Never in Relationship -- Any Insights?

Hello,

Can anyone give any insights?

I'm 36 1/2 years old and my problem is that I haven't ever really had a girlfriend. I've had about 8 or 9 "flings" in the past, however (I define a fling as a brief relationship which includes sex). So, for the last couple of years, I really worked on myself and said a lot of affirmations for self-love and, more recently, to bring a healthy relationship into my life.

I've also had ongoing problems with not being able to ejaculate with a woman, a problem I'm doing my best to rectify (recently abstained from masturbation -- I know this has worked to bring me quicker to orgasm in the past -- I've quit for 2 wks now and am planning on going for a month at least to "recover" from, what I believe could be, an exhausted glandular/hormonal system/lack of sensitivity to the genitals (yes, I have gone into the RE {retarded ejaculation} section of this forum and am educating myself as to this problem).

I'm single yet I really believe that I CAN be in a healthy relationship. I've dated lots but when they have been really available, I've shied away in the past (if they were my friend and then wanted sex, I never went there). I went for the ones that weren't completely available for a myriad of reasons: substance problems, self-esteem/abuse issues, or just not nice and treating me poorly. Perhaps the RE had left me with some subconcious imprints that wired me to "failure" with women.

So, it is my resolve to choose a great lady to be with (and if she initiates contact that's OK too but I don't want to always be as shy as I am). When I meet someone who looks like she might be a match, I tend to get nervous and have a really hard time introducing myself and "being myself." It's gotten better over the years but I really have to stop myself trying to impress her or be funny, etc...

Most of the time, I wait to be approached but I know that this significantly cuts the odds way down of meeting someone special. I need to work up the nerve to talk to some nice woman. There must be a way of getting some practice in. I don't know what to do. I live in a small town of about 20K and the number of interesting clubs and associations is limited. I work at home and I'm getting frustrated. I don't want to date from a computer service either.

I do have lots of friends, however, and they do introduce me to some single women at times.

There is one woman I've been "hanging out with" for a few months on occasion but she's busy often and I don't know what she wants from me, if she's interested in more than friends or not. Also, I don't find myself to ultimately "have the hots for her" although I think she's gorgeous, she's much, much shorter than I am and I think she has problems feeling comfortable in her body (perhaps cultural/family conditioning). So, I don't feel any significant primal urges with her.

There must be a way to meet more women without going to the bars or getting on line to do so.

Any ideas?

I think I'm a good guy who will make a really good boyfriend to a nice women. I'm tall, good looking, intelligent, talented, well-read/spoken, financially stable and very kind and loving. What more can I be or do?

I think it's OK to be reserved and a bit shy but if my trouble stems from a pattern of lack of confidence with women (which I know is getting better and better every day), I have some real hurdles to jump. I know when I'm asked out and the person feels that they aren't good enough for me, it doesn't make me want to go out with them.

I guess I'll just keep on saying affirmations and hang in there. It's only a matter of time, but I'd really appreciate any insights.

Thanks.
Jay

Okay. Have you ever researched "commitment-phobia"? It sounds like that could be an issue for you, and one you would want to address in order to be really prepared for a real relationship.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with just trying to be someone's friend first, and then deciding if this is the right person to pursue a relationship with. In fact, most emotionally healthy people prefer it. Maybe if you look at meeting new people as an attempt to build a friendship, and nothing more, then you will not have the pressure and anxiety of trying to "sell" yourself.

Let go of the "need" to be in a relationship and continue to focus on being prepared to be in one when the time comes. Someone else cannot "fix" your confidence issue. Sure, they may boost it, but that is just temporary. Continue working on being the best you can be, which may include some professional counseling, and reaching the point of REALLY liking who you are, and what you have to offer.

I think the line goes " If you build it, they will come". Just don't do build it for someone else. Do it because you love you, and that is the most important relationship you will EVER have.

Take care!!!

Thanks "TooNice",

That sounds like good advice. I'll look into commitment issues.

I like very much your thoughts of just looking at new people as possible friendships and building on that first. Then, being prepared to be in a relationship if it happens. Interesting and helpful.

Thanks again.