Sexually Abused My Little Sister and Was Confronted

Hi,
I'm new to this forum and here because I am going through something very devastating. I haven't spoken with my younger sister since the summer and was feeling like she was avoiding me. Christmas came and went and still nothing. She finally just texted me last night and told me that she had sent me an email.
In this email she talks about how she has being going through all this stuff and talked to a therapist and came to the conclusion that It all comes from me being sexual with her as kids. She went on to say that she felt it was her fault and felt dirty for it but realized it was not her fault but mine. She closed by saying that she hopes I haven't done this to other little girls in the family.

I'm feeling so many things right now.Couldn't sleep or eat and don't know what to do. This all takes place when I was around maybe 12-13 years old and my sister was about 3-4. I am now 33 Years old and my sister 24. That was such a long time ago and growing older I would randomly have these memories of doing sexual things with my sister. But it's not clear, I always felt like it was from a bad dream and never really happened but it did. I don't understand or know what I was thinking but I know I have felt great guilt and disturbed by this but was someone able to be strong enough to somehow move on with my life. The only thing I can conclude is that I was being sexually curious and perverted kid at that age. I can even remember being even younger and play humping with my female cousins who were actually the aggressors and my brother would too.I've read that this is more common than one might think among siblings.Maybe we thought it wasn't a big deal. Of course we never talk about that and I'm thinking we all just want to forget it. I was even always into girls and had girlfriends in elementary school while the other boys were playing sports. Seriously just weird stuff that I just look back and say WTF? Sure I didn't grow up with my dad but nothing really stands out to explain my childhood behavior.
Unfortunately, my little sister was mixed up in this and now apparently she has really been messed up by it and as she put it "Ruined". It hurts me so bad to know my sister is suffering from this. I feel like I am or would be looked at as a Pedophile or Child Molester for something I did when I was so young and not fully aware of what the hell I was doing or damage that was being done.I honestly am afraid for my family to hear about this or anyone because I don't want to be looked at differently.But of course what my sister is feeling is more important. I do know it stopped with my sister and I moved forward into a normal teenage life and then onto a productive adult to where I am now.I can honestly say, I live a pretty good life and have been happy and a strong person.I work,travel and have hobbies. I have no kids but I consider myself a Family Man and take much pride in trying to be a good uncle and godfather too all the kids in my life and could never imagine them going through anything like this.
In my reply I tried to let my sister know that I am not that kid. I don't think the same way and in fact, I don't even know what I was thinking. I told her it wasn't her fault. I was older so by default, the blame is on me. I told her that I would even go with her to her therapist to try to overcome this.Maybe I could figure out why I did these things and maybe prevent it in future generations in my family. I've been all over the internet trying to find answers as to why those things happened. I'm willing to do anything. I haven't heard back form her. I don't know what the next step is. Am I a bad man? Would you label me a sick pedophile for what I did that long ago or question me now for it? I feel like I need to talk to someone else in the family but can't right now
Sorry for the long post but this is so over whelming. I'm open to all thoughts and opinions

I would suggest that a good next step would be going to a therapist of your own, SoLost. They'll be able to talk this through with you in a safe, private and therapeutic environment and help you come to terms with what happened and what needs to happen next.

Where you say "I was older so by default, the blame is on me." There's no "default" involved. It's something that you will need to take responsibility for. Yes, there are reasons for what you did. Yes, you were a child with less understanding of the morality and damage caused. But you are still responsible.

Further, you've been in denial as an adult, when you were fully aware of the issues. They've brought up great guilt and upset. That would have been the right time to talk to someone about what happened and get help for your sister in handling it too. You don't want people to look at you differently, but that is inevitable. And hiding away from it has been making that worse.

For your relationship with your sister, take things at her pace. I'm not clear from what you say if you've apologised for what happened. If not, that is important to do. Without excuses or blame on either side. Just flat out, 'it was wrong and I'm sorry it happened.' And then it's up to her whether you visit her therapist or have further contact with her. For yourself, and your relationship with the rest of your family, I really think therapy is the best way to answer the questions you have about why it happened and how you can help avoid it in future generations.

I only read about half of that because I hate walls of text, but I skipped to the end and I don't think you are a paedophile. Yes, the blame is on you, but that doesn't mean you cannot try to make amends with your sister. Nevertheless, this happened years ago. You must learn to forgive yourself.

