Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

For me, if I found a gal who said she slept around like it was going out of style, it would make me wonder how faithful she'd be to me.

Of course, every man will have a different perspective on this phenomenon.

I guess I simply wonder: why would someone would sleep around that much? Were you looking for love? Didn't find it? Or didn't want to commit to a reciprocal loving relationship? What's the deal?

The risks for STD's are big. Have you been checked by a doctor for all this? It is not advisable to sleep around in this modern era of HPV virus which is really easy to get.

Jerril wrote:For me, if I found a gal who said she slept around like it was going out of style, it would make me wonder how faithful she'd be to me.

Of course, every man will have a different perspective on this phenomenon.

I guess I simply wonder: why would someone would sleep around that much? Were you looking for love? Didn't find it? Or didn't want to commit to a reciprocal loving relationship? What's the deal?

The risks for STD's are big. Have you been checked by a doctor for all this? It is not advisable to sleep around in this modern era of HPV virus which is really easy to get.

are you serious? this girl is 26, so let's say she's been sexually active for about 10 years. that's only 3-4 people a year. how on earth is that "sleeping around like it was going out of style"? not everyone's a serial monogamist.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:let's say she's been sexually active for about 10 years. that's only 3-4 people a year.

Well, it's all relative isn't it?

My points are not to try to impose some sort of moral judgement and I don't want to come across that way.

My inquiry is to do with the WHY of all this. Why jump from partner to partner in an era of some awful, sexually transmitted, diseases?

And, I can't relate to people's lack of attachment, either. If someone enjoys hopping from partner to partner, and they are not experiencing any residues of bad feelings, then all power to them. Again, I'm not saying it's "bad" or "wrong" but I am just asking about it; I'm curious to know more, here. What goes on for Nattykr, anyway? Looking for love and not finding it? Avoiding love? What's at the kernel of all this?

My comment that it was having sex like "going out of style" might be over the top, so maybe we can stop splitting hairs on that and focus on the rest of my post?

Also, y'know, the whole thing of trying to find a steady long term connection now JUST BECAUSE Nattykr wants to settle down and have kids would likely be a deal breaker for me, as well.

She's been quite promiscuous, really, and now she wants to all the sudden change, just because she always had a dream of being in a long term commitment; that sends up a few red flags for me.

Perhaps I'm being brutally honest but that's how I'd feel if I was getting intimate with her and, after all, she asked! Also, Psychforums is about being perfectly honest, if necessary, to help someone out.

sex is fun. that's why. it doesn't have to be with some serious, long term partner. sometimes sex is just for sex. and there's nothing wrong with it and no one should be called promiscuous for having sex with a few different people every year. that's absolutely ridiculous. especially considering the way some people sleep with a different person every weekend.

how's that for relative?

Jerril wrote:For me, if I found a gal who said she slept around like it was going out of style, it would make me wonder how faithful she'd be to me.

This is the reaction that I have a a gripe with. Why on earth does this indicate a cheating past? Wouldn't cheating indicate a tendency to be unfaithful?

Of course, every man will have a different perspective on this phenomenon.

I guess I simply wonder: why would someone would sleep around that much? Were you looking for love? Didn't find it? Or didn't want to commit to a reciprocal loving relationship? What's the deal?

These are valid questions. Ones which I would ask a man who'd had a high sexual partner number.
I am not proud of my past. I know that I have had sex too early on occasions whilst looking for love, one night stands and casual hook ups/friends with benefits situations. A big reason I posted this is because I am exploring my reasons and evaluating my behaviour. I am actively looking at my self and recognising that my reasons where not always from a good place. I have suffered from low self esteem often, but other times I was just horny....I've been avoiding commitment for a long time. I've experienced it ( i had a 4 and half year relationship) but I actively ran away from that relationship due to my issues.


The risks for STD's are big. Have you been checked by a doctor for all this? It is not advisable to sleep around in this modern era of HPV virus which is really easy to get.

I am have been tested at least twice a year since I lost my virginity, even if I have or have not used protection. I've never had an abortion or caught an STI, accept HPV. I take this VERY seriously. Most of the population (UK) has HPV.

"And, I can't relate to people's lack of attachment, either. If someone enjoys hopping from partner to partner, and they are not experiencing any residues of bad feelings, then all power to them. Again, I'm not saying it's "bad" or "wrong" but I am just asking about it; I'm curious to know more, here. What goes on for Nattykr, anyway? Looking for love and not finding it? Avoiding love? What's at the kernel of all this?"

Have you researched attachment theory? It could some way to explaining why certain people have attachment forming problems. I have already commented on my issues with commitment. I'm aware of my past and how its affected the present.

"Also, y'know, the whole thing of trying to find a steady long term connection now JUST BECAUSE Nattykr wants to settle down and have kids would likely be a deal breaker for me, as well."

If I communicated this message then I sure as hell did not mean to. I will only be 'settling' down if I find a suitable partner, love even. That is more important than having children. Believe me I know a few women who have given up on having both and just gone for the child with someone un suitable as a partner.


"She's been quite promiscuous, really, and now she wants to all the sudden change, just because she always had a dream of being in a long term commitment; that sends up a few red flags for me."

I have been in a long term relationship before and as I have previously stated I was not ready for it.

"Perhaps I'm being brutally honest but that's how I'd feel if I was getting intimate with her and, after all, she asked! Also, Psychforums is about being perfectly honest, if necessary, to help someone out."

I appreciate your honesty. Its reactions like yours that are important because I actively trying to move forward and knowing what I'll be facing is my aim. Thanks

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:no one should be called promiscuous for having sex with a few different people every year. that's absolutely ridiculous. especially considering the way some people sleep with a different person every weekend.

Well, "rainbow sprinkles," then, do you call someone who sleeps with a different person every weekend promiscuous? What is your definition of promiscuous.

Hey, maybe folks who screw a different person EVERY NIGHT, or even MULTIPLE people every night, would call the folks who only diddle on the weekends with only one person a complete PRUDE.

perhaps so, but it's still only the people who go around calling other people promiscuous, aka slutty, who are hurting people. judging and insulting others isn't going to get you anywhere around here. this forum is for support, not ridicule and name calling.

Jerril wrote:

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:no one should be called promiscuous for having sex with a few different people every year. that's absolutely ridiculous. especially considering the way some people sleep with a different person every weekend.

Well, "rainbow sprinkles," then, do you call someone who sleeps with a different person every weekend promiscuous? What is your definition of promiscuous.

Hey, maybe folks who screw a different person EVERY NIGHT, or even MULTIPLE people every night, would call the folks who only diddle on the weekends with only one person a complete PRUDE.

Jerril, you need to chill out. Your tone has anger all over it. Sarcasm and anger are not needed to communicate your point. I agree that someone has issues if they 'screw' lots of people every week.

Rainbow - it is a difference of opinion. I do believe that I have been promiscuous. Most people in the mid twenties will have had a long term relationship, a short term one and maybe a couple of casual encounters. I would say 5 is about the mean for our age group and 10 is the average amount for people in their life time. It is interesting to look at though, because our culture (UK) has changed from family centred to individual centred. People are waiting longer to get married, drinking more and soiling their oats for a longer period of time. Contraception advances has changed attitudes in this area.

Jerrill, please be aware of the tone of your posts.