Thread for those in disordered/abusive relationships

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

LondonGuy wrote:last year when she'd overdosed on morphine and/or Tramadol, I pretty much saved her life. Yet she still continued to treat me like I was nothing.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Yeah, about 3 weeks before she dropped the bomb on me, she even woke me up in the middle of the night crying and telling me "I HATE MY BRAIN! I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY! I NEED HELP!"

I wish her well, and I'm very thankful I don't have to deal with her breakdowns anymore. She can continue blaming everyone else on earth for her pain. Maybe eventually one day people will see the pattern instead of just assuming she's telling the truth. Maybe in her mind she IS telling the truth. What a mess lol. After the switch flipped in her head, she severed as many ties with me as she possibly could. Now that I had magically become the worst person on earth, she had to erase me from her life and protect herself from this horrible man who carried her lazy a$$ and tolerated it for nearly a decade. She got what she wanted. And good riddance!

When you speak of her dropping "the bomb" on you, may I ask what you are referring to specifically? Feel free to tell me to mind my own business. I too am glad that I no longer have to deal with her breakdowns. She has to be the most emotionally-unstable person I've ever met and I pity any children she may one day have.

They are very good at turning things around on us. Making us feel like we're not attentive enough. Not generous enough. Not appreciative enough. Deep down they know that they're the screwed-up one but want to see how far they can push us before we snap/leave. Then they'll tell anyone who wants to listen that we're the Devil incarnate. I feel for you having to deal with your ex for almost 10 years, I only had to deal with mine for 3 years and that was more than enough.

Dropping the bomb on me

A.k.a. Taking my kids from our home one night and driving over an hour away to move in with her parents and 10 days later she filed for divorce in the other county. You said it perfectly. "devil incarnate".... that's certainly how it felt. She lied her a$$ off. It actually worked in court. I love my kids more than anything and would have done anything for her. She is delusional. Not my problem anymore. Sucks for the kids. I fought for them but her smear campaign was just too much... The custody evaluator wouldn't even look at my evidence. Then the judge basically threatened me with supervised visits with my kids if I didn't give up legal custody. She made it clear to everyone that she hates my guts, that I was controlling and abusive and scary and on and on and on.... So be it. I was forced to give up. God knows the truth. I'm very thankful she set me free. Sucks for the kids.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:Dropping the bomb on me

A.k.a. Taking my kids from our home one night and driving over an hour away to move in with her parents and 10 days later she filed for divorce in the other county. You said it perfectly. "devil incarnate".... that's certainly how it felt. She lied her a$$ off. It actually worked in court. I love my kids more than anything and would have done anything for her. She is delusional. Not my problem anymore. Sucks for the kids. I fought for them but her smear campaign was just too much... The custody evaluator wouldn't even look at my evidence. Then the judge basically threatened me with supervised visits with my kids if I didn't give up legal custody. She made it clear to everyone that she hates my guts, that I was controlling and abusive and scary and on and on and on.... So be it. I was forced to give up. God knows the truth. I'm very thankful she set me free. Sucks for the kids.

I can only try to imagine what that's like for you, ridingthewtfbus. It must be both sad and annoying for the courts to often favour the mothers over the fathers. For your ex-wife to portray you as such a controlling and abusive man, not only to your face, but also to others in a court of law must be both frustrating and infuriating. When my ex let rip at me calling me every name under the sun I could usually deal with it, but when she said it to other people about me of course other people are going to believe her. They're her friends. They know her better than they know me and it's hard to defend myself. I know that's a lot different to in a court of law but for the court evaluator to not even consider your evidence is pretty damn disgraceful. It makes a mockery of the justice system. I'm from England and our justice system here is a farce. I know this may sound like just a glimmer of hope but keep your faith in God, as you've already mentioned, but also in karma. One day she'll get her just desserts. I wouldn't be surprised if she one day faces up to to reality and realises that you were the best thing she ever had relationship-wise. I'm not just saying that to try and make you feel better, but to make you realise that life has this beautiful habit of restoring balance. Your ex sounds toxic from what you say and I don't think you'd be on a forum like this unless you wanted to express your feelings so that just goes to show you deserve a heck of a lot better. Like you, I feel sorry for your children. I just hope that they don't pick up on what their mother is like.

LondonGuy wrote:life has this beautiful habit of restoring balance.

Thanks LondonGuy, all I can do is let my children know how much I love them and that I'd do anything for them. When I have them I tell them I love them about 50 times a day. Unfortunately she won't let me see them during her parenting time other than via the court-ordered 15 minutes per week worth of web cam time. She's racking up bad karma points for that, on top of her outrageous smear campaign against me. I never did anything to deserve the way she has treated me.

