PLEASE HELP! DEATH OF BOYFRIENDS CHILD!

My situation is complicated.. My boyfriend left his wife a year ago. They had two daugthers, a 15 year old and a 5 year old. We have currently been living together for 7ish months. During the 7 months he has been going through the divorce and custody process. He would bring the children into our home. The past month or so the 15 year old stopped coming around. My guess mostly because of the momn saying stuff. On Friday we were suppose to go to court to get the custody ruling finalized... The Monday before, the 15 year old passed away in a tragic accident. I was at the hospital for everything, and my boyfriend seemed everything would be fine with us. I couldn't go to the funeral or the wake, because his ex is seriously psycho and would just flip out, and i didn't want to make the situation worse, so I respected that. But since the day after he came home from the hospital of her passing he has not stayed at home. Which we also share with my daughter who I had previously, but calls him dad, and only knows him as her dad. She will be 2. We were planning on getting married, and he was planning on adopting my daughter, etc. But he won't talk to me, he won't text me, or call me, he won't tell me he loves me. I asked if he still wants to be with me and will respond "I don't know what I want right now, I'm just so numb" and I said well why can't you come home and stay, and he said it's not fair to you and B if I have to run down to where his other daughter is at her moms all the time, when she calls. And he just says, I just want to be alone, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to be asked questions, and I have lawyers calling me, and the cost of it, etc... but he stays at his parents at night and I asked him why, and he said because his parents just leave him alone. He says he has so much guilt because he felt he should have been there for his daughter, and he walked away from her. I feel like he's going to hate me, because he walked away and was spending that time with me and my daughter instead of his daughters, and maybe thats why he doesn't want to be with us? Other times I tell my self he just needs time and he just doesn't know what to think and doens't want to be bothered... but I guess I just don't understand. I'm worried he will never come back. I'm worried he will tell me that he would just rather be alone and focus on his relationship with his other daughter than be with me and my daughter too. I'm scared. We always said we were soulmates, and now... nothing. What do I do?

Hun, what has happened to your boyfriend is truly, truly tragic. It is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. He will be in the midst of the most awful grief imaginable. No one, unless they have gone through such a devastating experience can even begin to comprehend the enormity of what he is feeling. As he processes this awful shock, he is likely to do, say, think and behave in ways that are out of character.

As difficult as this is for you, this is a time when you may need to step back, and allow him to grieve in his own way, without any pressure from you. Just let him know that the door is open and that you are there if he needs you. This is very important. This is a time when you may need to put all your feelings on hold for a while and allow him the space that he needs.

If you find that you need support during this time, for you are going through a different type of grief, please seek the support of your friends and family, and a therapist is the feelings become unbearable. As the initial shock diminishes and your boyfriend begins to accept this terrible loss, you can leave the door open for him.

I'm just really afraid that he is not going to back.
Or he is going to think that he wants to focus all his attention on his other daughter, and not have to worry about another relationship.
I'm horrified. It's all I think about. I miss him.

I'm just really afraid that he is not going to back.
Or he is going to think that he wants to focus all his attention on his other daughter, and not have to worry about another relationship.
I'm horrified. It's all I think about. I miss him.

Hun, I know. I know that you are likely to be grieving too, and in a state of shock. I know that all your instincts now will be screaming out to help and support your boyfriend, and I know that you are probably feeling very confused, abandoned, and left behind, and scared. Your feelings are very real and very valid. I am NOT trying to diminish your feelings, for all feelings are subjective and no one has a monopoly on how valid their emotions are, and nor should they, for no one should have to justify how they feel. People simply feel. What I'm saying is that it's highly likely now that your boyfriend is feeling emotions that none of us can even begin to comprehend, given the enormity of the situation. It is every parent's worst nightmare. If you read the Seven Stages of Grief at the top of the forum, it will explain something of the process of grief that your boyfriend is likely to be going through. If you can imagine all your painful emotions MAGNIFIED BY A HUNDRED, then this probably might give you some idea of how he is engulfed in grief at the moment, and for this reason he has shut you out. This doesn't mean that he will necessarily shut you out tomorrow, but for now, sadly, he has. This doesn't detract from his love for you. It's just that he is engulfed at the moment by all consuming grief.

Hun, you need to find support for YOU, so that when he is calmer, he can turn to you if he needs to. Please, as hard as it is, allow him the space he needs to grieve. This is probably the most loving gesture you can give to him.