Thanks Ada and Mike for your responses.

Ada, I want to clarify that I did not actually tell her "By default because I am older, the blame is on me" I just added that because I feel that is the way it is and would be looked at by society.One thing I remember is her being into it, sometimes initiating it by pointing to my private area and touching me,things like that.Of course I know this is not consent and I want to stress I know this. I think at the time I thought it must be OK because she didn't tell on me, cry or showed me any sign if it bothering her.I haven't told this to her or know that I should but I mention this memory here for a couple of reasons:
1. in regards to my "blame by default" comment. Even if she would initiate things and touch me, I'm not going to sit here and say that it was her fault or blame her.That is NOT what I'm dong.I was the older one and should have known better. The problem is that I was still young myself and didn't know better.
2. I'm concerned if maybe there was someone else doing these things to her, perhaps an adult because she seemed to know what she was doing which at 4 years old, she must have gotten that from somewhere before me.I remember her even having a nickname for the act but I can't remember what. I should mention that we are technically half brother and sister. She has a different mother which divorced our dad when she was just a toddler. and her mom was real promiscuous and always with different guys. Today my ex stepmom has a total of 7 kids from 5 men. To me that's crazy but who am I to judge?

I've never denied being unaware that all this happened, only that I am unaware as to why it happened or what i was thinking while also unable to remember specific details of act for act of what happened.Maybe I subconsciously blocked that out?

Again I was 12 then and I am now 33 years old today. I am not a pedophile or abuser in anyway.I get disgusted and upset just like anyone else when I hear of such things.I've never hit a child.I've never hit a woman. In fact, I have no criminal history what so ever.My struggle is going to be not allowing myself to feel like this monster as an adult while admitting to what I did as a child and I know not everyone will separate the two. So for now, I guess the only person I can answer to is my sister.If she can forgive me and help me to forgive myself then perhaps that's all that matters. She replied to my email and told me that she loves the man I am today and that she doesn't want me out of her life but she just needs time away from me right now.She is also dealing with other things in her life. I don't know if I should just leave it at that or try to talk more about this.

I have a factual problem with your story. I'm assuming she remembered what happened on her own and was confident that it did happen and she was right? And you're saying she was 3 or 4 at the time?

OK, then she sure as hell wasn't 3, which means you weren't 12. 4? Conceivable but unlikely. In either case, 3 and 4 year olds touch in inappropriate ways all the time, but it isn't "initiating" squat.

That would be you interpreting your sister's actions sexually. Which is something child molesters do - interpret children's actions as a come-on or seduction. They feel lust and imagine the child is somehow willfully triggering it.

So, no, I don't think your sister was ever "taught" anything (except by you) or "knew what she was doing." I think that's rationalization and wishful thinking on your part.

I also think - if she remembers clearly and is confident and was right - that she probably was at least 5 or 6 at the time which means you were probably more like at least 14 or 15. Not 12. I'm curious what she says about her age at the time.

And yes, it makes a difference. It''s still possible (if a little naive) to think of a 12 year old as engaging in "play" or "curiosity" - which is how you want to characterize it. For a teenager it's definitely just sex...or in this case molestation. I think you get that, which is why I think you're underestimating how old you were.

But say you were really 12. A 12 year old and a 3 year old are on completely different planets when it comes to understanding sexuality and the consequences of their behavior. You're kind of equating the two - like neitherof you "knew better" at all.

Why am I giving you such a hard time? Is it because I think you're some irredeemable child molester who should be locked up? I don't know. Is it because I think you "ruined" your sister and are the cause of all her adult problems? Highly doubt it - although you never actually said what you did to her or how often.

No, it's because everything you say - and how you say it - is an attempt to let yourself completely off the hook and get us to see you as really an innocent, good guy. Maybe even a victim yourself . Which is exactly the kind of thinking that's so dangerous if you are a pedophile. Actually it's dangerous for anyone.

I did notice in your protestations that you never actually said you weren't attracted to little girls. Which in itself wouldn't make you evil, but does mean that - combined with your gift for rationalization - you might be dangerous and should seek help. But I encourage you to seek help regardless.