The real deadbeat parent is the mother who won't let her children see their loving father. But she holds a lot of pain and misery in her heart, and she has gone through life blaming others for that pain. Several years ago she told me she regretted having children. I hope she doesn't eventually split the children black because they remind her of their father, or try to alienate me. Regardless, they will always have me. And I pity her when the money dries up. When I found her she was living in someone's basement surrounded by empty liquor bottles. That was definitely a red flag I chose to overlook. I saw what I wanted to see in her. I fell in love with someone who didn't actually exist. But I know it's because my children with her were meant to be. I trust in God's plan for our lives.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

LondonGuy wrote:life has this beautiful habit of restoring balance.

Thanks LondonGuy, all I can do is let my children know how much I love them and that I'd do anything for them. When I have them I tell them I love them about 50 times a day. Unfortunately she won't let me see them during her parenting time other than via the court-ordered 15 minutes per week worth of web cam time. She's racking up bad karma points for that, on top of her outrageous smear campaign against me. I never did anything to deserve the way she has treated me.

The real deadbeat parent is the mother who won't let her children see their loving father. But she holds a lot of pain and misery in her heart, and she has gone through life blaming others for that pain. Several years ago she told me she regretted having children. I hope she doesn't eventually split the children black because they remind her of their father, or try to alienate me. Regardless, they will always have me. And I pity her when the money dries up. When I found her she was living in someone's basement surrounded by empty liquor bottles. That was definitely a red flag I chose to overlook. I saw what I wanted to see in her. I fell in love with someone who didn't actually exist. But I know it's because my children with her were meant to be. I trust in God's plan for our lives.

It's sad that it seems to be becoming more and more common for fathers. I think it's because women seem to be the weaker sex that men get portrayed as these domineering figures who are more emotionally-ignorant. That's simply not the case with most men but try telling that to the justice system. From what you're telling me, you're doing a fantastic job and it doesn't sound like you could really do any more. Please remember, even when times get tough and you feel that the world is against you, that karma will one day strike and she'll be left begging for mercy - and that day will be when she least expects it.

I don't know what she's like as a mother but I wonder if she's against you seeing your children more often because she's perhaps jealous of the relationship your kids have with you? Maybe she feels inadequate as a mother and deep down sees that you're a better parent than her. Of course she won't let you know that because she'll think that you've got one up on her, but it's something worth thinking about, especially as she said that she regretted having children. You're right, God does have a plan, and that's helped me a lot in how I view life nowadays. It gives me some inner peace. Like you, when I met my ex I knew she was likely to be messed up due to her foster care background but I ignored that and fell in love. If only I'd listened to my head instead of my heart.

sounds like you're going through some hard times. my heart goes out to you.

LondonGuy wrote:It's sad that it seems to be becoming more and more common for fathers. I think it's because women seem to be the weaker sex that men get portrayed as these domineering figures who are more emotionally-ignorant. That's simply not the case with most men but try telling that to the justice system.

Agreed. The family court I dealt with convinced me that the system is a total joke, mostly because the power has gone directly to their heads and due process is obviously a thing of the past. Apparently a woman fighting for her children is seen as heroic, but a man fighting for his children is minimized at the very least, and at worst seen as being driven by some disturbing motive. I got completely screwed. And no one can or is willing explain to me exactly how it happened. From their perspective, the mother completely hates the father and claims he's controlling, so his attempts to persuade the custody investigator with all this annoying evidence only proves her point, so why even bother looking at all of it? Just strip the father of his parental rights and bully him with threats of more severe punishment until he folds. There, we've maximized funds from one side to the other, which helps pad our budget for next year..... It's just completely ridiculous. There should be a law against allowing one parent to take the kids and relocate to another city during divorce proceedings. You 2 had children in Town A, so the children must stay in Town A. Screwing over the unsuspecting parent and their relationship with the kids like that should be a crime in itself!

LondonGuy wrote:From what you're telling me, you're doing a fantastic job and it doesn't sound like you could really do any more.

Amen. I'm trying to keep it together as long as I can. It sucks right now but I know it won't be like this forever. Worst case is they will be brainwashed against me until they "wake up". I've read it could take decades. But at least it's not forever.

LondonGuy wrote:Please remember, even when times get tough and you feel that the world is against you, that karma will one day strike and she'll be left begging for mercy - and that day will be when she least expects it.

I can only hope so, and I just hope the kids aren't around her when it hits.

