I need advices, please...(May Trigger)

by **whatthehell** » Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:25 pm

Hello,
I will describe my relationship with the girl in order to provide all necessary information. I hope it is not going to be too comprehensive, unfortunately I like to write:p I SUSPECT EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS!

Well, I know a lot about a depression because I have been suffering from depression for my entire life. I have depressive character and I have been in a psychiatric hospitals, I wasn't working for last year due to depression, the only thing I was busy with, was visiting doctors of this kind... I have 3 suicidal attempts, two ended up in hospital and were pretty close, the one was totally covered up and never ever anyone heard of it. I lost faith in everything, in people, society, humanitarianism, people goodness, good intentions. I know that killing myself would be very selfish but from the other hand there was no point in living for others - the only thing I wanted to do is to let others help me because I know I was not capable of helping myself by myself. I didn't want to be hypocrite at one point - I feel I need to listen to others who are in better mental condition and I let them navigate my life, I listened to theirs advices and everything as I was considering myself a little sick... However I am very rational, sober thinking person which contemplate all the time about everything:( I had enough of suffering, of craziness combined with extreme sadness! Literally 24 hours per day, 60 minutes per hour, 60 seconds per minute, 100 milliseconds per second. Everything so overwhelming all the time. I think I was very strong at surviving, really... I wanted also to kill myself as I was considering myself as a worthless unit that has nothing to offer. The earlier I would kill myself,the less people would have to overcome this message of my death - I would prevent themselves from knowing me.

Shortly, I can say I experienced a freaking hell, that is hard to express with words. I never experienced anything really nice, even I have cash, opportunities and potential - everywhere I seemed to be the most valuable player, at most of fields, during international studies abroad - my dream I had to quit due to depression. In June I met one girl that changed everything. Since beginning this relation was otherworldly, we understood each other extremely well, even she is very young because 16 years old, she was able to absorb all tough messages! I am young too but already an adult:p I was very careful, I didn't want to invest anywhere my feelings as it could have a bad results. Every time I had more depressive states, I was sharing all my doubts with her and she was always convincing me that she is very right person, we should end up with our #######5 lives and start something new, better for both of us. She was attacking me with extremely beautiful messages, she was extremely sensitive, romantic, she cried during our second meeting when I told her my story... I never covered anything in a front of her, I was perfectly honest with her. Thanks to her, I overcome almost all, if not all depressive symptoms! I had more energy than my friends, I was working on myself, I started to enjoy literally everything, I had a point in my life, it was not so empty anymore, I wanted to live! Even I was able to kill myself, I couldn't do it, as this girl seemed to need me and only me. I understood that just perhaps to experience the HEAVEN, I had to get thorough this unimaginable pain... She even gave a sense to my past where I was suffering! Thanks to her I thought "how lucky I am, I survived to serve this beautiful girl"! The one person was compensating me all the evilness of the whole world! She was very smart, very intelligent, open minded, easy going, directive, beautiful at every point, real goodness, OTHERWORLDLY!

I started to see our relation as the best thing ever. I thought that separated we are just average units but together we are making priceless relationship, just the best relationship! I had a feeling like she feels exactly the same what I feel, sometimes we were looking at each other, smiling, enjoying moments and we were moving our heads horizontal like we were trying to deny that such a beautiful moments and such a beautiful relationship is really taking a place! Everything was going literally perfect, I could not imagine a better girl than her! She was better than my dreams, it was even better than implementing a dreams into reality... After 1,5 month of relation, we started to be in relationship, we were saying how much we love each other, how much we need each other... She said I am the only person that gives her a real happiness, the rest of the world does not count. She never felt something like that to anybody else, she thinks I am the love of her life, I must be... She was promising me eternal love, a great life which we share with each other. She initiated everything, the first conversation, the first so romantic sentences, words, she made me say in her language "i love you". In my life I became more alive, more resourceful, I was doing more constructive things, I was developing myself at many fields, working hard in order to provide her the best version of me. I felt needed, loved, taken care of, secure about this great relationship.

