Non seeking advice, have a child with a HPD

Hi I am currently going through a custody battle with my ex who I believe to be a HPD. I was blinded by alot of the signs but after we broke up at the end of the year I started to see things more clearly. She has already been divorced, moved 700+ miles to be with me and within 5 months of having our child started seeing someone else, ended our relationship and within 6 months of that is now engaged. I had found out that she had cheated several times during our relationship as well as make up serious health conditions for herself. She had shown no care or concern for our child as she lied about signing him up for health care thus did not take him for vaccinations, used him as an excuse for being late to work, etc. and did not show much interest in him other than him being her show toy. After finding out all of this information and the fact that she was trying to take off to go to be with her soon to be fiancee and family 700+ miles away, I filed for sole custody. Only at this point did she try and act like supermom and was concerned, although she still would smoke around him and leave an unsafe living atmosphere for him as well. We currently have a temporary custody agreement set up but now with the recent engagement It's only a matter of time before she tries to relocate and I fear for his safety and development if she manages to get this. I don't know how many men she is going to try and bring into his life but she admitted something was wrong with her months ago and whenever I try and bring it up she turns a blind eye. I don't know what else to do at this point because I feel that our childs best option is to be with me and for her to get help so she can be a part of his life. I wanted to try and work things out with her for the sake of our child, but she never seemed too interested in that and clearly is not an option with her engagement. She is not stable as has since lost her job, almost got evicted and can't see that she has a problem and our child is the one who is suffereing. I just needed some advice/ someone to talk to because no one understands what I am going through an I need to do what is best for our child. I know I have to try and get him out of the situation but while waiting for the courts to settle the matter I needed to talk to someone. I don't know if I should try and again approach her with all of the information or perhaps try and contact a family member, although they seem to have turned a blind eye. Any feedback would be appreciated I don't know who to talk to for advice at this point. I'm angry with all the lies and how she has no concern for herself, but also have sympathy for the fact that she has a serious problem and now our child is the one who will be hurt the most. I don't know what I should do and I figured I could get some good suggestions this way.

Please log all incidents, and make a record of anything that you feel would be detrimental to your child's welfare, as this will strengthen your case.

We can't diagnose HPD on here, but it sounds as if things have been very toxic for you, and in addition to the custody battle, you will be experiencing a wide range of emotions because you have been in a toxic situation, and because you may also be mourning for the person that your wife couldn't be. It is very difficult to watch a child in this situation suffer.

I will send a link to the HPD forum where there are many people who have been in similar situations to you, who can give you support and input. You are not alone in your situation.

The HPD forum is primarily for HPDs who are finding healing, and who are on a journey of recovery, although there are many nons there too, who are also on their own journey of recovery.

As this post is mainly about your custody battle and your feelings about your child's welfare I will leave this thread here, but you might want to post on the HPD forum about your experiences at some point. Nons are very welcome. Please remember that it is a forum for HPD, so all posts need to be respectful towards those who post on there who have the disorder. It is a very supportive forum, and the people there will make you welcome.

For the time being, I think you should focus on your child. As your ex hasn't done anything to endanger the child's welfare yet, and has not made any overt implications of doing so in the future, it might be difficult to get the court to order her to be tested. So, for the time being, you may have to forget about the fact that she may have HPD and focus solely on her actions.

Masq is right; log everything. Let your lawyer know what's going on and what you suspect. He/she may know how to get the court to order a psych eval, but even if that doesn't happen, at least your lawyer will have all of the extra info, which will only strengthen your custody case.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, and I'm sorry that your child has to go through this. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for both of you.

histrionic-personality/

I have also sent a link of your post to the HPD forum, so that people there can come and support you.

jnj -

You've already received the best advice I can think of from the two moderators above while waiting out the court's decision regarding your child.

I haven't been in your exact shoes, but similar enough to empathize with your observation that if she is disordered, odds are most others don't see her as you did/do. That she can put on the super-mom hat, a show, temporarily and the worry that the court will find in her favor.

Learning some more about HPD (keeping in mind we can't diagnose her online) may be helpful for you. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor to help you deal with how this situation has so badly hurt you? Hopefully no harm will come to your son while waiting on the court, but in the mean time you are a victim too. Perhaps reading through some of what others have been through during/after a relationship with someone who has HPD will at least help with that feeling that nobody else gets it.

X

Hey JNJ,


Luckily I had no chidren with my HPD. Mine dumped me right after our honeymoon,
and chased a new guy.


Mine was "infantile HPD" (I believe)..........or very, very childish.


I hope you can get victory over this mess.


ALWN

Hi JNJ

To the sincere support and good advice by all of the above I can only add:

Don't hesitate for a second to maintain your own psychological strength and health with a professional therapist or counselor.
For one, your child needs you to do this...therefore do it for yourself as well.

These messy situations take time to resolve; maintaining your own health will help you make it to the finish line as an intact, responsible and loving parent.

best to you and your family,

orion