Trying to help, and understand, my girlfriend

Ive been dating my girlfriend off and on since June of 2003, and I still dont understand her. Right now we are off, mostly because she moved to DC, and I live in Jersey, and niether of us have been able to drive the 3 hours since October. My reasons were I had to take care of my mother, and hers are because doing the 3 hour drive takes a lot out of her, and really destabalizes her. Plus the fact that she went back to school this Monday, and she was mentally preparing herself to go back. This is the 3rd time weve taken a break.

Now, I know she is bi-polar, manic depressive, has a VERY low self image, and is sometimes self destructive. A large part of our problem is that we fight, a lot. To me, it seems like she does start most of the fights, and she gets more pissed when I make it seem like its her fault. Now, Im not saying she starts all the fights, but she does start at least half, and I know that I have started fights, so its not just her fault we fight.

Most of what we fight about were things that she has problems with, and things that happened in our past when we started dating. I have intimacy problems, and for the longest time I denied the fact that I fell in love with her when we first met, and I didnt do much to show my affection for her (when she lived in Jersey, we were half an hour apart from one another, and I always drove to see her, so in my mind I rationalized that if I didnt care for her, I wouldnt do the drive, and I told her that) and she would bring that up a lot, and tell me how much it bothered her. I know how much it bothered her, and I apologized after our first break, and explained how I felt, and pretty much opened up to her. A lot of the reason why I finally opened up to her, is because I really realized how much she really does mean to me, and that I really do love her.

Some of the other reasons we fight is that because of things that have happened in the past, she doesnt like pornography, and feels that ANYONE that looks at pornography, is a pervert. She knows it isnt true, but she feels like they are, and thats what her reaction is, and she knows she shouldnt. She also feels that I view her as just a sexual object, because I sometimes like being a little kinky, even though Ive stopped being extreme (asking her to dress up in outfits and try different things, nothing too extreme, in my opinion) and started being sexual in a more respectable way, but she refuses to let me forget how I was. She also brings up things from my past, that I did before meeting her, and she is relentless about bringing them up as well.

Other things that I know Ive started fights over, were things that she did in the past while we were dating, that I usually bring up when she brings up sore spots. We both sort of go at each other, without holding back. Lately, Ive started just taking a different approach, and apologizing about things, and telling her that its in the past, and theres nothing I can do about it now, but I tried to change it then, or make it right, and just rolling over and trying to get her to calm down about it.

She also feels that some of my reactions, are not appropriate to what she may say or do, and that I dont understand her at all. I think that I do understand her to a certain extent, but she doesnt. Now, I think a large part of that, is that I dont humor her any more. Mainly, I dont tell her what she wants to hear, just because shes sensitive about it. I try to tell her the truth, regardless whether or not she will like it, and that pisses her off more.

What I want to know is, how do I better understand her, and what shes going through, without asking her whats wrong (she absolutely HATES when ANYONE asks her whats wrong) and be a lil more understanding with whatever is bothering her, especially the things that she brings up in the past. I know that I have to do some changing, and reevaluate some of the reactions that I take, but how do I go about doing that, without compromising who I am.

I want to understand what shes going through, and what shes feeling, but sometimes its hard to do that. I know that we both need to go to therapy together, and discuss everything with her psychiatrist (she is medicated by her psychologist, and both her psychiatrist and psychologist keep in very close touch) but I can only make it down on weekends, and whenever Ive gone down, shes forgotten to make an appointment. Now, originally I had been against going to therapy, mostly because Ive gone, and it had no effect on me, but I understand that if we both went, it may still not have any effect on me, but it would have a positive effect on us, as a couple.

Other than therapy, what can I do on my own, to try and understand everything? I want this relationship to succeed and work out, because I love her very much, and I know she loves me as well. Right now we talk almost every day, nothing too extensive, because I want her to concentrate on school, and putting her energy towards that, because she has a hard time being away from home, and doesnt feel adequate enough to be at the college she is going to (shes at St Johns, so its a pretty brainy college, reading all the great books) so Im not expecting us to get back together right away, but I want to be able to show her that Ive been doing what I can to make things easier for us during our time apart.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. It's really difficult for those that love the troubled people amongst us.

I don't really know what to tell you. It seems you're doing so much right and so much good already.

I suffer from BPD and see some of my behaviours in what you have described. eg. the clinging and distancing, never accepting that I am loved, I test, test and test my relationships to see if I am loved enough, if people will go the extra mile to prove I'm worthy.

The fighting and never taking responsibility, making my partner feel like its his fault. He also ends up apologising to me when it was me that started the fights. I twist a fight so much sometimes neither of us know which way is up.

All I can tell you is what works for me. My fiance has never given up on me, he is always there when I need him, he won't allow me to walk all over him and has learned to recognise when I'm pushing for an arguement and refuses to indulge it. He can calmly tell me we aren't going to fight and ask me what's really wrong. He has the patience of a saint with me and he constantly reassures me that he loves me, everyday, all day if needed.

You seem to be doing all the right things short of offering to up and move to her (which I as a BPD would expect, wrongly).

She is lucky she has you and to be honest I think I'd have given up and run a mile by now if I were you. The biggest problem is that you can't fix someone else and altering your behaviour and working as hard as you do for her will all be wasted if she isn't willing to help you to make a better stronger relationship. It really does take two.


Karma.
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My husband is BP and I can definitely sympathize with you! I can also suggest in addition to what angelkarmachic says, to get a book called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder". It helps you understand thier behavior so you can be supportive, and helps you know when what is going on is due to the illness. Another good book I would like to get for myself is the "Bipolar Disorder Survival Manual".

It is a very hard road to love someone with this disorder. Do lots of homework and educate yourself, and most importantly, be patient and kind. You seem to have modified your behavior in the right direction. Another thing that is very important is to avoid arguments with your partner whenever possible, even when they want to fight. Unfortunalely, we "normal" ones have to be more stable and understanding sometines than seems humanly possible.

Also, there are supportive people on this board. You can always come here to vent or ask questions, and there are a few other BP support boards I have found. One of the nicest ones other than this one is based out of the UK...It's called BiPolarAware Bipolar Disorder forums.

good luck to you and hang in there