Hi SoLost,

Sorry to hear about your situation; how troubling for you and your sister.

If you can, could you share the nature of the acts as you remember them? Were you coercive? Violent? Threatening? Do you know if your memories of what happened match up with what your sister's?

All memory is unreliable, but memories from 3-4 are especially fragile. First step is to have a dialogue with your sister about what you BOTH remember happening, and how you both feel about it; hopefully, she will be open to that. I also agree that you need to see a therapist to talk about what is going on, and for advice about how to support your sister and at the same time protect yourself. Whatever happened, your sister's feelings need to be acknowledged and treated respectfully and sincerely; but you need to know exactly what she is accusing you of and you need to share with her what you remember as well.

I don't subscribe to the belief that all sexual acts between siblings/young people are inherently evil, or bad, or even intentionally abusive. You should not allow your sister's feelings about what happened (and, again, it's pretty important in this case to figure out what DID happen; there is a huge spectrum of possible acts that your vague description could cover) necessarily mark you as a child molester, pedophile, or abuser. Sexual contact between siblings is exceedingly common, and at 12/13 you were also a child when these things took place. Yes, you are responsible for what you did, but you are not as culpable in this situation as an adult would be unless you acted with unusual malice or coercion or violence. We live in a culture that is absolutely hysterical about sexual abuse; therapists, though well-meaning, can do a lot of damage in exploiting fragile memories and urging patients to develop a narrative of lifelong suffering stemming from abuse. So, again, I urge you to seek your own therapy and keep your own safety and mental well-being in mind when taking on your sister's accusations. This is NOT about minimizing what happened or what your sister is feeling; it's about keeping you BOTH safe.

I wish you and your sister all the best,

Sylvie

Hey Angelina4, thanks for your reply. I hope you or anyone reading this allows me to clarify myself and thoroughly and completely read what I have to say before responding back if decided to do so.This is going to be long.

I already established that this did happened. I clearly admitted that.I am not trying to rationalize or justify anything as an adult that I did as an adult or even as a teenager. I am someone that did something very bad to someone I love at one time in my life which was when I was a kid. I am simply giving facts or at least trying to do my best to remember them as it happened so long ago. I am trying to do my best to word things as properly as I can in hopes that I make the situation as clear as possible. That does not mean I am trying to manipulate or convince you or anyone else that I believe it is OK that this happened. It is NOT OK.I do NOT think that I am a perfect man nor would I want anyone to see me that way to be quite honest because it is impossible for anyone to live up to. I do however try my best to be a good man.I have nieces and nephews and even godchildren and love them very much and would do anything within my power to protect them from anything especially things like this and only hope and pray that nothing like this is going on between any of them to have to deal with it as an adult like my sister and I are now.

When I myself was a kid, I was attracted to girls of my same age, even had little girlfriends in elementary school which I made clear in my first post.I'm sure most parents would even find this hard to believe.Other than a kiss, I definitely did not do anything sexual with them or even attempt it. Everyone in my family is aware of this. I do remember my little girlfriend when we were in 2nd grade one time pushing me on the ground and getting on top of me and rubbing her groin against mine. Maybe something was going on in her life at the time to make her do that to me. Moving forward, I was NOT attracted to little kids as I grew into a teenager (7th grade and up). I was not attracted to little kids as an adult in my 20's and I am still not attracted to little kids as a man in my 30's. It bothers me to even have to write that out.We don't know each other on this forum and are anonymous and have no reason to lie to anyone I would think.

I am in fact a victim of things that happened in my childhood but they have had no significant affect on me as an adult which I felt was no reason to mention although I will if you would like to know. It is possible and maybe likely they may have had an effect on this specific situation at the age I was. That does NOT mean that I am trying to make myself out to be the victim for what I did to my sister but that also doesn't mean that I am not disturbed,hurting and confused by it and because I feel these things does NOT mean that I am expecting or seeking out any sympathy either or that my sister will just all of a sudden be OK with everything.

