Any advice will be greatly appreciated

Hi everyone,

Not sure if this is right place to post my question.

I have read a few psychology books(Viktor Frankl's book is my favourite) and am always been interested in knowing how our mind works and why we do the things we do.

I am currently going through a rough time and would appreciate your advice.

For me my work/career has been everything since I moved to UK few years ago. But now I am trying to get a work-life balance and I do have a few hobbies of my own and try to enjoy things.

Due to various reasons (cultural mostly), I have never done any dating since a few months ago. I have not had much feminine contact as I was raised by a single dad. So far I have not had much success with dating. I am not sure if it's do with my race/personality. I am a fairly confident person and try & stay fit by going to gym few times a week.

I always give more importance to my work and spend 12-14 hours everyday but my stress levels at work are very high at the moment.

Even though dating is not a priority at the moment(as I am not having any success) for me but I feel pressurised at work as everyone has a girlfriend and I get the feeling that the management feels there is something wrong if you are single at late twenties.

Everything seems so stressful at the moment as I feel really low by not having much success in dating in addition to stress at work. I am thinking of going to an escort and may be losing my virginity. I am hoping this will reduce my stress levels and I will also have something to look forward to. May be I will have more success at dating after this. But I'm afraid that If I do this I might get into the habit of doing this.

I understand its a lot, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Dav

Hi DavidPF,

Do you feel like dating? If you don't really enjoy it people can probably sense that - especially women. There is no point in dating only to satisfy your colleagues. Some people prefer to be single and that's ok - as long as you are happy
If you do want to date and meet someone I can recommend online dating. I don't know if you've tried it, but in many cases it can work very well - you can meet people who have similar interests or ways of spending free time and it's always muuuuch easier to click with such person. If you work so much and you like to work it would be good if you could find a woman who has hobbies of her own or like to work late too. I met my bf on an online dating site - we both work a lot and I know that if one of us wanted the other to work less it wouldn't work out.
I wouldn't recommend sex for money, I don't think it would change anything. If you pay for it, it's a completely different experience.

IceBlock wrote:Hi DavidPF,

Do you feel like dating? If you don't really enjoy it people can probably sense that - especially women. There is no point in dating only to satisfy your colleagues. Some people prefer to be single and that's ok - as long as you are happy
If you do want to date and meet someone I can recommend online dating. I don't know if you've tried it, but in many cases it can work very well - you can meet people who have similar interests or ways of spending free time and it's always muuuuch easier to click with such person. If you work so much and you like to work it would be good if you could find a woman who has hobbies of her own or like to work late too. I met my bf on an online dating site - we both work a lot and I know that if one of us wanted the other to work less it wouldn't work out.
I wouldn't recommend sex for money, I don't think it would change anything. If you pay for it, it's a completely different experience.

Hi IceBlock,

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

I do like to meet someone and do things that we both enjoy doing and have in common. I have only used online dating so far. I have only met two people in person through online dating but it did not work out.

I keep trying different things like updating my profile and am always trying to get in touch with dating contacts online. Its very demoralising when all you get is rejects on a daily basis. I want to succeed at this and end up spending most of my free time on this. I am not enjoying neither work(very stressful at the moment) nor dating(which I am focused on at the moment and I think I have taken this very seriously).

I was hoping if I do the escort thing, may be I will find some happiness in that. Then go back to doing my hobbies and concentrate more on work. Then try the dating may be a different site or may be go and meet people at a club or a bar.

Everything seems so hard at the moment, I don't have any friends who are girls. I am also hoping to get some women perspective in terms of what they think of dating someone who is not white. I am not sure if my race is a problem.

Dav

If you want to succeed so much maybe you are trying too hard? You can't treat dating like a competition or a race. If you are so stressed it probably shows. Women often prefer when men are calm and relaxed. If you tell yourself not to expect anything it might be easier. And remember with every date your experience grows. You can't expect to meet the "right" person right away. It may take some time. So just try to enjoy it. And if it becomes work - stop and wait till you miss it

I don't think you can find happiness with prostitute. Not much I can say about it though.

I can't speak for all women but I wouldn't have a problem dating non-caucasian guy (I'm caucasian). Quite frankly from what I've heard I think women like "exotic" men. If you live in UK it shouldn't be an issue as the society is quite multi-cultural, isn't it?

IceBlock wrote:If you want to succeed so much maybe you are trying too hard? You can't treat dating like a competition or a race. If you are so stressed it probably shows. Women often prefer when men are calm and relaxed. If you tell yourself not to expect anything it might be easier. And remember with every date your experience grows. You can't expect to meet the "right" person right away. It may take some time. So just try to enjoy it. And if it becomes work - stop and wait till you miss it

I don't think you can find happiness with prostitute. Not much I can say about it though.

I can't speak for all women but I wouldn't have a problem dating non-caucasian guy (I'm caucasian). Quite frankly from what I've heard I think women like "exotic" men. If you live in UK it shouldn't be an issue as the society is quite multi-cultural, isn't it?

Thanks again IceBlock. Its true I agree with you that I have taken it a bit too seriously. The harder I try the difficult it seems. I have read that when you are successful at something, you can replicate the same in other areas. I have done this and have personally experienced this. I am a very successful person in terms of work and take my work seriously. This failure in dating seems to be affecting my personal life. It's like a circle of failure\stress\disappointment. It's so frustrating. In life you want what you can't\don't have. I have also read it somewhere along the lines why nice guys finish last(in dating). I am trying to take things lightly and try and concentrate on other areas of my personal life since then. Coming it from you also reassures the same thing.

