Faulty memory...how to know who?

Hi there.

I've been dating someone and it seems we have a problem that goes beyond simple miscommunication.

We remember things differently. I don't know how to describe it without launching into a ton of specifics but I'll try...he'll say I did x or y or that I said x, y, z...but only SOME of the details are accurate (from what I remember anyway). Like enough of it is true that he DOES remember, but certain important details are left out, or he misremembers when it was done/said, ignores the context...and then the new situation he describes makes me out to look like a terrible person.

He's not vindictive. He has a good heart. I don't think he's purposefully doing this.

I remember all the details...the when, where we were, what we were doing, who said what and how it was said. I've always had a good memory.

But how do you know? I'm second guessing myself. How do you know if it's you or them? Is it safe to assume that because I know little details that my version is the right one?

If it matters, it has only happened surrounding stuff we are arguing about.

I really would like to just sit down and go over everything and find out who's "right" - not for the sake of being right/wrong - but just so I know if I need to go see a therapist or not (or maybe him).

This relationship isn't going to continue regardless, but I'm wondering if I'm delusional and need to see someone?

Hi Yarkon. Welcome. Does this type of thing with different memories happen with other people? Family, friends, coworkers, etc? If it's only with this one person, likely it's him.

If it only happens during arguments, this could be a case of conveniently selective memory, and gaslighting on his part, a tactic often used to confuse people and get them to see the other person's version as being accurate.

Thank you for the replies!

It's never happened to me before. Since writing that original post, he's said other things that really make me question his stability, and I have decided to break things off cleanly with no-contact.

I do believe it was gaslighting/selective memory. When I tried to gently "correct" his version, from the angle that I remembered things happening differently, he wouldn't hear me out, got very defensive, and tried to make me feel "crazy" for even bringing it up ("can't you just let it go??" um, it was yesterday, and it wasn't resolved and it upset me so...NO..lol).

Does he know what he's doing? Is gaslight purposeful? Is it intentional to try to make the other person feel like they're going crazy? He had such a good heart it seemed, it is difficult to suspect it was intentional.

Hun, if you feel that he is gaslighting you, then please proceed very, very cautiously. At its best, it would indicate that he is stubborn and doesn't like to be in the wrong. At its worst, it could be a sign of a potentially abusive relationship and a need to be in control.

Always hold true your own perceptions, intuition, reality and feelings. When gaslighting is persistent, a person can doubt their own versions of reality and their own truths. The person can be made to feel off guard, which places them in a very vulnerable position and this can permeate into all aspects of the relationship.

I initiated no-contact yesterday, blocked all forms of communication, but he used a different email address and I woke up to another message. More half-truths (more like quarter-truths).

What a mind trip this all is...he really makes me question my own sense of reality. How to tell who is the one trying to manipulate/twist reality in order to fit their own schema?

Can you gaslight about gaslighting? lol I laugh but I do wonder...

I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I tried to explain that our version of past events do not align. And to leave me alone.

In his last message to me, he justified how he spoke to me/things he has done because I am "obsessed" with him (even likened me to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction!). The manipulation in that is...I don't want someone to think of me like that...causes me to want to defend/respond...which is the whole point I guess?

initiated no-contact yesterday, blocked all forms of communication, but he used a different email address and I woke up to another message. More half-truths (more like quarter-truths).

What a mind trip this all is...he really makes me question my own sense of reality. How to tell who is the one trying to manipulate/twist reality in order to fit their own schema?

Hun, you KNOW your reality. That is enough. You do not need to justify or defend your reality. It simply is as it is. If you fall into the trap of having to defend yourself in this way, then he has the power to create a very tangled web, which will cause more confusion. There is a saying "Let your yes be yes and your no be no". You have the right to simply state your case, and not be open to any more elaboration, and to leave the scene if need be. You have initiated no contact. He has not respected that and wishes to continue the dialogue. This sounds like an attempt to wear you down, and you don't have to fall for it. If he persists in contacting you, then this would be stalking.

Can you gaslight about gaslighting? lol I laugh but I do wonder...

If you did this, you would be entering into his mindset, and allowing yourself to be drawn into a situation of conflict against your wishes.

I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I tried to explain that our version of past events do not align. And to leave me alone.

Hun, even by stating your case with a gaslighter, you are entering into the situation of conflict. By virtue of the fact that he is a gaslighter, he will NOT see or accept your point of view. Gaslighting by its nature demonstrates in inability to see the other person's perspective, which may also indicate a lack of empathy. It might be easier to simply tell him to leave you alone, with no negotiation.

In his last message to me, he justified how he spoke to me/things he has done because I am "obsessed" with him (even likened me to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction!). The manipulation in that is...I don't want someone to think of me like that...causes me to want to defend/respond...which is the whole point I guess?

Here, he is not only gaslighting but projecting. He claims that YOU are obsessed with him? HE is the one who has pestered you by e mail, and YOU were the one who wanted to maintain no conduct. He is blame shifting, gaslighting and projecting. Hun, it doesn't matter what he thinks of you. He is using this so that you will go on the defensive, try to justify yourself and thereby enter into the whole cycle again. Remember you don't have to prove anything to him. Period. Your sense of integrity should come from within, and not be dependant upon trying to convince other people that you are not to blame etc. As long as you KNOW your integrity, your values, your opinions, and your truth, and as long as you OWN them, you don't have to prove them. Who is he? Your judge and jury? It's best to remain non committal and not enter into his dialogue. If he persists in contacting you, you will need to keep a record of the e mails etc, without responding to them (even by saying "Leave me alone". This needs to be said only once) and you can take action against him for harrassment. You could also block this e mail address, or change your own. It sounds as if he knows which emotional buttons to press, and by reacting to him you're literally playing into his hands. He wants you to feel unfairly accused, angry etc, and if you don't react, then you won't fall into this trap.

Thank you SO much for the replies...I've blocked him, but he keeps emailing from a new email account. He sent another just now, but I think this is the last one. He made it sound like he would leave me alone. Just wanted to tell me the "real" reason why things didn't work out.

He totally changed gears...said I was right about all the other stuff...that I'm not delusional or misremembering...now he says it's because he wasn't attracted to me that we were having problems.

All I can do is laugh at this point. It's all so absurd.

I'm definitely not responding. No worries.

A case of dented pride perhaps, and trying to deflect blame. Good on you for seeing through it.