adult. Make the changes, or continue to be unhappy.

If your children are all still alive you obviously did much better at motherhood than some people. It is really a matter of vanity when we think of ourselves as "the worst" person as much as it would be if we thought we were the best person in the world. We all have our strengths and weaknesses in life and everybody is better at some things than somebody else and worse at other things than somebody else. There isn't really anybody we have to compete with. We can only be who we are
and try what we can to improve ourselves in areas we feel need improvement. There is no one best
way to be a parent because what's important or unimportant to your children's future depends on the particular situations they're going to find themselves in as adults. I grew up living with several mothers as a teenager besides my own being for part of my childhood in a foster home and living
with a couple aunts due to some problems my parents had. It turned out to be beneficial to me to get that broadening of my experience I would say in retrospect because it's helped me relating to
lots of people from very different backgrounds. I learned something valuable from everyone I lived with growing up. Even when those I lived with had problems that taught me to avoid those sort of problems in my own life and helped me deal with lots other people with similar problems.

You sound depressed to me, and full of guilt (which is common in depression). I have known some really bad mothers in my time. One of them was shocking, but she got over her severe drug habit and has improved. Don't be trapped in the past but take positive steps to be good in the future, you definitely need some help, so be responsible and make sure you get it. You may also need some help with your parenting skills, being a parent is a life long discipline, even once your kids are grown up, you will still be learning as a parent.

The fact that you question your own parenting means you can't be too bad a mum, because the worst mums that mistreat their kids never think twice about it, and are in complete denial. Your not one of those.

Dear SerenityGranted- I totally here where you are coming from, and I understand what it feels like. I struggle with the same thing, feeling the guilt over not giving my kids what I feel they deserve (I'm bipolar and it is not a pretty sight when I'm in a bad spell). I think you can still give your kids a good experience by using your strengths. Everyone has strengths! I try to make sure that when I'm in a bad spell my husband takes care of the kids, or I just do the minimum, giving them food and letting them watch TV (TV won't kill them, I limit which channels my kids can watch with a passcode =-) And when I'm feeling well I make up for the other times by giving them love and lots of fun experiences. I've learned (mostly) not to hate myself because I give when I can, and when I can't, I reduce exposing them to my "ugly side" as much as I can.

P.S. Every Mom out there fails their kids sometimes: forgets parties, falls back on promises, etc. Even my "perfect" big sister does that. She had 4 kids and found out she just couldn't keep up one day! So don't be too hard on yourself. Set your goals/expectations lower so you don't have too much on your plate. It'll help you in the long run with your health too! =-)

You shouldn't have even had children in the first place if you are not of adequate mental health, please for their sake don't have any more

Try speaking to a therapist and have the childs father go to one as well, or go together