Is this considered abusive behavior?

Hello everyone,

I am new here, and am confused about my husband's behavior toward me. He has never laid a hand on me, and says he would never hurt me, but he does have a temper and, while he tries to hide it from his family, at work, or from people in general (they all think he is a very nice, agreeable and pleasant person) I have been witness to his tantrums and I find them very unsettling, especially coming from a man who is 40 years old.

There have been two incidents I've experienced with him while traveling with him in the car. The first happened last Thanksgiving. We were planning to visit his parents, who live 2-1/2 hours away. His mom called us Thanksgiving morning and told us everyone had come down with the stomach flu. Instead of saying, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, maybe we should go to my wife's family's Thanksgiving instead" (my parents only live 20 minutes from us)...he instead asked, 'So, do you still want us to come?" Of course, his mom said "Yes." So, we left for his parents' home. About 20 minutes into the drive there, I expressed concern about the potential for us to get sick, too. Suddenly and with no warning, my husband slams on the brakes and pulls the car over to the shoulder and yells, "So do you want me to turn around and go home?!' (obviously with the intention of me being intimidated enough to say, "No, no, keep going"--which is what I did, because I was so shocked by his outburst). We got there and sure enough everyone was sick. By the time we returned home, we had both come down with the stomach flu, as well, which is finally when he admitted, "I'm sorry; we shouldn't have gone."

The next incident happened yesterday. We are in marital counseling, and while the session itself seemed to go well, on the way home, we were arguing about some of my emotional issues (anxiety, primarily) and I said, in frustration, "Maybe you should find someone else who is more like you". His response was to once again slam on the brakes and pull the car over to the shoulder, after which he yelled, "Quit saying that!!! I KNOW we could both go our separate ways; I KNOW that! You don't need to keep telling me that! That's the easy way out; I think you have more value than a piece of trash I can just discard, so STOP saying we could leave each other!!!' By this time, I was crying, and urged him to just get back on the road. We drove the rest of the way in silence, and when we got home, he apologized for "getting mad" and said, "I just don't like it when you say things like that."

I'm wondering if these two examples would qualify as emotional/verbal abuse. He didn't call me names, but he definitely intimidated me. There have also been times when we've been on the road where he gets upset if drivers pass him, and he slowly will speed up to tail them for a bit, a grim look on his face, before backing off again. He is generally a very careful driver, except for these moments of aggression, which last for a few minutes and then pass. I'd just welcome any advice and I wonder if others have experienced this sort of thing.

I don't feel qualified to say if this is abuse or not. But it's clearly something you don't like that really bothers you. Maybe you should bring it up in counseling?

Also, just based on how these examples all happened when he is driving, I can't help but think how if it were me, I'd want to be the one driving when on the road with him.

I have to agree with the first comment, that maybe you can suggest driving places to see if that eases his temper while in the car. Fights in the car are, truly, the worst, because there really isn't anywhere for you to go, and it is very easy to intimidate and feel intimidated. While I don't think those incidents would be considered abusive, I do think you should mention it in counseling. I also have anxiety, and this is an issue in my relationship, as well. I am fearful, sensitive, and anxious, and sometimes small things can scare me. However, my partner is learning to understand this part of me, and while I am working to rid those things in my life that increase my anxiety, she is also trying to say things in ways that don't trigger my sensitivities. If your husband loves you - which I suspect he does - he will want to be better for you. The second incident sounds as if he has struggled with anger management for a long time, and now he just used to responding that way, out of fear of losing you or even love. It probably does bother him when you say things like that (it would bother me, too, and probably you), and that was just a trigger for him. Again, as you grow as a couple, hopefully his love for you will better his temper, and your love for him will better your anxiety. Agreeing to marriage counseling is a huge step in the right direction for both of you.