As far as my age at the time, I'm not sure what you have a problem with especially since I'm not very clear about it myself. I could only give an approximate time frame and ages but I was definitely not 14 or 15 and so far based on conversation with my sister, we seem to be on the same page with this.I'm sure she would have stressed otherwise.I only can remember touching under our clothing. I've always understood "Incest"to be actual penetration and intercourse with a relative which I honestly don't remember happening and pretty confident it didn't. Also, I am sure this only happened a few times during one summer vacation in which I would visit from another state through out my childhood to visit my dad,grandmother and other family which would also show that this wasn't a constant occurring thing through months of time and this definitely stopped there and never did this again with her or anyone after. Let me be clear. I DO NOT think that makes the situation any better.I also never said that she "Initiated" anything just because of her age. I agree with you that "It doesn't mean squat" because I am now an adult and able to know that. I was just trying to say that at the time I thought it was safe as she seemed to be aware and allowed it to happen. This is me trying to put myself back into my frame of mind at that age which is hard to do.This is NOT me speaking as an adult. Also, I agree as an adult that she wasn't aware of what she was doing but I disagree with you about her not being able to have learned her behavior elsewhere. It is definitely possible especially when you consider her mom bringing different men around.You wouldn't know this any more than me but is something I think should be looked into.Of course I could be wrong and nonetheless still doesn't change what I've done.

Just so it's known, I have talked to psychologist before. Once after high school and in my mid 20's. I was given many resources to do research on including books on molestation and abuse. I've done extensive research on the subject including incest and siblings exploring sexual curiosity with each other and even parenting books to try to learn as to why these things may be over looked. I was told that I must take responsibility for what I did but not let the guilt ruin my adult life for what I did as a child and this is what they were trying to help me deal with. In college I was even majoring in psychology to try to understand the human mind and help others or at least myself.That is not what I currently do for a living as I had other interests. The only thing that I hadn't done or had the courage to do which I really wanted to do, was bring this up with my sister which is now what is happening because she has more courage than I and brought it up to me.

I don't know how much more clear I can be.What may come off as me "Trying to rationalize" is just me trying to come to terms with all this as I'm sure you can imagine my mind and emotions are all over the place right now.. This is also why I'm hear sharing my story. Maybe someone else can gain something from it. I'm sure there are more people here in my sisters shoes but maybe someone here is in mine as well or maybe both. Also for parents to be aware of these things possibly going on within there children.

You can give me a hard time. I know this is a very delicate subject and bringing this to light,all kinds of emotions will be flying around and accusations might be made or my character as an adult may be questioned but no matter how bad I feel or made to feel, I can not and will not admit to a lifestyle that I do not live. A grown man actively having sexual involvement with little kids is in my opinion the worst scum ever.If what I did at that age and time makes me now at my age a pedophile or child molester, then I must move on to the next step. Whatever the case, as far as I can see now, I only have 4 options:
1.Turn myself in to police and confess that I did these things when I was 12.I don't know how that would play out legally if anything at all.
2. Go into complete denial and/or get way from all my family and go into a deep depression,do drugs,drink and let the guilt eat me alive for the rest of my life.
3.Just kill myself.
4. Admit to what I've done,talk about this and get help and talk to my sister and hope we can help each other get through this.

I'm sure there are people that would think that the former three are my only actual options but I'm trying to work with option 4 for now.

-- Sun Dec 30, 2012 2:16 pm --

Hi sylvievere,

Thanks for your words. Please have a look at my last post which happens to appear right after yours. I think I was typing it out as you left your post.

I am glad you brought up something important that I regrettably left out. I was NOT violent towards my younger sister. I never hit her or threatened her or forced her into doing what we did. I didn't have to because as I mentioned earlier, she was into it (for lack of better words). I think we already established that as an adult now, I know that she didn't know what she was doing. I would have never been violent towards my sister anyway. I was a kid that was afraid of a lot of things so if she would have told me to stop or pushed me away, I would have never done anything. Based on my research about this, I think this is where a lot of her shame comes from because she didn't show any restraint and feels guilty that she wanted it to happen. I'm sure her therapist told her this but I also tried to reassure her that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't know what she was doing.

I feel like I need to stress this again. As an adult I know that even if a kid doesn't fight something and even show interest in it does not mean that he is consciously welcoming it and to take advantage of this is WRONG! A 12 year old kid however, may see this differently which apparently was the case for me. Perhaps it is all subjective. What may be clear for some 12 or 13 year olds may not be so clear for others.

