I think i molested my brother, Feeling suicidal

Hello. to begin, i want to say that english is not my first language, so ill be making a lot of mistakes, i choose this forum because i think it is one of the best ive seen of this kind.This is NOT a troll post.
It all began when i was around 13, at that age i began masturbating and feeling that i might be bisexual.
I was very confused. I have been a very shy person since that time, so it was difficult to find a girl for me.
I started watching child pornography at the age of 14, i remember liking kids of 12 to 14 yrs old, not younger, and i saw a video with boys doing sexual stuff (they wher around 10 to 13) and i liked it, i wanted to know how does it feel to lick a penis, cuz that is what i saw in the video. One night, my brother (6 yrs younger) told me to sleep with him. I waited until he was asleep and i pulled his pants down and licked his penis. That happend twice. it never happend again. I realized that doing that to my little brother was wrong. Although I realized that, sometimes I was still going to his room at night to touch his ​​legs, thinking i was not doing anything wrong. When I touched my brother's legs, I thought about women.
I stoped watching CP at 15 yrs old and stoped touching my brother's legs at the age of 16.
Now i am 17, i get very depressed for thinking about what i did, i dont eat. I told my Therapist, my best friend, and even my mom about what i did and they all tell me that i did not do something wrong, that i was just confused and experimenting, and my brother loves me (He is not showing any signs of remembering anything). I feel like some kind of sub-human, i know i did wrong, i just want to get it out of me and have a healthy, long life with my brother.
I no longer have any urges towards children or my brother. Please give me an advice. Did i molest him? or was i just experimenting with the wrong things?

I'll state this very clearly just so that there is no confusion: your actions were acts of child sexual molestation. I think that you should never touch a child in that way ever again.

With that in mind, it's not important whether or not your acts were child sexual molestation. What's important is how these acts may or may not have negatively affected your brother. If your brother was asleep and doesn't have any memory of these events, then no harm was done and you shouldn't worry too much about it. No harm, no foul.

Committing suicide doesn't really accomplish anything. If anything, your suicide would simply hurt your family, including your brother. My question is, "Why do you feel suicidal?". Are these feelings caused by guilt from molesting your brother or is there more?

Kabuhi wrote: "Why do you feel suicidal?". Are these feelings caused by guilt from molesting your brother or is there more?

I feel suicidal because of guilt, i have nightmares every night, i cant eat, i dont feel comfortable anywhere, i think about it all day long , i just want these feelings to go away but they keep haunting me! I love my brother, i would never do something like this to anybody again! I mean, how would you feel? I bet you would feel rotten just like me. I know i sound selfish talking about killing myself, but i just cant stop feeling like a piece of $#%^! even if there is no real harm, i did what i did and i deserve to be judged, the fact that i am now a different person is irrelevant.
Do i really deserve to live a happy life like everyone else? Will i ever stop feeling like this?
I know its pointless to say what im about to say but... I think I'm in love with the most perfect girl in the world. She is smart and beautiful. But when I try to talk to her, I think about what I did and start to feel unworthy. I really hate myself. So, my question is: "How would you feel?"

-- Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:59 am --

By the way, about my brother, i've asked him several times if he thinks i've done anything weird or bad to him, and he keeps telling me that his only complain is that im a little grumpy sometimes.
I try to be a good brother. No. I try to be his best friend! I just cant ######6 understand what was i thinking when i did all those terrible things! I guess i didnt fully understand that all those things where wrong (Not trying to justify).
I've always been a good person, except for what I did to my brother. People always say something good about me.
writing this is humiliating.
If i decide to live, i promisse all of you that i will never act like the f***ed up teen i was.

Hi Ashamed guy,

I am so sorry you are feeling so miserable. I understand your guilt but I hope you can keep in the front of your mind that these things are in the past, you know you would never do them again and your brother seems to be fine. Committing suicide will not help your brother. It will make him, and others that care for you, feel very, very badly.

I’ll also have to let you know that, to avoid triggering other members, talk of suicide is not allowed here. And, we are not mental health professionals. If you are suicidal, do not post here, please call 1-800-suicide (1-800-784-2433) or, if you are not in the US, contact the suicide prevention hotline in your country.

I really hope you can move past this and live a full, happy life.
Jan

Thank you for replying guys.

I wanted to ask you one last thing:

Telling my story to my mom was incredibly difficult. I just really needed to tell her and it came out to be "ok" for her, Its weird, but she told me that she did something similar when she was a teen. I'm not revealing what she did, but its a lot like what i did.

Another friend of mine told me that he once touched his sister in an inappropriate way while she was sleeping.

This makes me believe that these kinds of things are more common than what people likes to think.

So my question is: is this really that common? do i deserve to be called a child molester?

Thank you for your patience

Sorry for my mistakes, I remind you that English is not my native language.

The fact is that you have done things that shouldn't be and you have to live with it.There is no salvation. But you can help your brother and see a therapist. The question is it common to abuse or traumatize other doesn´t chance anything. It would just show that there are a lot of people who have done really horrible things.

You should seek professional help because of your suicidality and the sexual problems, which you obviously have.

Ok sorry, I got out of context. Just tell me if i deserve to live a normal life please. I didnt mean it was ok to abuse someone, i know it is WRONG.
Thank you.

Ashamed guy wrote:Just tell me if i deserve to live a normal life please.

u dont

So now what guys? What should i do? I'm not kidding

turn urself in