What can I do?

Yo... I've got a nasty little problem and none of my friends quite get it because they don't struggle with what I like to call "soul sickness". I say that because I believe my problems come from far deeper than just my psyche. Somebody will probably argue that but that's moot and not what I am here for anyway. I just got out of a relationship with a girl that was most likely missing alot more than I. Call it God or whatever you want but a girl that I have known in excess of 10 years and have been completely infatuated with comes along soon after. Ok, brief important history here. She's never dated someone more than once and she has dated me 3 times. Everyone says we are perfect for each other. Our families adore each other, our friends all get along, our plans for the future even happen to take us to the same places. Yet again, God, Fate... whatever you want to call it, I dont believe in coincidence.

Here's the problem. I am slipping and I'm slipping way too fast to control it this time. I have tried an undisclosed amount of times to take my own life in the past 5 years and failed miserably everytime. As a result I have liver problems and my nervous system is completely shot. So that's a no go. Got on some very serious drugs and that failed to fill the hole again. Actually caused more problems. Tried as many girls as many nights as I could (horrible but also horribly true). The bottle didnt work either so I went to the doctors and they screwed me up even worse. I don't enjoy being a zombie and being too dumb to hate life. So I dumped that and started drinking again. That's when Marijuana found me. Here's the major problem. Ive got someone who genuinely loves me now. Now I've got mounds of addictions to overcome (cannot afford rehab and cannot afford better doctors... actually I cant afford any doctors now), I am what some would call an intellectual so I am constantly reading and thinking (not a good idea to think all the time when 99% of those thoughts end with me being a loser), and now Ive got a new friend. Apathy. Im beginning to not care. Im beginning to question if I can even love her back anymore. I don't care about anything.

Ok, well I know what its like to love someone thats insane. I was told to run as far away as fast away as I could but I didnt listen and I got burned from it. That was before the old friend came along. So I am beginning to recognize somethings that happened to me, only now I am the one doing it. On one hand I want to tell her to run and not look back (even though I know she wont, she's a fighter and she's not gonna let me drown like that) but I also know that I have lost the ability to do this completely on my own. My parents are out of the picture and my friends help when they can but they also have lives and jobs. And I dont want to place this burden on her but I can honestly say that I would stick around to try and see her through the same. She is the one that has to spend the rest of her life with me (we both aspire to marry soon)... I know that deep down I love her, but I also know that I'm not getting out of the quicksand all by myself. She's beginning to realize this. She accepts the challenge because she really does love me. But neither of us know what to do. How do I find my purpose again? My peers and co-workers all tell me that I'm a lion for dealing with what I have to (also something about looking like one ). My parents always told me that I was gonna be a hero. I can see faint traces of the necessary traits but I hardly ever feel like the hero my people need. My friend jokingly calls me "the fallen hero"... almost funny. Any of you older and wiser folks have any advice for me? I feel like abandoning her would be alot worse than trying and failing. But I'm tired of failing and I would really like some advice.

Wow....well...isn't it worth a try to see if you can triumph over your problems with the love of this woman? There are free self-help groups you two could go to together, like AA or NA...there is also the Public Health facility in your state..there are ways if you are determined enough. Don't give up just yet. It's so rare that we can find someone who really loves us enough to stick by us through all our trials....let her decide if she is willing to take the risk. Have a serious talk with her about all that is worrying you and then go from there. If you run her off, you will always wonder if things could have been different.