It is good to know your view from a women's perspective. It is a bit reassuring for me. I have only been living in UK for a few years but believe UK is quite multi-cultural having had the opportunity to come here, meet different people and learn so much. I have met few people of my race who are born and raised here, they seem to be so social. It is different for me as I was not raised here and I have always been very shy especially when it comes to girl as I have not had any kind of relationship with a women so far. I am also thinking of stopping the online dating and go out and meet women in a pub\club\bar and see how it goes.

Can I ask you where are you from and what is your job? Quite frankly I don't think that being successful in one area of life can always make it easier to achieve success in another. It's more complicated than that. I met many guys very successful in life (good education, job, social position) and yet they too struggled with meeting the right person.
In bars/pubs you can usually meet a certain kind of women, I don't know if it's the kind you'd be interested in

IceBlock wrote:Can I ask you where are you from and what is your job? Quite frankly I don't think that being successful in one area of life can always make it easier to achieve success in another. It's more complicated than that. I met many guys very successful in life (good education, job, social position) and yet they too struggled with meeting the right person.
In bars/pubs you can usually meet a certain kind of women, I don't know if it's the kind you'd be interested in

I am from Manchester, work in IT. Not many women work in IT at least where I have worked so far. May be I should have become a pilot or chosen a different career, I would had more chances of meeting women I have managed to replicate my success in most places except for this. It is good to know there are people like me in similar position, thanks for mentioning that. I do go to gym few times a week and have few hobbies that I pursue when I get some time. Where would you suggest meeting women then?

That's what I thought I work in engineering/IT that's why I asked. Cause I know many IT guys that have problems with women. That's really very common. Women are hard to understand sometimes. It's hard for me to tell what you are doing wrong but if you:
-talk too much about your job (especially technical stuff!) you will scare them off
-talk too much about yourself -> same
-it may be also about what you wear - women don't necessarily like t-shirt and jeans
-ask many questions about a woman and comment like "it's very interesting","wonderful", stuff like that - but not too much of course -> you'll get a plus
-smile a lot -> you'll get a plus
-compliments -> they are a certain way to win. Nice eyes are always a good start
-bringing flowers on the first date -> plus

What are your hobbies? Maybe you can meet someone while pursuing them? Cycling together is nice. If you go to a gym - have you seen any women there? They sometimes go there only to get men's attention

IceBlock wrote:That's what I thought I work in engineering/IT that's why I asked. Cause I know many IT guys that have problems with women. That's really very common. Women are hard to understand sometimes. It's hard for me to tell what you are doing wrong but if you:
-talk too much about your job (especially technical stuff!) you will scare them off
-talk too much about yourself -> same
-it may be also about what you wear - women don't necessarily like t-shirt and jeans
-ask many questions about a woman and comment like "it's very interesting","wonderful", stuff like that - but not too much of course -> you'll get a plus
-smile a lot -> you'll get a plus
-compliments -> they are a certain way to win. Nice eyes are always a good start
-bringing flowers on the first date -> plus

What are your hobbies? Maybe you can meet someone while pursuing them? Cycling together is nice. If you go to a gym - have you seen any women there? They sometimes go there only to get men's attention

I did not realise it was that common. Most of my colleagues are seeing someone or are in relationship at my age. But then they are all from here. Thanks for the pointers, they are very helpful.

I do talk too much about technical stuff, am trying to reduce this when I am talking to friends other than colleagues. You are also right about t-shirt & jeans, I have recently changed this. I did not know about flowers on first date, I will keep that, the compliments, the "interesting, wonderful" etc in mind. You seem to be very good at this, you know the IT guys very well I take it. your BF must be an IT guy as well.

There are a few women at the gym where I go. Especially yesterday, it was my first yoga session. There were about 25 women, me and two other old men. I expected equal men & women. I go to circuit training sometimes on weekends, its 50-50 men/women in there. Not sure if yoga is a women thing. I will have to start making conversations at the gym. I usually don't talk much. I did not realise gym might be a better place to talk to women, thanks for pointing that as well.

I like traveling to new places and camping etc. But I have never talked to strangers much in the past unless I am lost while I am traveling. I will need to improve on this.

I am also planning to go to speed dating pretty soon. Never done it before. Sounds like an interesting idea, you get to talk to each person for about 3 mins. Do you have any pointers/advice on speed dating?

I graduated from a technical university - 8% women, 92% men. So yes, I know a little about IT guys

About the flowers - I live in Poland and guys here are still quite "traditional". They bring flowers, hold door for women, wait till a woman sits in a restaurant before they sit down etc. I know that guys in the western Europe are not like that and that women there are often positively surprised when they meet Polish men. You can use that to your advantage Also - if you want to impress a woman you can always buy a small book about savoir vivre and read a little. Most women like "appearences" and nice gestures.

Yoga is very popular among women. You can try to chat with one of the women there - for example comment that "it was hard today, wasn't it?" or something similar and see how she reacts. Have some questions prepared like "do you come here often" etc.

I understand you pretty well - I don't talk much either and small talk is quite hard for me. I've never tried speed dating but it may be a good practice If you want to sound interesting you have to come up with something more unusual than "I like long walks and good movies" But that depends on you - it's good to have hobbies or favourite activities you can enjoy with someone. So travelling would be good here.