I think I sexually abused someone and now I want to die

*mod note. May trigger; discussion of suicidal thoughts*

A year and a bit ago when I was 17 I went to a party with my boyfriend and some people in the year below so 16/17 yr olds. Anyway I had a lot to drink and was convinced this other guy was my boyfriend and I spent the whole night calling him my boyfriend's name. Because I thought he was my boyfriend I kept trying to undo his trousers and I would take his hand and put it down my pants and now I'm worried I sexually abused him. Anyway I felt awful about it and apologised and I thought that was the end because I had apologised and he said it didn't matter.

But like a few months later one of our mutual friends told me the guy was upset he missed my last day of school because he wanted to punch me. I haven't heard anything about him since I finished school but I saw him when I was home for the holidays recently and I was so terrified he was going to hurt me I just ran away crying. I honestly don't know what to do and every time I think about it I feel so guilty and disgusting I just want to die. I feel like killing myself is the only solution to this problem because I am so terrified that he'll physically beat me up if I see him again or he'll ruin my life by taking me to court and ruining my career of becoming a psychologist and I think the only way he'll be happy is if I was dead because he wants to beat me up.

I don't even know if it counts as sexual abuse but I am just terrified of going home to the same city as him and I don't know how to solve the problem because we haven't spoken since and we're weren't friends before the party either. I'm just hoping he will have forgiven me by now or has stopped wanting to hurt me but I keep getting all these bad thoughts about it and I feel like I deserve to die.

Hiya..

I'm about to log off but I wanted to leave a reply here for you quickly before I did.

I've added a trigger warning to your title, not for the topic or your behaviour - but because your feelings and thoughts are ones that are quite difficult for some people to reflect upon and the trigger warning allows them to decide whether to read on or not.

anyway.. I shall leave you in the much more experienced care of Sprock & co but I do quickly want to say that you absolutely don't deserve to feel as bad about this as you are..
You were so drunk that you thought he was your boyfriend and i would hope that the guy in question understands this now that he's likely much calmer and seeing events through hindsight rather than the emotions of the next morning.
perhaps you could send a message to him to explain how so so so sorry you are over your behaviour that evening.. (?).

Just out of curiosity.. where was your boyfriend throughout the evening at the party?

Oh Christ darling, you didn't sexually abuse the guy, just pissed him off by the sounds of it. You were drunk, its sexual abuse in my book if you're actually aware of what you're doing. You were $#%^ faced and got muddled up. From his point of view you were probably really irritating and probably over apologised... I guess I can get that because you probably felt mortified. From where I'm sitting, its slightly amusing. Not laughing at your expense, but you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I've been far worse when I've been intoxicated. Brush it off and own it. *mod edit*

My boyfriend was at the party so I spent some time with him but then he drank too much and threw up lots and I think he passed out in toilet for a little while which is probably why I thought the other guy was my boyfriend. I know its sounds silly now that's its been posted but the guy wanted to physically hurt me for what I did so I feel like what happened was way more serious for the guy than for me and I feel super guilty now.

I absolutely don't think you deserve to die. I do feel that a drunk person if responsible for their own behaviour if it impacts negatively upon another person (i.e. a drunk person isn't responsible for being abused or taken advantage of, but a drunk driver is responsible if they crash their car into someone, or act sexually towards someone without their consent).

However, I think intent is a good indicator of someone's character. It is very clear that this was a horrible mistake but a mistake. Furthermore, you didn't commit rape... legally it would likely be defined as 'harassment' or sexual assault as absolute worse. Your behaviour wasn't great, obviously, but nor was it life-shatteringly evil.

As for the guy, he seems pissed off rather than traumatised. I think you do owe him an apology. I also think and hope that things can resolve themselves peacefully and that you can both move on. Obviously this is something for you to learn from in terms of seeking explicit consent and maybe limiting your drinking, but I also think it is important for you to keep what happened in perspective.

If you want to read a zine about taking accountability after crossing someone's boundaries or making them sexually uncomfortable, I think this would be appropriate:

http://www.phillyspissed.net/sites/default/files/what%20to%20do%20when%20someone%20tells%20you.pdf

Stay strong and please for the love of God don't kill yourself over this.