I can't have a bf and Im 25! My mind doesn't let me

Hi, I am 25 y/o and I haven't had a serious bf, I always push them away.

The last "bf" I had was when I was 16! and it wasn't even that serious, I broke it up because he wasn't as "mature" as I was and I was looking for sex and emotions which never happened.

Before that I had a bf when I was 14 I really liked him and he really liked me but at some point we had to break up, I think I still like him but I am sure its because he is the only one I've liked.
We went to the same school when we were 14 then at 15 we switched together to another one, although we weren't an official couple anymore and he used to see other girls and I tried to hook up with other guys. Then we broke it up.
WE were still in touch since he really liked me and I liked him but he used to lie a lot and had personality issues, but we still had sex and did things together.
One day we were drinking with another friend and he started hitting on me and I let him, so we ended up fondling, I asked my friend (ex bf) to join us but he got mad and left.
We didnt speak to eachother for a while, then he invited me over to his summer house, I went there and this other friend I fondledwith went to, to my surprise another girl was there. Suddenly my friend (ex) and this girl went into a room and had sex, so this other friend (the one i fondled with) pressured me to have sex with him, using the word revenge and all that, stupid me I fell in it and slept with him.

Then he got a gf but we kept in touch and I became "the other" after a long time he finally broke up with her while I was abroad. Since I came back we've seen eachother but just to have sex. He is very demanding and the kind of guys who think everyone is a loser and stupid and tells me I am wrong all the time. But still I think I kind of like him but I am not sure if because of our past or if he is the only guy I've trusted.

Besides him I've had a lot of guys but in a weird way. When I was a kid my older brother used to hit me all the time and ###$ up with my mind.
My whole life I've been the girl behind the guys, I don't know how it feels like when someone is chasing you romantically since wether I am the one interested and telling everyone OR I just push them away.

I am not ugly at all and I don't handle myself thinking I am ugly or anything alike. Every time a guy comes near me I go out with them once and by the second time I do something stupid like not replying his texts, or calls or not even opening the door, pretending Im not at home.

This last two years a guy really really tried, I was super mean to him, to the point where once he asked me to go with him to dinner with his boss and co workers, I said yes and when he came to pick me up I just didn't feel like and didn't open the door or answered the phone, he was wearing a suit and all that. I did this too many time yet he didn't stop.

Anyway, anyone relates? Anyone has any opinions as to why ot how to ix this? I am freaking 25 yo and I don't want to die alone.

Besides him I've had a lot of guys but in a weird way. When I was a kid my older brother used to hit me all the time and ###$ up with my mind.
My whole life I've been the girl behind the guys, I don't know how it feels like when someone is chasing you romantically since wether I am the one interested and telling everyone OR I just push them away.

Hun, any unresolved issues relating to this can impact upon your thoughts and behaviour today. This could impact upon any relationships you have, and could even cause you to re enact and replay old scripts from the past. In order to make sense of all these emotions and to find a way forward, therapy can be really beneficial.