One big mess

This is what I've been told by my ex-girlfriend who I've not long split up from. The reason for the break up can be seen below these points. This is what she's supposedly been through in her short life:

- Been sexually abused by her paranoid schizophrenic drug-taking alcoholic father who is now dead
- Been sexually abused by her uncles (fathers brothers) who also happen to have been alcoholics
- Been sexually abused by her fathers friends (one of which is now her mother's partner)
- Been raped by her ex-boyfriend who she actually still cares for
- Been in foster care since she was a young girl, going from one place to the next (over 30 I'm told)
- Been beaten by a past foster carer
- Been gang-raped (by the father, uncles and father's friends)
- Been sexually abused/molested/groomed by other males
- Been arrested a few times, once for punching someone in the face and some for theft
- Been a cannabis user for a while
- Been forced to have sexual relations with a dog
- Had a gun inserted into her vagina
- Been stabbed
- Been slapped by her mother which I have witness
- She told me her mother observed the sexual abuse when she was young and even recorded it
- She told me that she managed to get hold one of the discs of the sexual abuse taking place but snapped it and threw it in a bin
- History of self-harm
- Supposedly been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a child (which I don't know can be done)

I tried so hard to give her a decent life and give support and love. She's subjected me to verbal abuse, name-calling, threats, threats to my family, verbal abuse about my family to me, lies, making me jealous when in the presence of other males, comparing me to other males and the thing that hurts me the most – making sick comments of me being raped when I was younger which she took pleasure from by expressing how funny she found it. I understand the girl is messed up, but could you ever forgive such a comment and do you think she could really have loved me?

This is just my opinion, I am not a trained counselor/psychologist. I think you getting away from her is the best thing for you. As I have always said, time heals all wounds. Eventually you will forgive her, but you'll never forget. What is important right now is taking care of yourself. This board is here if you need to talk and you can always go to counseling/therapy if you want/need to.

I have posted on here about my experience with a troubled girl. My story (histrionic-personality/topic91342.html) is very common when you deal with someone that is disturbed. Healing is a process and takes time. These articles helped me (and still do): relationship/topic84035.html & relationship/topic36593.html.

You survived before this relationship, just as she has. You will survive afterwards too, just as she will. Heal yourself. It will have its ups and downs (I still do), but, as time moves on, you'll feel better about yourself. I advocate going NC (no contact) with her. Its the only way.

I agree with jh3. What you must understand is what this girl has been through, if true, is not your average dysfunction. This is high-level. It's been impounded and exacerbated at every turn. Her pain isn't in the form of old wounds that have left scars. Scars that we all carry with us to some extent or other. They are open flesh wounds and they're deep ones. To the very bone, if you will.

You cannot fix or heal these wounds for her. You cannot love them away. Your love cannot fix her. She needs intense, extensive counseling/therapy. It really is best for you to walk away, but do so knowing that you can love her even though you cannot be with her. And to accept that you cannot make her whole no matter how much you want or try. There's no doubt in mind, if you stay with her you will pay a very high price. I believe if you choose to stay with her, over time your feelings would resemble love less and less. And again, come at an enormous sacrifice to yourself.

As to your question if she can ever love you, sadly not in the way that would be healthy or conducive to a healthy life together. Not in her present state of being. How can she? She has never known love. Of course, that's not her fault. So remember it's not you she can't love, she's just never had an example of what that is or means. She has nothing to reference it to. Her only references are to brutal betrayals and violent violations.

Oh, and one last thing. She said what she said re; rape out of a deep source of her own pain and her coping mechanism is to inflict some of that pain onto you as to feel some control over her life which has been wholly out of control. It's of course a dead-end and only an illusory, empty and short-lived sense of control. But that's what it was.

Please know that forgiveness is the most powerful gift you can give to yourself and another. It takes a lot of love and courage to do it. But it is an essential act in order to move on. It's not time that heals that heals all wounds, it's the the act of forgiving that does. Ok, so sometimes that takes time.

LapusLazuli wrote:Oh, and one last thing. She said what she said re; rape out of a deep source of her own pain and her coping mechanism is to inflict some of that pain onto you as to feel some control over her life which has been wholly out of control. It's of course a dead-end and only an illusory, empty and short-lived sense of control. But that's what it was.

Please know that forgiveness is the most powerful gift you can give to yourself and another. It takes a lot of love and courage to do it. But it is an essential act in order to move on. It's not time that heals that heals all wounds, it's the the act of forgiving that does. Ok, so sometimes that takes time.

When I decided to get out of the relationship, I wanted closure. I wanted answers. She would never make time for me to do that (even though she said she would...another lie, go figure). I gave her a goodbye letter. It contained everything I wanted to say to her, but wasn't given the chance. Did it help or her hurt? I don't know. Nor do I dwell on it. It was part of my process, not hers. The very beginning of that letter started like this: "They say time heals all wounds. What they don't tell you is that you will always carry the scar..." and I believe Ive never written truer words. I didn't know anything about BPD, HPD, NPD, or any other disorder. Had I, I would've stayed away from her.

OP, I hope that you read various articles about dysfunction, disorders, healing, and coping. We all know that you care for her, but remember, she more likely than not never really existed. Im sure in the beginning (Honeymoon Phase), it was great. That didn't last long. Im speaking from experience. In a way, she still controls me...I still think about the good times and try to rationalize the bad.

Everyone wants to say they didn't have anything to do with their latest break up. We also accept that that isn't true...normally. Notice I said normally. In a normal, healthy relationship, they sometimes don't work out for multiple reasons. In unhealthy ones, you aren't the problem, they are. At first, I wanted to blame myself for what she was doing to me. I questioned my own sanity. Now that Ive reflected, I never did anything wrong...its her problem that caused this, not anything I did.

I will be the first to admit that I still care for her. Not in the "I want you back way". No, that day has passed. It's more in the "I hope she gets help, finds the light" sort of way. Only time will tell if she will or not. I haven't forgave her (yet) for what she did to me. In time, I will, but today isn't that day...tomorrow doesn't look like it either. Don't be ashamed if you feel that way to. Its perfectly normal and part of the process.