I feel sick

Hello,


I'm a 20 years old male with a form of autism and I did some terrible things when I was going through my puberty.

Well, let's start:

I sexually experimented with my cousin when I was 12.
He told me he did this with other children in the neighbourhood, in some weird way I feel abused, But I happily did all those sexual stuff with him.

then at age 12-13, we were at my grandmother's house and I dryhumped my little brother who was around age 5-7 while he was sleeping.
at around the same age, maybe a year older I hugged my niece and I kinda dryhumped her too, she was aged between 5-7.

When I was 15 years old I touched my other cousin's penis(12 years old, I was 15)

Only the sexual stuff with my first cousin happenened multiply times whenever he went to sleep at our grandmother's place.
All the other things happened on 1 occasion.


That was all, I feel sick and don't think I deserve to live a normal and happy life.
I'm trying to feel guilty about it, but I find it hard to do that, I just can't find that emotion.

I'm actually more concerned about how I should explain this to my future girlfriend if she ever found out.


I feel terrible, selfish and sick, I'm not a pedophile in any way and I'm not attracted to men.

I already told half this story (about the cousins) to the people that help me cope with my autism and living on my own.
I'm afraid to tell them the other half of the story, I Don't know what to do.

Too many people on remorse feel bad for things that happened years ago. You have less of a control over your actions when you are at such a young age, and I wouldn't beat yourself up over what happened. You are deserving of a happy life because you have accepted what you did was wrong and you are feeling remorseful. Forgive yourself and move on.