guilty over my past/new mother.

Hello everyone,

I am a 30 year old woman who just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

I will start by telling you when I myself was younger I was sexually abused by my brother who is about 10 years older then me, there was no inserting but i remember it, as a child I would rub objects like knifes etc against my private parts and touch myself in school I was only 6 or 7 at the time.

When I myself grew up, I was around 16 and was babysitting two girls who were around the age i was when i was abused, I was laying in bed with them and i started touching myself and i kind of touched up against one of them, I may have felt her slightly but not under her panties and very briefly, my god I am in so much pain right now as I went through so much when i had my son, I have OCD and have been really stressed with family abuse like verbal abuse and drama and I got really worried I would harm my son, I would never ever do this. I am not the person I was then.

Around that same time i babysat a boy too and on two occasions i played a game where he might have to touch up against me to get a toy, listen it was totally innocent in his eyes, i never touched him and i know he wasnt effected by it or even knew anything was going on and it only happened once or twice but its not an excuse its not right, the main thing i am digusted with myself over is when a baby was on my lap and i felt myself like what the hell! I didnt harm to the baby, I was 13 or 14 at the time. i DID NOT touch the baby inappropriately I would never ever do that.

I am a grown woman now, I have deep regrets but i cant change these things i have done, I went through so much pain weeks of fear I was holding my own child inappropriately thinking im a bad person etc. It got so bad I told my husband everything and i also opened up to my sister, last night we were chatting and she was talking about my mothers sisters who were sexually abused and she said they were raped by there father, i was like omg thats crazy I didnt know it was that serious and she said well its all sexual abuse rape or touching whatever its all the same, this is her knowing how upset i am and having opened up to her a few weeks ago, I dont think she does it purposely but it really upset me and i have not slept. i feel like such a bad person I just wish i could go back in time and never do those things, I really really do. I am so sorry.

New mothers are forgiven all sins. Having children is an act of heroic self-sacrifice for the sake of another that the whole human race owes it's life to so how can anyone not forgive you for anything
you may feel that you've done? If you feel you aren't ready for the responsibilities of parenthood it's
okay for you to let other people take some of that responsibility off your shoulders. Did you know that Cary Grant's mother was a psychiatric patient over in England? All sorts of wonderful people
had eccentric families who had problems of one sort or another. We all get odd thoughts going through our heads now and then. That's something you don't have to feel any sort of guilt about.
If you feel you're guilty of Imagining something bad, just give yourself an imaginary spanking. You
certainly don't sound like a bad person to me.