Friendship Advice: Are different ideals a breaker?

I have a really close friend, "Abby," whom I have known for several years as both a confidant and a colleague. We have many shared experiences that, of course, have brought us closer together. I know that Abby is a strong Christian, and Abby knows that I am not religious at all. So far, this has not hindered our relationship in any measure. But I am also a lesbian, which goes against what she believes. For a while I was afraid to tell her, because I was afraid that she would not want to be as close to me because of it. When I did finally tell her, it seemed to make no difference, for which I am grateful, and it even made me admire her more at first. Now that I am in a committed relationship, however, I feel like things have changed. I can understand this happening with friendships in general as a person becomes less available because of their new relationship. But I feel as though because Abby might consider my relationship "unconventional" and perhaps sinful, she is trying to ignore it. I really care for Abby, and I rely on her for sound advice, and I truly enjoy her company. But every time I even mention my partner's name, who is obviously a huge part of my life, she changes the subject. Unless it is a question, she acts totally uninterested in this part of me. Until now, I have tried to brush it off, because I don't want it to be a reason for us not to be friends. Two people with different ideals can surely look past such a thing. I would like Abby to remain a part of my life, but she seems to want to not just look past this huge thing, but ignore it entirely, as if it doesn't exist or is not important. Can we still be friends? How do I address this?

Maybe Abby is finding herself torn between her loyalty and fondness for you as a friend and her Christian beliefs. Some Christians are open and accepting about gay relationships,whilst others, particularly the more fundamental Christians, are not. If she belongs to the latter group, she could be feeling a conflict between her beliefs and her friendship for you, and therefore has gone into a kind of denial. If she doesn't address the situation, it therefore doesn't exist. If this is the way she normally addresses conflicts and issues, by burying them, then this will be a difficult habit for her to break. She may even have unaddressed issues of her own relating to her own sexuality.

Opening up the channels for open and honest communication can help. She may honestly not realise how much this is upsetting you. Maybe she could meet your partner? Fear of the unknown can make issues seem bigger, and if she met her, she might change her attitude. If you find that she doesn't accept your relationship and continues to deny its existence, you might have to ask if you need this kind of friendship, in which a part of you feels compromised in order to please her.

I'm a touch late, but welcome to the forums.

I am transgender and a while ago went with someone to their small church where the minister was (it was reported ) really worried about my presence at first.

Apparently the minister was concerned that I would corrupt him. While I developed a good relationship with the minister's wife, quite quickly.

This situation reminded me of (and explained) the Daniel 'story (and here to digress slightly I rush to say I mean no disrespect) of him going to sleep when thrown to the lions.

So I have a few questions. How new is your relationship ? How long ago did you "come out" to "Abby"? Aren't friendships based upon acceptance ?

And like Masquade posted have you tried to open up this blockage in your friendship with "Abby".

It could be that she simply needs time to process this information.

Good luck.

Abby has met my partner. It was in a group setting, and she was very polite. She is stoic and can be kind of stand off-ish when she meets someone new (we have this in common), so nothing seemed too strange. We were also with a group of people who all the rest of them take no issue with my relationship and in fact totally loved her. Abby may have been polite then because she did not want to, one, stand out, and two, upset me. She does care for me, but I need her to care for all of me...

It's important that you communicate with her, or this will become a wedge that affects the friendship. A good way to do this is to initiate the conversation by praising her, telling her how much the friendship means to you, and then bringing up the subject of how important this relationship is to you and how important it is that your friend accepts ALL of you in the middle part of the conversation, finishing again by praising the friendship. It's a technique called the "praise sandwich" and has proven to be an effective way of getting a point across. The longer you leave things unsaid, the longer this will fester and affect your friendship.