What I didn't mention is that it was only on the Internet... We were meeting each other very intensively, on cams, so it was nearly like we were in a front of each other, however I can imagine it makes this whole situation look quite silly... But rationally, on the Internet people do not even pretend that they aren't assholes, rude morons - most of people do not put any effort in order to cover their flaws. That is why it was even more beautiful, that we are dedicated to overcome this whole distance and everything else in order to start something new together. She was very smart and she said couple of times that waiting 2 years is like nothing because we might have spend whole life with each other. I know, we seemed to act a bit foolishly but the emotions, feelings were completely real. In addition if I wouldn't believe in this relation, then I could have had killed myself back then. It would be a beautiful love story after all, if everything would be always going in a right direction - I would never enter this forum...

The problem is that this girl might have some serious emotional problems. I do not know anything about emotional problems, how it works, how it can be straighten or anything else... This is the point at which I need support. I want to fly to her and meet her personally, as she really became everything for me. My love is truly flawless feeling, I am shocked that the unit like me is capable of loving somebody that much and be so great in relationship - I paid a lot of attention to the details, I was very directive, I let her help myself in order to overcome some of my stupid emotions, I was giving a good advices, I was naturally analyzing our relationship and wondering how we can improve, I used mental tricks in order to make this feeling of love everlasting because I loved loving her, it all made me feel much better. I never let her down, I was remembering her, her contribution into my life. I was telling her that the more somebody matters for you, the more this person can hurt you. It was like she was holding in her hands a loaded gun that is aiming in my open hearth - I trusted that she will never pull the trigger. I wanted her to be with me because it is the only case when she will be treated gently, she will be in a good hands... Even she hurt me, I still love her and I want best for her. I know I could be really awesome partner for her, I might understand she has some external problems that might have influenced her decision... I was to help her fight with those emotions etc...

Theoretically, she might have some emotional problems. This is all a theory... Maybe she is sometimes doing ambivalent things, she might have some inner conflict and she might also have tendencies to make a decision without thinking of consequences. Her behavior should make go away any potential partner of hers but I love her and I want to accept her flaw and help her overcome this. She said several times that she wants to change her lifestyle somehow, start something new with me aside. She wants to leave this whole $#%^... Another time she said that maybe she is not the person I perceive her... but she seemed to want to become the person I perceive her! I have a feeling like she might be on the edge, wondering in which direction she should go... She can choose between being alone, independent, looking for self satisfaction, working only on her own account and have no dreams, no plans for future, just to be independent girl living from a day to day. Sad but this is what is happening right now, she said that she is unhappy:( The second choice is to have a dreams, to have a concrete aim, to be emotionally dependent from another person, to put the prior to the feeling of love and be maintained by this feeling... To invest into this the most important relation to make it pay off some day! I can bet that her best moments of life include people that matter a lot for her! Maybe I was there too...? Furthermore she said that her mom might be right at the point of her strangeness. She admitted she is very strange sometimes and she change from time to time. The best prove is our relationship - it is subnormal that one day she loved me endlessly and another day she wants to abandon everything, all memories all what happened. It is very irrational to reject me as according to her I am beautiful, intelligent, smart, just a dreamy boy - I have damn money, possibilities, a lot of talents, I could do literally everything with this girl aside... I still believe that there is still this "old girl" I fall in love with... Right now she is cold, insensitive, she seems to do not care about me at all, just from time to time I am able to see the same person as before, but very rare. She does not want to give us any chance, it is all past for her, she has no dreams, she does not know what she is going to do in this "fuc**ng life" etc...

Is it possible that she has some serious emotional problems? I want to fly to her and I want to gather some knowledge and get clue what I am dealing with... I am sure about her authentic feelings before and I am quite skeptical if she really wants to reject me (maybe it is due to the positiveness she impacted me with...) By the way, I can say that she had some problems at home, she seemed to be not understood by her parents, her father told her awful things:( They thought of giving her away to children's home! She has a serious restriction at home... This girl has an enormous potential, I do not want it to be just wasted, she was otherworldly, incredible, smart at every point, I do not know what happened, I would never guess that it could have end like it ended! I mean, at least after 2 months of this relation, because before I had tends to think very negatively...

Thank you in advance for helping me, at some point it is matter of life and death, eh:( Maybe it all looks stupid but I have my own system of values and I am really another kind of guy than this world promotes lately... I hated my character, the fact of being over sensitive...

I need advices, please...(May Trigger)