Dating an Agoraphobic?

Hello - long story short!

I met this guy through friends. I knew he was agoraphobic when I met him, and he was very very shy (until he had a few drinks anyway!) We found out we had loads in common and were just as "weird" as each other i.e taste in films and music.

I started messageing him (cos he cant make first moves) and he started to message back, and we developed our friendship. I heard from our friends that he had feelings for me and had no clue or confidence with what to do.

This week, we have spent pretty much all day everyday together, him staying at mine (just cos it was easier then him walking home) and meeting up. I found out that when he met me in town it was the first time he had walked there on his own in years, and this was the first time he had every stayed away from home for more then a night.

Im worried that he is pushing himself too hard and that i am enableing him and setting him up to fail - I'm worried about pushing him too much unknowingly, but I also dont want to patronise him ( i am a stupidly postive person and that can sometimes comes across that i am making light of serious issues) . I'm worried if I did fully commite to a relationship with him, it could be unfair on him as I would pretty much hold all the cards...I do really like him, and honestly have never clicked with someone as much as I have and I have told him I felt I could have strong feelings for him (which he was happy about). A part of me likes being the one "in control" but a part of me is scared that I would have to take on all his issues which I do not want to do.

I supose I am asking if if thhis could be a healthy relationship - or if it could end up doing him more harm then good? Have people any experience of being with social anxious people? or does is this just a typical boy meets girl thing and i'm reading too much into it? is there any advice or common mistakes to avoid?

Thank you

Welcome to the forums.

I would pretty much hold all the cards

You already do! All except emotional blackmail.

part of me likes being the one "in control" but a part of me is scared that I would have to take on all his issues which I do not want to do

Alas you have already. As I understand it love is for better and worse. One can't pick and choose what part of a person you will have. It is an all or nothing situation. However you can say I don't like that, please change.

You have already improved him apparently, as shown by

and this was the first time he had every stayed away from home for more then a night.

If that's not an improvement, would you tell me what is ?

or if it could end up doing him more harm then good?

Depends upon if or when the relationship ends. If his habits/ phobia's change for the better your not harming him..........

Therefore long may the relationship last!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have worked with mental health issues before, and suffered from depression myself and so feel i have a good understanding and acceptance of issues around this.

I'm worried he is putting too much emphasis on "me" - not accepting that he is making all these positive moves for his own sake, but rather doing them for me...I dot want to be his whole world...I dont know...

I am realistic and understand that our relationship could fizzle very quickly or we could have problems which we can not resolve - while I am sure I will be ok, I cant say the same for him and I would never forgive myself if he went backwards due to my actions.

But as said previously- its not my right to take away opporutunities (for either of us) based on his mental health issues - they dont bother me in that sense.

dot want to be his whole world...I dont know...

At the moment you probably are.

My advice on dating an agoraphobic, dont. Sooner or later he's likely going to return to his hermit like state and cut you out of his life. There is a chance he'll grow out of it once he gets some more positive real world experience. Its a roll of the dice though.

-- Fri Aug 10, 2012 3:55 pm --

My advice on dating an agoraphobic, dont. Sooner or later he's likely going to return to his hermit like state and cut you out of his life. There is a chance he'll grow out of it once he gets some more positive real world experience. Its a roll of the dice though.