My haunting past

Hello all . I am a 24m who most people find to be kind and considerate, but I have a mistake from when I was 13 that is ruining my life.
So 11 years ago I moved to a new city and made a great friend. His family was pretty wealthy and pretty much let me live there during school and all (disliked going home as a only child ) so I stayed there every night.

I slept on this air mattress in the basement beside my friends room. My friend had a 5 year old brother who got so excited every time i came though the door because I enjoyed playing video games with him and his brother.

one day I was sleeping and he came down in pj's asking if he could lay down and play video games so i said sure. with just legs under the covers. This is where i made the worst mistake of my life, as he was playing i rubbed my penis on his leg for a second. I do not think he noticed he had clothes on and was playing video games which is good (for his sake)

I have never been aroused by children and have never planned on doing anything like this , i just do not understand why i did what i did. i am now living in guilt hell, any kind of advice or hrl would be appreciated, i do not know how much longer i can live with this. thank you for reading

Hi aiden and welcome to the forum.

You seem to have a lot of guilt over a relatively minor incident. From your description, this is something that happened while clothed, happened only once and very briefly and the other person did not appear to even notice. Unless there is something else you didn’t mention, your level of guilt seems really out of proportion compared to what actually happened. If you can’t forgive yourself and move on 11 years after the fact, it sounds like you may have an anxiety or other issue that needs to be addressed. Perhaps you should consider talking to a therapist about your concerns.

Good luck and take care,
Jan

I just want to say thank you Jan and thank you to this website. I will still have to work at forgiving myself and accepting what happened, but getting it off my chest after 11 years has helped immensely.
I want to strive to become a better and more positive person and become closer with God. This site is is a blessing and I will continue to be part of it.
Again thank you so much for the bottom of my heart, i feel like I can actually breathe now.

OMG, the kid will have something entertaining to remember and nothing traumatizing, so why the guilt?

It reminds me of a time when a bunch of us were in a tent and we started showing off our penis to each other and a mom came in to break it up.

It really sounds like you were empathizing with the kid, I am not a psychologist, however it's easy to drop yourself back into the mindset of a little kid when you start to play with them.

No pun intended.

Anyways, don't do it again, and if you do, God is not going to save you, in fact God will probably make it significantly worse. Only an opinion, I am not an ordained minister.

Anyways, empathizing is the wrong word to use, you were probably getting on their level in an attempt to empathize. Feel free to let me know if I am wrong.