LondonGuy wrote:I don't know what she's like as a mother but I wonder if she's against you seeing your children more often because she's perhaps jealous of the relationship your kids have with you? Maybe she feels inadequate as a mother and deep down sees that you're a better parent than her. Of course she won't let you know that because she'll think that you've got one up on her, but it's something worth thinking about, especially as she said that she regretted having children.

Alcoholic, lazy, poor hygiene, easily frustrated..... I could go on and on. I know deep down she feels inadequate about a lot of things, choices in her life, etc. She seems to think she can outrun those problems simply by blaming whoever she's with and then pretending they don't exist. It's very sad. She's completely lost.

LondonGuy wrote:You're right, God does have a plan, and that's helped me a lot in how I view life nowadays. It gives me some inner peace. Like you, when I met my ex I knew she was likely to be messed up due to her foster care background but I ignored that and fell in love. If only I'd listened to my head instead of my heart.

Agreed. After this whole experience I went ahead and got a vasectomy. Never again will I let another human being ###$ with my kids' lives like this.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

LondonGuy wrote:It's sad that it seems to be becoming more and more common for fathers. I think it's because women seem to be the weaker sex that men get portrayed as these domineering figures who are more emotionally-ignorant. That's simply not the case with most men but try telling that to the justice system.

Agreed. The family court I dealt with convinced me that the system is a total joke, mostly because the power has gone directly to their heads and due process is obviously a thing of the past. Apparently a woman fighting for her children is seen as heroic, but a man fighting for his children is minimized at the very least, and at worst seen as being driven by some disturbing motive. I got completely screwed. And no one can or is willing explain to me exactly how it happened. From their perspective, the mother completely hates the father and claims he's controlling, so his attempts to persuade the custody investigator with all this annoying evidence only proves her point, so why even bother looking at all of it? Just strip the father of his parental rights and bully him with threats of more severe punishment until he folds. There, we've maximized funds from one side to the other, which helps pad our budget for next year..... It's just completely ridiculous. There should be a law against allowing one parent to take the kids and relocate to another city during divorce proceedings. You 2 had children in Town A, so the children must stay in Town A. Screwing over the unsuspecting parent and their relationship with the kids like that should be a crime in itself!

LondonGuy wrote:From what you're telling me, you're doing a fantastic job and it doesn't sound like you could really do any more.

Amen. I'm trying to keep it together as long as I can. It sucks right now but I know it won't be like this forever. Worst case is they will be brainwashed against me until they "wake up". I've read it could take decades. But at least it's not forever.

LondonGuy wrote:Please remember, even when times get tough and you feel that the world is against you, that karma will one day strike and she'll be left begging for mercy - and that day will be when she least expects it.

I can only hope so, and I just hope the kids aren't around her when it hits.

LondonGuy wrote:I don't know what she's like as a mother but I wonder if she's against you seeing your children more often because she's perhaps jealous of the relationship your kids have with you? Maybe she feels inadequate as a mother and deep down sees that you're a better parent than her. Of course she won't let you know that because she'll think that you've got one up on her, but it's something worth thinking about, especially as she said that she regretted having children.

Alcoholic, lazy, poor hygiene, easily frustrated..... I could go on and on. I know deep down she feels inadequate about a lot of things, choices in her life, etc. She seems to think she can outrun those problems simply by blaming whoever she's with and then pretending they don't exist. It's very sad. She's completely lost.

LondonGuy wrote:You're right, God does have a plan, and that's helped me a lot in how I view life nowadays. It gives me some inner peace. Like you, when I met my ex I knew she was likely to be messed up due to her foster care background but I ignored that and fell in love. If only I'd listened to my head instead of my heart.

Agreed. After this whole experience I went ahead and got a vasectomy. Never again will I let another human being ###$ with my kids' lives like this.

It seems that her battle for control, in this case keeping hold of the children, is more deep-rooted. Maybe she's scared deep down that she'll one day lose them to you. That they'll one day be old enough to make their own minds up. That they'll one day see what she did to them by screwing you over and turn their backs on her. Sure I don't know her as a person but if she's anything like my ex, then the battle for control is something that drives them. My ex is quite simply damaged. That's the first word that comes to mind when I think of her. She had an unstable upbringing and feels that the people who should have been there for her no matter what, left her. She doesn't want this to continue happening so she goes about destroying things and ending the relationship with me before I become another person to leave her. I'm no psychiatrist, but I have a feeling she has borderline personality disorder. She was very controlling in our relationship despite the fact I was older than her and now I see why. I think it's quite possible that your ex still loves you but won't admit it to you because in her eyes she sees it as letting down her guard. So she goes about ruining things for you to try and come across as the dominant one, not the emotionally-unstable woman she quite possibly is. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if she loves you more than she's ever loved anyone but is determined to sacrifice that by trying to hurt you. The human mind is complex, especially certain females'.