I had a similar experience growing up, so figure i can give you my two cents. My brother was your age. I was a bit older, about 6/7. It happened over a period of time, maybe a year or more? I don't remember too well what went on bc i spent many years trying to block it all out. I felt i had a hatred for my brother as I got older. Randomly one day a few years ago he said he was sorry. I was like "WHAT?!" and he apologized again, I knew what he was apologizing for. after this i was inexplicably filled with more anger. Eventually i realized I was mad at him for acknowledging what i had decided i would never acknowledge to anyone. It took a few years to truly forgive him. I am now 26 and most of my anger has dissipated (it's the shame that remains and prevents me from talking about it). The fact that your sister is willing to talk about it and that you are asking for forgiveness is a good sign. It is true that this happens in families quite often. It happens with children quite often. I think your sister maybe hadn't thought much about how she would feel when you did acknowledge what happened and ask for forgiveness. she is probably still angry, or more angry. But i believe she will forgive you; you must also forgive you. And you may have some anger towards her for bringing it up when you would sooner forget it ever happened. So you must forgive her, too. These things take time so don't fret that she hasn't replied yet. I believe in the long run your relationship will remain intact. It sounds like you have done a lot on your end to process what happened and that is really great. she feels shame and your knowing/telling her she is not responsible is very supportive and mature. she will need time to process how she feels. you are doing all the right things. just giver her time, it's a convoluted and emotional process, i think she will be okay when she gets to the other side.

From your post and from your responses to other posts you seem to be pretty clear on what attitude to take toward your past behavior. Therefore, I am not sure what your intention was for posting here and telling your story. You know what you did and you seem to know how to handle it. So what do you need other people's opinions for? You don't need to answer me. Answer this question for yourself in private and answer it honestly.

Since people often seek answers from the internet, I think this post of yours is quite useful. People like me look around for people like you just so we wouldn't feel alone. I know how you feel, and acknowledging that you might be helping people who have been in your position is quite a relief. It's fascinating how we-- the two of us-- and your sister and mine were the same ages when the same thing happened between the two of us, making it unbelievably relatable. Although I am 16 now(not sexually active), and she is 5, and I'm afraid that I might "ruin" her life because of what I did to her: I kissed her on the lips once, but not the normal smack, like the make-out kind, and I forced her to do it, and I was aware that what I was doing to her was inappropriate and immoral. She's my half sister. We have different moms.
Geez... What a nightmare. I hate what I've done. I feel like a disgusting criminal. I have read that toddlers as young as she was can remember things especially if they were traumatic or anything as worth remembering as such. I'm afraid that she might hate me. I'm a girl and not a homosexual. I love her so much and hate myself. Sometimes, I can't even look at her smile at me. I feel like a monster. And I'm literally crying right now. And I know I sound like I'm fishing for sympathy. And I'm really confused right now because a while ago, I took comfort in accepting that "what I did was wrong and moving on" #######4, but now I can't feel like a victim because I feel condemned because I can't blame people if most of them do condemn me.

Would she forgive me... I'm a terrible sister. And I feel like I'm just trying to cover up my crime by showing her love, playing with her, making her laugh, giving her the things she wants... She's like the best part of my life and I did that to her. And then I say that I love her. I'm unbelievable
. I always say that I'm gonna make it all up to her... But never actually considered confronting her about it until now. When she's old enough to understand, I should tell her about it. Regardless if she remembers or not, if she hates me or not, if she forgives me or not. Meanwhile, I'll continue maling it up to her. And I'll try to ignore if some people might believe that no matter what I do, I'll never change the fact that I molested a helpless child, because I know I never will, or that I deserve to die, because maybe I do. But some people might think otherwise-- I'm not talking about thos
e pro pedophiles or registered and those who are not registered sex offenders, or convicted or non convicted rapists, or those horny cocksuckers... I'm talking about those other people who have problems like these bottled up inside of them and KNOW THAT WHAT THE ###$ THEY DID WAS WRONG AND FEEL LIKE THEY NEED TO DIE BECAUSE THEY FEEL HORRIBLE AND SORRY ABOUT IT but they can't because it tarnishes their image in this society.

We all have flaws... But you can't be proud of this one... No $#%^.

And thank you. Forgive me if one day I might forgive myself, and I hope that my sister would forgive me, too.