My ex messaged me earlier saying that her new boyfriend had given her an STI. Why on earth, I ask myself, would she tell me that, her ex boyfriend? Then I remembered that I was one of the only people who has ever treated her well and given her a decent life. She thinks that she can message me and all is forgotten. That I will be there to say "There, there, everything will be alright." Why would she contact me, her ex boyfriend, unless she still has feelings for me. Not that long ago she was telling me that he'd also been flirting with another girl behind her back. It seems that karma is working its magic quicker than I thought it would.

Whether your ex paints you as the bad guy to your kids or not, they'll one day be old enough to find out for themselves. You sound like a hugely loving father who would do anything for his kids and they'll see that and realise that their mother was wrong. Keep that in mind and see for yourself that one day karma will serve her for the times she treated you unfairly.

LondonGuy wrote:Whether your ex paints you as the bad guy to your kids or not, they'll one day be old enough to find out for themselves. You sound like a hugely loving father who would do anything for his kids and they'll see that and realise that their mother was wrong. Keep that in mind and see for yourself that one day karma will serve her for the times she treated you unfairly.

LondonGuy,

I just wanted to say thank you very much for your words of encouragement. You are spot on with how I feel about the situation, and I really really hope you're right that karma will come back to haunt her later in life. I know I need to let go of my bitterness and resentment for her, and I hope to eventually reach the point where I no longer wish her ill will, however I also know she completely deserves to suffer some heavy retribution for what she's done.

I also hope my story has helped you in some way, if anything to let you know that you're not alone in the pain you felt while falling in and out of love with a disordered individual. I read a post on here somewhere that basically says they are hollow people with gaping bottomless holes in their personality. They are suffering and will continue to suffer from the disorder, especially if they never realize they are the source of why their relationships never last. So from that perspective, even though it feels like we temporarily got the $hitty end of the stick, the truth is they will suffer the rest of their lives.

God bless you and I hope you find someone that treats you like you deserve.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

LondonGuy wrote:Whether your ex paints you as the bad guy to your kids or not, they'll one day be old enough to find out for themselves. You sound like a hugely loving father who would do anything for his kids and they'll see that and realise that their mother was wrong. Keep that in mind and see for yourself that one day karma will serve her for the times she treated you unfairly.

LondonGuy,

I just wanted to say thank you very much for your words of encouragement. You are spot on with how I feel about the situation, and I really really hope you're right that karma will come back to haunt her later in life. I know I need to let go of my bitterness and resentment for her, and I hope to eventually reach the point where I no longer wish her ill will, however I also know she completely deserves to suffer some heavy retribution for what she's done.

I also hope my story has helped you in some way, if anything to let you know that you're not alone in the pain you felt while falling in and out of love with a disordered individual. I read a post on here somewhere that basically says they are hollow people with gaping bottomless holes in their personality. They are suffering and will continue to suffer from the disorder, especially if they never realize they are the source of why their relationships never last. So from that perspective, even though it feels like we temporarily got the $hitty end of the stick, the truth is they will suffer the rest of their lives.

God bless you and I hope you find someone that treats you like you deserve.

You're more than welcome. Even though we've got different cirumstances, we experience some of the same emotions for our ex's. Me and my ex have been apart for over 10 months now and I'm finally at a stage where I don't even want her back. I probably would have done pretty much anything to be back with her because I let my emotional side overrule my rational side. Now I see her for the cheating, lying, abusive and controlling drug-taker she is. She will never be able to maintain a stable relationship because the problem lies within her. I know that one day she will ask for me back, call it a hunch, but the ultimate payback for me would be to reject her and let her suffer her karma all alone. What you say is interesting. Even though she is your kids' mother, you don't wish her ill will. I hope to reach that point too, where I feel no love and no hate, just pure indifference. That would be the ultimate.

You have helped me, even though there's billions of people on this planet when you're hurting or angry you feel like you're the only one. You sound like a good man and even though bad things can happen to good people, life has taught me that things turn out good in the end. I know that may sound a little fairytale-ish but I've seen it time and time again. I agree with what you read totally. I would hate to be inside my ex's head, the emptiness she must experience each and every single day must be awful. I can't think of anything worse than being dead inside. I would rather feel intense emotional pain than feel like an empty vessel.

Thank you ridingthewtfbus, I appreciate your kind words. I too hope you find someone who will treat and respect you the way you deserve to be.